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I'm confused, pls comment your experiences


Pandanose
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So I have never had crushes and I never feel like I have fallen in love yet, I'm only 19 years old so I would have plenty of time to still be able to experience it. I like romantic stuff on TV and in shows and people acting romantic in public, it makes me happy that people are happy (which I know some ppl who identify as aro also feel they are totally okay with) the point is, I still feel like I want to have a closeness and be able to cuddle with someone and do some typically romantic stuff. I've had boyfriends before but I've always been the one to break up because I didn't feel like being together with them anymore even though I liked doing some romantic stuff. After a while it just gets too much and I break up with them. Has anyone else who identifies as aro the same or a similar experience?

 

Also, and maybe I'm overthinking this way too much, but how the hell do you tell the difference between what you want and what society has imprinted in your mind that you're supposed to want? 

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3 hours ago, Pandanose said:

Also, and maybe I'm overthinking this way too much, but how the hell do you tell the difference between what you want and what society has imprinted in your mind that you're supposed to want? 

With time I guess? It got much easier to figure out as time passed. When I left home I experienced living with friends then living alone. I understood (by looking at the others around me) that I did not envy those in a close relationship moving together as society wanted.

 

I can appreciate displays of affection and confort (hugs), sensuality (massages) but it does not go to the sexual or romantic levels.

The border between sensuality and sexuality/romance is a bit different for everyone. What did you feel during the romantic stuff? Did you feel validated? Happy to be next to your partner? Hopeful for the future of the relationship?

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I can’t help you with the first half but I can think of a few ways to help you sort out you want vs. what society wants you to want. These methods, one or another, tend to work for me. 

 

I'd start by imagining your life without these things, especially if they're things society tells you to get. Say a romantic relationship, imagine you never have one. Imagine your whole life without one. What are you feeling and what are you thinking? Catalogue if you're feeling positive, negative, neutral, a mixed bag. I think a lot of this conundrum comes down to reflection also. When you're thinking about skipping out on certain things are you worried primarily about how others will perceive you? Say you're debating marriage, you're got a long term partner but aren't sure whether marriage is for you. Are you concerned about what others will think more than what you think? Does it make sense to marry because you want to spend your lives together or does it make sense to marry because that’s just how life goes?

 

Really look for the reasoning in why you want things. 

 

I've also found saying point blank statements helps. Either in your head or out loud say: "I want to ____" and more often than not I find myself feeling a kneejerk yes or no in response. "I want a date on Valentine's Day!" Yes or no? 

 

I agree with everything Ch0c0 said and also want to highlight this:

8 minutes ago, Ch0c0 said:

I understood (by looking at the others around me)

Compare and contrast. People around you can be prime examples. How would you change the way they do the things you're maybe interested in? Or if you're capable, put yourself in a situation were you could get the thing you may want and see if you actually want it. Does the idea of getting it excite you? 

 

Irony is you opening your question with "maybe I'm overthinking this" and me suggesting you could think some more! Maybe all this thinking will help you, maybe it won’t. But you are right, society absolutely teaches us to want certain things and figuring out what is true to you is a difficult task. I wish you luck ✌✌

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