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Guest anonymous moment

my bf is in a qpr, is it valid to not be okay with that

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Guest anonymous moment

me and my bf have been in a romantic relationship for over a year now, we are both arospec (i’m greyromantic ace, he ids as aromantic as a general label)

xe and a friend entered into a qpr earlier today, and idk i just? it doesn’t feel right to me. i’m not sure if it’s my discomfort for that friend (ey’ve been very rude to me in the past and in response so have i) or if i just feel uncomfortable with the thought of him seeking out another committed relationship besides ours i guess... as if i’m not enough or something. i just wanna know like... am i in the wrong here? 

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I don't have a lot to go from what you told here so I will thread lightly. First of all, since you know about xe entering in a qpr I am assuming that you are in an open relationship that both of you have spoken about. I guess you both have spoken about the rules of the relationship, so parting from there I do not see that xe did something wrong. Now, if you feel uncomfy you should voice it since I am sure that xe isn't a clairvoyant. Also, it is not bad that you are feeling what you are feeling, after all, you here initially with your bf and that friend has been rude to you. Talk with your bf of why he looked for another relationship and how it would then be the new rules, cuz you do not have to be with that friend also. You are enough as you are, do not think that you are missing something, just open a communication, and if you want that friend to be in the convo the sure, and if not then don't.

Tldr: speak with your bf and ask everything that you feel should be asked. Bf being in a qpr doesn't mean you are missing something, just that now a new player is in the game and you want to know all the whys.

This was as light as possible since I do not know everything from your pov.

 

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Posted (edited)

Depends. Was it ever established between you two that your relationship was an exclusive and monogamous one, and if so, that a QPR would violate this arrangement? Did he discuss the concept of this QPR with you beforehand, or did he enter it without telling you?

If he has knowingly violated the terms of your relationship, then yes, it is absolutely 100% ok to be uncomfortable. If not, then it's probably either a matter of conflict between you and the friend in question, or you're insecure. Either way it's something you should talk to him about, as well as something you should try to evaluate in yourself. Find out what the root of your discomfort is, and then you can decide how to deal with it.

Edited by Jot-Aro Kujo
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Guest person who started thread

we never really discussed things like qprs however xe knows i’d only feel comfortable in a polyamorous relationship if we both were dating the same person (rather than him dating someone and me not) i know that sounds jealous but that just wouldn’t work for me. since we’ve also both only felt romantic attraction like 2 times we’ve always considered it unlikely to happen djjddj

we never had the discussion of ‘hey abt qprs...’ nor did xe ask ‘hey can this person be my qpp’ they just sorta did if that makes sense. i think he probably feels that it’s not a violation of my boundaries bc it’s not romantic, and i just struggle to tell if i can say it’s like not okay with me because sure they’re in a committed relationship but it’s not by definition cheating.

 

that being said im like waay less stressed abt this a day later, i’m p positive this’ll work out and me and xir’s qpp have been getting on p well actually. so odds are i was overthinking, thank u for the responses tho! i’ll probably mention it to him soon and be like ‘u and person can be qpps! but please don’t do these things’ if that wouldn’t be too toxic? 

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The thing with QPRs is that they are, by design really, outside of the standard relationship types in our culture. Not really what you expect of a romantic relationship, and not really what you expect of a friendship. So when it comes questions like this, all bets are off really. If you are in a monogamous(which is generally the expectation unless specifically stated otherwise) romantic relationship, then having another romantic relationship on the side is super not accepted. That's cheating. But if someone in a romantic relationship demands their partner has no friends outside of the relationship, that's crazy controlling and also not acceptable.

So where does that leave QPRs? There really are no set cultural rules for it, so it will have to be handled on a case by case basis. How does your partner view this QPR arrangement? Does he see it more like another term for a close friendship, or as a second relationship more related to what you have? Have you defined what each of your expectations are for the relationship you have with eachother? Do you want and expect the same things? There just is nothing for it but to sit down and talk it through.

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