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Hi all. New here and would welcome advice!


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Hey everyone. I just arrived here and decided to join after a bit of exploration of the various topics.

I'm a 54 yo male, divorced now 15 years, most certainly somewhere firmly on the ace spectrum, and I've been wondering if I haven't been aro ALL MY LIFE for starters.

What makes me wonder is the amount of influence that my upbringing/family attitudes had on my (?) behaviour (?) regarding relationships. It is quite possible that never or very seldom having seen family members would have had an imprint (not being able to replicate the kind of gestures/attitudes that romanticism implies). I'm completely discounting whatever TV or movies showed as I knew it to be fake, and an important point in my (even very early) education was to focus on acquiring knowledge, reasoning and reality.

So when it came to try to blend into the stereotypical behaviours of adolescence of dating, I was an absolute blank and a disaster. I tried to replicate a couple of times but I readily found that this was more a waste of my time than anything.

My valuable time could be invested better in reading, music, a bit of sport.

Not that I reaaaally wanted intimacy so bad, even then, because I would have kept on trying chasing in that case. But no. I believe that I thought at that time 'oh well, if someone wants me, I'll make my mind on the spot'. And that did happen a couple of times, and I certainly did not initiate willingly.

And these relationship never lasted very long, because I mostly seem aloof if not cold, and I like an intellectual challenge more than anything else. For me, what is the point of getting close to someone just for lust? That's the aro here. My marriage lasted legally for 10 years but in actuality was much shorter than that (and I married at 29...)

So could it be that I am something like "sapioromantic"?

Anyone offering suggestions, you're welcome ?

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Hello and welcome! I'm glad you found this community. 

If you're looking for advice, I'd suggest you first read about people's experiences being aromantic (especially the "You might be aro if..." and "early signs you were aro" topics on this forum). The aro umbrella is quite nuanced and diverse, which can make it difficult to quickly determine if you're aro. I've found the most success reading about how others experience this orientation and then reflecting on how my experiences may mirror what I've read. 

 

5 hours ago, vinniebandit said:

What makes me wonder is the amount of influence that my upbringing/family attitudes had on my (?) behaviour (?) regarding relationships. It is quite possible that never or very seldom having seen family members would have had an imprint (not being able to replicate the kind of gestures/attitudes that romanticism implies).

I don't know much about your personal experience here, so I'll merely point out that attachment styles are unrelated to aromanticism. Aromanticism is about lacking or infrequently experiencing romantic attraction, rather than having a specific attachment style. I think reading the topics I mentioned earlier might help you out here!

 

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