The wrong kind of love

[metelyk]

I feel like the way I love is not how people are supposed to love. I will try to explain. Sometimes (so far it has happened four times in my life) I will meet someone I feel a connection with. Like we have known each other before, like there is a deep part in me that recognises a deep part in them. I would say almost like soulmates, except the kind of soulmates were you have many, not just one. I love these people very, very deeply, and I want them to love me back the same way. Some of the things I want to do with them are: call ourselves best friends forever; chat about everything (often we have many things in common and I want to have conversations about them); be physically affectionate, with hugs, cuddles, and being "allowed" to touch each other without worrying that they might think it's romantic; tell them how amazing they are; hang out, but not all the time, but when we do it is quality time; tell each other all our secrets; be there for each other when things are bad; make things for each other, like write stories and draw things for each other... That is the general idea.

 

I used to think this was romantic love, but it is not a love that makes me want to date them, or say and do romantic things, or be a couple, or even be each other's most important person. Imagining those things with a person makes me uncomfortable. I can also feel this way about several people at the same time, and can want to have the same friendship with several people. It is not a "one and only" kind of love, where I think about them all the time and feel like there is butterflies or… I don't know, whatever romantic love feels like. I am now almost sure I have never felt romantic love before. The best description I can find for this love is "best friends" (but not because we already are best friends, more like, we could be). I have read lists of friendship quotes on google and that is how I feel.

 

But at the same time, it feels more intense than what people expect in friendship. It seems like most people want to be close to friends, but the only person they love as deeply as this is their partner. This makes me feel like the kind of love I have is "wrong", because it is too much for friendship but there is still something missing for it to be romantic. Either people will want this love + romance, or they will not want it at all. I also worry that it is too much for me to be aromantic. I know I am aro, being aro makes so much sense to me, but maybe the kind of love I feel is still too close and intense (or at least, society makes it seem that way) and aromantic people are not supposed to experience it either. Even though it does not feel romantic to me, it just feels like… love. Just deep, platonic love, and some kind of recognition.

 

So I am wondering, do other aro people experience this? Does anybody know what it is called? Does it even have a name? Am I mistaken and it is romantic love, even though it does not fit any of the symptoms and desires I have read, except for it being very strong and wanting to be close?

 

Thank you, I look forward to knowing what you think

[nonmerci]

You should search for the concept of QPR (queer platonic relationship). It is the kind of relationship you describe : something that isn't romantic, but different from what is expected from friendship (people often saying that it is deeper and involving more commitment than what is expected from friendship).

 

I can't elaborate more because I personally don't experience that, but some other aros do. And the concept of QPR is talked a lot in the community.

[NullVector]

18 hours ago, metelyk said:

Am I mistaken and it is romantic love

Hmm, I don't think so. Several of the things you wrote are things I would like with friends, particularly this one:

18 hours ago, metelyk said:

be physically affectionate, with hugs, cuddles, and being "allowed" to touch each other without worrying that they might think it's romantic;

 

Most of the things you wrote about seem more common in close childhood frienships? Our culture does seem to make an assumption that these types of relationships are okay for children, but that we will "grow out of them" at some point and replace them with romantic relationships as adults. I've never understood that assumption and it seems to me to result in a lot of lonely adults (even in the case of adults who are allo-romantic and are in a romantic relationsip at the time, but especially on other cases)

[Coyote]

@metelyk Besides queerplatonic, some other related keywords you might search are "companionate love," "passionate friendship," or "romantic friendship" (I know, but still). Not necessarily exactly what you're looking for, but might be close enough to explore, if you're looking for relationships/experiences/concepts with some overlap to what you described. 

 

Some related posts that you might find interesting:

• I don't understand dating, so I'm getting married
• An Aromantic in Love (about a platonic relationship)
• Intimacy Scales (about different ways of categorizing hand-holding, etc.)
• Bro, That's Gay (about romantic ambiguity & intense friendship)

[metelyk]

Thanks to everyone for your answers

 

On 12/22/2019 at 1:33 AM, nonmerci said:

You should search for the concept of QPR (queer platonic relationship). It is the kind of relationship you describe : something that isn't romantic, but different from what is expected from friendship (people often saying that it is deeper and involving more commitment than what is expected from friendship).

 

Yes, I know the concept of QPR and I have always thought it is something I want. (Even before I knew I was aro, I have said it was basically my ideal relationship.) But I did not know that QPR is also a way of feeling about people. I thought it was just a type of relationship that you can have. Is there such a thing as QPR attraction? Like romantic attraction, but instead of wanting to be in a romantic relationship, you want to be in a QPR. That might be able to describe how I feel.

 

On 12/22/2019 at 12:01 PM, NullVector said:

Most of the things you wrote about seem more common in close childhood frienships? Our culture does seem to make an assumption that these types of relationships are okay for children, but that we will "grow out of them" at some point and replace them with romantic relationships as adults. I've never understood that assumption and it seems to me to result in a lot of lonely adults (even in the case of adults who are allo-romantic and are in a romantic relationsip at the time, but especially on other cases)

 

That sounds EXACTLY like it. I want the kind of close friendship children have  I actually used to have a friendship like that, when I was 8-11, but when I was 11 my friend said she had "grown up" out of it, and there were rumours I was a lesbian because I showed too much affection for her, so she did not want to be my friend anymore. Since then I have always wanted the same kind of friendship that we had, but I am also afraid people will assume I have romantic feelings, like my friend did, so I stay more withdrawn than I would like to be. But at the end of the day, what I want is a best friend, nothing else.

 

On 12/22/2019 at 7:22 PM, Coyote said:

@metelyk Besides queerplatonic, some other related keywords you might search are "companionate love," "passionate friendship," or "romantic friendship" (I know, but still).

 

Thank you! That also makes sense. And thank you for the links as well, they were interesting to read

[nonmerci]

47 minutes ago, metelyk said:

But I did not know that QPR is also a way of feeling about people. I thought it was just a type of relationship that you can have. Is there such a thing as QPR attraction? Like romantic attraction, but instead of wanting to be in a romantic relationship, you want to be in a QPR.

I think that people define their relationship according to the type of feeling they have. So for me QPR is a type of relationship and a way to feel about people.

I don't know if there is a word for this type of attraction, but I think there should be one. I heard about alterous attraction, I don't know if it synonymous or no.

[Coyote]

1 hour ago, metelyk said:

Is there such a thing as QPR attraction?

 

People have used the term "queerplatonic attraction," yes. In fact, the very first use of queerplatonic on the internet was "I kind of like queerplatonic as a definer for the attraction I feel to my zucchini" (where "zucchini" here means "queerplatonic partner").

[Mark]

On 12/22/2019 at 6:22 PM, Coyote said:

• Intimacy Scales (about different ways of categorizing hand-holding, etc.)

I found this quite an interesting article.
For me there's more "name lists" than "relationship bins" for certain actions.
With "bed sharing" being a "NO" for me.
Initiating casual touch is something I find very difficult to do.