Vent??

[Guest Apple Cake]

I don't know if this goes here but... eh. Ok, I don't usually do this, and to be honest, this might be the first time I do. The traditional talking about it with myself, thinking a lot and realizing everything is just fine didn't work this time. It's the first time it doesn't work. I'm... confused. It hasn't even been a week since I started identifying myself as greyromantic. At first I was happy with it. I was okay, I felt like I really fit there. But I started to read more about all the aro spectrum stuff... and I started to get really, really confused. Now I doubt my own feelings? Now I feel like I need someone to get inside of me, write everything they see and say "hey, you were wrong. This is not what you felt. It was this. And this? Oh, you were confusing it with this. And this other thing, you never felt this. It was a lie. And even you didn't know. And this...". I need someone to tell me how I really feel and how it is called, because I feel unable to see the truth be myself. Now I just think I have lied about my feelings, even to myself, because after all, I am the only one who knows. And now? Nobody knows. I am convinced that I have molded my emotions to fit the vision I want everyone, including me, to have of myself. And I didn't notice. Maybe it has to do to how I relate to people? I haven't had a real friendship "in the real world" since years ago, because it's hard for me to "choose" the people I feel I would want a real, close friendship with. And though I found one... and I thought I even had a crush on her, I just couldn't talk to her. And now she left school and I'm left here wondering if my feelings were real because I could never get myself to be her friend and prove my feelings real. I am lost. Well... I think that's it. Maybe I just need to talk about this with someone and know I'm not the only one. Thank you for reading, and sorry for making this so long.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Don't get too hung up on which label applies to you. It's more important to try and understand your feelings. Trying to decipher whether you felt a crush or a squish isn't a big deal. What actions you want to take based on those feelings are what really count. Take this opportunity to figure out what you might do when you find yourself in a similar situation again. If this happens again, would you let her go without telling her how you feel? Or does not telling her cause you to feel regretful?

[Guest Apple Cake]

7 hours ago, Blue Phoenix Ace said:

If this happens again, would you let her go without telling her how you feel? Or does not telling her cause you to feel regretful?

Thank you for the advice! I don't really care if I told her or not. I just wish I could've been her friend. Maybe that would have helped me see what kind of feelings I had for her

[omitef]

16 hours ago, Apple Cake said:

I need someone to tell me how I really feel and how it is called, because I feel unable to see the truth be myself. Now I just think I have lied about my feelings, even to myself, because after all, I am the only one who knows. And now? Nobody knows. I am convinced that I have molded my emotions to fit the vision I want everyone, including me, to have of myself. And I didn't notice. Maybe it has to do to how I relate to people? I haven't had a real friendship "in the real world" since years ago, because it's hard for me to "choose" the people I feel I would want a real, close friendship with. And though I found one... and I thought I even had a crush on her, I just couldn't talk to her. And now she left school and I'm left here wondering if my feelings were real because I could never get myself to be her friend and prove my feelings real. I am lost. 

 

TW: interalized queerphobia, transphobia, arophobia

 

I can relate...for a long time I struggled with coming to terms with being queer, trans, and lithro. Before coming out, I always felt like an outsider, and people kind of viewed me as "the loner" so then I started wondering if being queer was just me trying to find a justification for why people didn't like me, and to further distance myself from other people. I liked being an outsider, of being seen as someone who wasn't "normal," because the "normal" people always used their "normality" to exclude other people and I didn't want to be associated with them. But your personality doesn't invalidate your identity. Just because you're selective in your friendships, or you struggle to socialize with people, doesn't mean you can't be arospec. My advice is to explore yourself first, and think, long and hard, about why you feel certain ways when it comes to different situations. Think about other times in the past when you felt that way in similar situations, and ask yourself if it was because of the same reasons. It's okay if your feelings and the reasons behind them are inconsistent--it just means your identity is probably more complex than you thought it was. And don't be afraid to take your time to figure it out. There are people on this site who didn't figure it out until their forties! 

[Natkat]

I think its normal with this type of thoughts. 

 

I had and still have some much doubt sometimes. 

Before I knew about aromantism I tried to find a reason for my "lack of interested. 

maybe I were ace? maybe I had commitment phobia? maybe it was trauma? maybe I were just simple unexperienced? maybe it was a part of internalized homophobia? 

there were so many things I thought could be "wrong with me"

 

later as I found the aro label I had the same type of doubt, like what if I am not really aro, what if its just I view relationship a different way? what if its just because I never had a relationship? and so on.

 

I cant even really label myself because I dont know if I have experience chrushes or not, and the chrush I think I have experience I keep wondering if they were reciprocated if I would had felt okay with it or repulsed? I would never know so finding a label is pretty hard.

 

I go between various labels, but honestly I feel label isnt really so much what I need, to me it have been way more relevant that I could just talk to other with simular experience. I also dont feel that the decribtion of "never felt romantic attraction" fits me to figure out how I feel. cause really what is romantic attraction? I have asked myself this so many times. 

 

I know some people found a label and thought "yes thats me" from day one. I did so with being trans. But from other parts it has more been a procces starting with. "I never knew this existed" "I want to learn more" "maybe this is me I dont know". However I feel like with aromantism and poly, I did not start identifying as poly, rather I started feel really alienated with monogamy so I felt more non-monogamyous who couldnt really say what type of "poly I were" rather than just a poly person but by that I also felt more connected with being poly even if I couldnt exactly give myself a label.

 

the same with aromantism. I feel label is less relevant to my experience, but it was more I felt outside of the romantic norm so getting to talk to people who felt simular helped, I think it help regardless how you identify. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ugh...]

I have been through something similar, but I realized that I was just really intrigued by their personality, since I would totally not see myself doing romantic stuff with them.

[Guest Apple Cake]

Aaaaw, thanks for all the replies! It's really helpful to read your experiences and advice, I wish it helps other people as well! I have noticed that writing everything I feel really helped me to clear my mind, and I've been thinking more about this, focusing in what I feel and not in which labels might work for me. And to be honest, I'm still lost. Did I feel this, did I feel that? I have no idea, but... now I don't feel bad about it! Now I see it's okay to be confused, and I have noticed that finding out what we really feel can be quite an interesting journey.