What does the future hold? Asking for a friend.

[Guest I’m the friend]

So I’m asking for a friend here-

My friend is aroace and doesn’t really know what to do with her life from here on out. She’s only just starting college, etc. and the vision she’s always had about all of a sudden experiencing sexual and romantic attraction in college (though she didn’t realize that’s what it was until she discovered she’s aroace) is not-so-slowly dying. She’s insanely worried about what’ll happen when she’s in her 30s and everyone she’s relied on up until that point is starting to get married and have families of their own. She hasn’t really wrapped her mind around not getting married and having a family like she always imagined. It’s great in theory, but she knows it’s not right for her. She doesn’t want to live alone, but also doesn’t want a very romantic relationship (if one at all, she hasn’t figured that out yet). 

So I guess what I’m asking is: does anyone have any life experience that can help my friend out with this? What does living alone look like in the heteronormative world? Are you lonely? Do you wish you were married?

I’m sure my friend will appreciate it.

[Aroacerabbit]

Although I have not lived through this like your friend is hoping, I have felt a lot of the feelings you are describing. One of the things your friend said was that they didn’t want to be alone but didn’t want a romantic relationship. I would suggest looking up what a QPR or queer/quasi platonic relationship is and if it is something they might be interested in. From what I understand it’s like a romantic relationship in any way shape or form that you and the other person/people agree with, but there isn’t any romantic feelings involved. That idea has helped me come to terms with it a little and made it slightly easier to accept! Hope this helped!

[Holmbo]

Maybe advice her to come here. Many people feel similar to her so it might help her feel less alone about her feelings and also get advice on how to think about friendships.

[Rolo]

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

So I guess what I’m asking is: does anyone have any life experience that can help my friend out with this?

All I can say is that just because at a certain age many of your friends will start getting into committed relationships and having kids doesn't mean that you'll lose them. My friends have been pairing off for  years (I'm 31 and my friends ages vary between 45 and 25), only a couple of them are married but several of them are living with their partners, and they are all still very much a part of my life. None of them have expressed any interest in having children though, more and more people are choosing to be child free these days.

 I have spent more time with my sister since she and her husband had their first child than I had for years beforehand.

That said, it is perfectly normal to drift apart from some friends over time, people change and lives go in different directions. When that happens you make new friends who are compatible with your current self.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

What does living alone look like in the heteronormative world?

Living alone for me looks like... living alone. I don't really know what that question means. I will say that I do love living alone. It means freedom to live however I want, not having to adjust to other people schedules, or habits, or food preferences, or level of cleanliness, or accommodate all their junk. It means I can live in a small studio flat and never feel crowded or have my space invaded. It means I can dance around the living room naked and leave my clothes on the floor and never have to clean up after anyone else. It's awesome.

You don't have to live alone though, roommates are a thing.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

Are you lonely?

I've been lonely throughout the Covid-19 lockdown because I couldn't see any of my friends or family, but normally I'm never lonely. I have wonderful friends who I see regularly, I visit my sister and her family twice a month, normally I never go a week without spending time with people I care about. At home I have my cat to keep me company.

On 9/7/2020 at 3:30 AM, Guest I’m the friend said:

Do you wish you were married?

I have never wished I was married.