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Health and Aroness making my life less than it should be...


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For a long time now I felt like I was missing out on what my life should be. Basically since my early teens when I developed a disability, though looking back I see there was quite a bit of my own aroness conflicting with the 'sexual awakening' and amatonormativity expectations of being a teenager/twenty-something. 

The media pumps forth these idealised images of what growing up looks like, and then peers tell you stories of their lives which sound like watered down versions of those media ideals. They have adventures and life progress while I feel like I have been stuck in mud this whole time. 

I just feel like I haven't lived my life as extremely as I should have. And I'm not going to be hitting the milestones that my friends and acquaintances will be as they go into their 30s and 40s. 

I am turning 30 soon, so maybe this is all me freaking out about no longer having the potential to do stupid stuff under the excuse of 'being twenty-something'. 

I am turning 30 soon, so maybe this is all me freaking out about my health which might start a slow decline as my muscle quality deteriorates. (Everyone's muscles do this, but mine will have a greater impact).

 

Plus I found out about a kayaking hike trip that I would love to go on but It takes about 11 days which is not compatible with my medication schedule 😡

 

TL;DR Ranting about not having a teen drama/sitcom life experience. 

Anyone else feel like because of their orientation or something else they missed out on expected experiences? 

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I don’t think my aroness caused me to miss out on much in my teen years but my health did. I’m still early/mid twenties but I sometimes feel like I should have/be living “fuller.” But I’ve also tried to learn to enjoy everything I can do as much as possible. It has helped but I’ll still have those feelings sometimes. 

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On 1/28/2021 at 12:44 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

They have adventures and life progress while I feel like I have been stuck in mud this whole time. 

What's your mud like? I wonder if it's really that bad or if it's just your special situation which makes you feel more regret.

On 1/28/2021 at 12:44 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

I just feel like I haven't lived my life as extremely as I should have. And I'm not going to be hitting the milestones that my friends and acquaintances will be as they go into their 30s and 40s. 

The aro-related milestones are marriage, having children (and their milestones) and owning real-estate. Different from the stuff exciting for a younger age, like traveling without parents, owning a car, etc.. And it's again different from the other adult non-aro-related milestones, like getting a degree or a serious job with a comfortable income.

On 1/28/2021 at 12:44 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

I am turning 30 soon, so maybe this is all me freaking out about my health which might start a slow decline as my muscle quality deteriorates. (Everyone's muscles do this, but mine will have a greater impact).

This is really sad, I can't imagine living with a degenerative illness at that age.

 

 

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On 1/30/2021 at 1:19 AM, DeltaV said:

What's your mud like?

Over the weekend I had a realisation of deja vu over this. Somewhere deep within the bowels of this or another forum I have written the same thing, probably around 2-3 years ago.  I'm not sure what sets me off, but I think it might be a periodic cycle of woe-is-me and regrets. This is why I got off social media, you always see everyone's high moments so you feel like the only one experiencing lows. 

....I did just finish reading an autobiography by an adventure travel writer, and at each chapter I hear my braid say 'you can NEVER do that' 'try that and you will SERIOUSLY hurt yourself' 'omg a chapter about hang gliding! now this is the part of the story where your health would impact your experience'. 

On 1/30/2021 at 1:19 AM, DeltaV said:

The aro-related milestones are marriage, having children

You forgot the first milestone, finding a stable long-term partner to marry, which is what all my friends are obsessed with right now. So we sit around and they talk of their dream marriages and recent dates and congratulating each other on managing to date someone hot/pretty (which I always found really shallow, like they want external corroboration to their visual/sexual preferences).

But recently I want to wrap my friends up and tell them they don't need any of that! Because we recently discovered one guy has a track record of predatory behaviour and another triggered a bunch of red flags for being abusive, which of course brought us to talking about all our bad experiences and situations. This will sound stupid, but I felt left out. If I get into a bad situation I get out fast, but my friends are so desperate for a connection that they walk right past red flags, or allow themselves to be vulnerable with that other person. 

If I already feel left out even though I partially share these experiences I can just imagine how isolated I will feel in the future when marriage and babies come along....most of my friends already assume I won't have kids because of my health (so they pity me and show me baby pictures) when in fact it is because I don't like babies and small kids. I'm just having trouble getting them to understand not breeding was a voluntary choice long long before I was diagnosed because they know that medically I would be in a very bad place, so think I justify it to myself by 'saying' I don't like babies. 

 

On 1/29/2021 at 1:05 AM, PeepsInTheChiliPot said:

It has helped but I’ll still have those feelings sometimes. 

This is my 'sometimes'. 

I am quite proud that I have managed to fulfil most of my teenage dreams, though I did them in my 20s. I'm so glad for the term 'Late Bloomer' because I feel my life has shifted to be 5-10 years behind my general age group. Normally I am quite positive and fulfilled about my life, it is always about stopping and appreciating the moment, but sometimes unhappy feeling boil over and I have to rant them somewhere, then hope to get some perspective. 

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On 2/1/2021 at 12:30 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

Over the weekend I had a realisation of deja vu over this. Somewhere deep within the bowels of this or another forum I have written the same thing, probably around 2-3 years ago.  I'm not sure what sets me off, but I think it might be a periodic cycle of woe-is-me and regrets. This is why I got off social media, you always see everyone's high moments so you feel like the only one experiencing lows. 

I have regret-cycles, too. But my situation is very different, so I can't empathize. For me the moments with the most regrets is the moment when all those lost possibilities are opened up again (an OCD remission). So thankfully, thankfully I at least don't look in a future of ever-decreasing possibilities.

On 2/1/2021 at 12:30 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

....I did just finish reading an autobiography by an adventure travel writer, and at each chapter I hear my braid say 'you can NEVER do that' 'try that and you will SERIOUSLY hurt yourself' 'omg a chapter about hang gliding! now this is the part of the story where your health would impact your experience'. 

What can I say... I would say "woe me" all the time in that situation...

When I read about travel it only reminds me of my normal aro problems (pretty mild compared to physical restrictions): To old to travel with friends and I do NOT want to travel alone, it's weird. Even custom agents know this -- they think I really want to smuggle drugs into their country. 😉

I probably should be more active, because I physically and financially can. I gave up traveling before it was cool Covid.

On 2/1/2021 at 12:30 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

You forgot the first milestone, finding a stable long-term partner to marry, which is what all my friends are obsessed with right now. So we sit around and they talk of their dream marriages and recent dates and congratulating each other on managing to date someone hot/pretty (which I always found really shallow, like they want external corroboration to their visual/sexual preferences).

I left that out because they just know it afterwards if their plan succeeded. Until marriage I categorize dating drama as a constant background noise. Milestones is imho more one of those "official" achievements you're supposed to reach (when my friend married she acted like she won the national lottery).

On 2/1/2021 at 12:30 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

But recently I want to wrap my friends up and tell them they don't need any of that! Because we recently discovered one guy has a track record of predatory behaviour and another triggered a bunch of red flags for being abusive, which of course brought us to talking about all our bad experiences and situations. This will sound stupid, but I felt left out. If I get into a bad situation I get out fast, but my friends are so desperate for a connection that they walk right past red flags, or allow themselves to be vulnerable with that other person. 

If I already feel left out even though I partially share these experiences I can just imagine how isolated I will feel in the future when marriage and babies come along....most of my friends already assume I won't have kids because of my health (so they pity me and show me baby pictures) when in fact it is because I don't like babies and small kids. I'm just having trouble getting them to understand not breeding was a voluntary choice long long before I was diagnosed because they know that medically I would be in a very bad place, so think I justify it to myself by 'saying' I don't like babies. 

Are your friends a bit more self-absorbed than usual? A fixed (!) assumption of "it's just sour grapes" would offend me very much. My grandma treated me like this .... when I was six years old.

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On 2/5/2021 at 7:44 AM, DeltaV said:

To old to travel with friends

Wait, is this a thing? how old is too old? or is it because your friends situations change and they all travel with their spouses/partners now? 😧  that seems so sad and I realised there may be more hazards to ageing than I thought. 

On 2/5/2021 at 7:44 AM, DeltaV said:

Are your friends a bit more self-absorbed than usual?

I haven't been around my friends in a little while so I feel myself perking up again, no more woe is me. So yes, I would have to say my friends are being more insensitive because of their recent obsessive partnering and breeding drive. I guess I will just bide my time until another situation occurs, then I can tell them my feelings when it is most likely to penetrate their perception. 

When I say obsession I do mean obsession. Most of my friends have very traditional values (even though they have different cultural influences at work), partnering and breeding is a standard goal for them. I guess their biological clocks have started ticking louder and they are trying to come to grips with not succeeding yet. 

I'm so glad I have this place to decompress my feelings. Even with all my complaining I just hope I am always there to drag them back towards healthy relationship values.

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On 2/8/2021 at 10:13 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

Wait, is this a thing? how old is too old? or is it because your friends situations change and they all travel with their spouses/partners now? 😧  that seems so sad and I realised there may be more hazards to ageing than I thought. 

Of course it's mainly because they travel with their partners. But it also a bit of a norm, it's regarded as weird after a certain age (around 30).

Ok, traveling (esp. long-distance) is a very damaging habit anyway. At least I have a clean consciousness. 😀

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For me, my mental health is the one that has me missing out on life. However, I slowly have been able to overcome it by living one day at a time the best way I can. If I want t do something, I try to make plans to make it happen, be it camping, or just doing exercises. Sometimes I can't do it, but I don't get much discouraged, and try the next time to see if I can make it happen. Been hard on myself is not good for my health so I try to avoid it as much as I can. Treat yourself with patience and love. I am sorry for your health conditions, but try to live the moment, if you think that in 10 years your health won't let you enjoy some activities, try to do them before that time, so you have memories of it for the future. We are all going to get in an age where we won't be able to do some activities, so try to accomplish some before that time if you can. Treat yourself with patience, cuz otherwise you won't enjoy the present (and we live a short time 70-90 years so there will always be things you won't be able to do and that is ok).

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