Lies from the past

[Guest Confuzzled]

My husband and I have been married for over 5 years. He told me when he got married that his fiancee's(who passed away) father hated him because he thought his ex and my husband became intimate after his fiancee's passing, but assured me it did not happen.

Fast forward to now, I have found out that he had been intimate with her consistently for a time after his fiancee passed. I would not be upset save for the fact that he has stayed in contact with her this whole time and is always the one to start conversations. Do I have a right to be mad? Should I bring this up now after so long? I understand being ashamed of the choice he made, but I'm extremely hurt that #1, he lied and #2. he kept in contact with her.

[Blake]

Hello anon. Firstly, idk if this relates to aro content since the subject is relationship with a married person and you have not stated your identity but nevertheless I will give you my opinion since you asked a question.

Any relationship is built on mutual trust to some extent. So by keeping info that he stated was true but then wasn't, it became a breach of trust. Be it 1 hr or 10 years it is still a breach in it. You can feel mad, it is your feelings and no one can tell you otherwise. Now, if he lied about one thing, he may well lie about other things (that is my reasoning and I am very harsh when it comes to lies because it costs nothing to say the truth and start from there). You can confront him, or don't. That is up to you. Me personally, when someone lies to me I just shut that person down from my life and move on, I do not look behind. But that is me.

You are hurt, that hurt is valid and you can bring it up to him with your reasons and start from there. Or you can ignore it altogether and continue, up to you. 

The fact that he is has communication is, for me, irrelevant. I can keep convos with my ex and it means nothing since I see it as friends keeping communication. That I sleep with someone and then break up and continue with my life doesn't mean I cannot keep communication with that ex. Now if he is sleeping with her actively and you are in a close relationship then that is another thing. Cheating is cheating, plain. But by the info you provided, (i think) you don't know if that is the case. I will not tell you what to do, just that the fact is that 1. He lied and your hurt, so you have a choice here

2. You don't know how you are feeling regarding that he still communication with his ex (they may just be friends). You cant tell him to cut ties with his ex without having a degree of possessiveness over him, since we are free autonomous beings and prohibiting something for someone is going against that autonomy.

The decision is yours, do what you want to do. Live your life, and if you want to live your life with someone then do it knowing that it is your life you are spending, so spend it whoever you like. ^^ carpe diem

[crazydreamer]

Um...I think this isn't the best place to ask this question cause most people here are on the aromantic spectrum and don't experience romantic attraction to certain degrees. I think talking it out in a calm matter is always a good idea thought that is just my personal opinion.  

[roboticanary]

Yeah, agreed with the other posts here, not sure an aro forum is the best place to find the answer to this.

anyway, spin the wheel of advice* 

you should talk to them, discussing this in a calm and reasoned manner is probably the best option

as for whether you are right to be mad, he did lie and he lied about who he was intimate with. I suppose intimacy is one of the things you value very highly in your relationship. how you display that mood is up to you but you have every right to be unhappy with how he has handled this.

 

 

* my aro wheel of advice is 90% talk to them and 10% run away