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coming out as aromantic? also sort of a vent


melatqnin
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Hey guys, gals, and pals. I'm in a dilemma. I recently discovered that I was aromantic (and bi-curious) after a school friend of mine introduced the idea of asexuality. I had always known that I just didn't get crushes and had always made up crushes on the spot whenever friends wouldn't let me drop the subject of romance. So, when my friend brought up the idea, I adopted it pretty quickly, and everything was fine. On the other hand, because my family is heavily romance-oriented, i've had countless discussions, or rather arguments, with my parents about romance and needing to find a partner. My mom and I have a really good relationship, and I feel that it's important to tell her about my romantic orientation. The one problem with that is that I am 16 years old. She's pretty accepting of LGBT, however I know exactly what her reaction to me coming out as aro will be, and it will be telling me that I'm too young to decide that I don't feel romantic attraction, accompanied with the obligatory, "oh, you'll find someone someday!" and comforting me. Maybe it's because I can't handle rejection from a prominent parental figure in my life. Maybe I'm just paranoid that it will inevitably go wrong. However, I understand that the decision to tell her is one that I can't ever take back and it will change my relationship with my parents forever and if I regret it after the fact, I can't take it back. I also feel guilty every time that my mom asks if there are any "updates with [my] love life" and I know that I'm lying to her. Are there any other people out there who are going/ have gone through the same thing and could give me advice?

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It's not your responsibility how your parents react to your orientation. But if you don't feel comfortable telling them yet you can just say something vague like you're not interested in dating.

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I chose to come out to my mom as asexual when I was 16 (I’m aromantic also but at the time I was sort of lumping the two together). The way I handled it was by explaining my experiences first, before attaching any identity words to it. I tried to stress how it was out of my control, not influenced by fear or any sort of emotional trauma or morals (because people tend to think it’s just like celibacy, ya know). To try to get her to empathize, I asked her to explain how she knows she’s not attracted to women, and used that to relate to how I feel the same way, but about everyone. At the time, she seemed to sort of get it. 

 

Looking back though, I wish I would have put my foot down a little harder about getting my parents to leave me alone. Even though it’s been 4 years and I’ve still never dated, they’re still holding onto the idea that I will. I’ve been psychoanalyzed to my wit’s end, called sheltered, immature, insecure, and even too focused on my schooling, not having enough “fun.” I don’t mean to discourage you, but you should be prepared for the possibility of a negative outcome. Ultimately, my mom is just so overly concerned that I’ll be lonely, she’s literally projecting her own fears from when she was my age onto me. When she was 20, she was terrified of ending up alone, and she married the first guy she ever seriously dated (she met my dad when she was my age!) So it’s like a different world, where she comes from. In case this happens to you, I’d try to express how her intrusions are really hurtful. At the very least, she should not be pestering you this much. That’s just so wrong. Her desire to be in on the gossip or whatever is not worth the detriment to your mental health. 

 

I understand the worry that coming out will ereversibly change your relationship with your mom, but consider this: it’s already impacting your relationship with her. The division is already there, but right now you’re bearing all the burden. But of course you should wait until you’re truly ready and mentally prepared for whatever may happen when you come out. If you can get yourself into a mindset where her reaction one way or the other won’t impact your self worth or make you feel like it’s the end of the world, that is your best bet, in my opinion.

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I don't know if that help, but when I did my coming out, I said something like " you know, some peoples are gay, lesbian, bi, hetero…. I am aromantic". Like that, I put aromantism on the same level as other orientations. Something I can't choose. Something that's going to stay here unless I say otherwise. And if i am not too young to know I am hetero, then i am not too young to know i am aro.

 

Of course, I had to explain what it was. They are fine with it and usually leave me alone. (Well, my mom don't tell me anymore how "she can't wait for me to bring someone home ! " )

 

 

3 hours ago, treepod said:

I understand the worry that coming out will ereversibly change your relationship with your mom, but consider this: it’s already impacting your relationship with her. The division is already there, but right now you’re bearing all the burden. But of course you should wait until you’re truly ready and mentally prepared for whatever may happen when you come out. If you can get yourself into a mindset where her reaction one way or the other won’t impact your self worth or make you feel like it’s the end of the world, that is your best bet, in my opinion.

 

Right now, I think this is a good advice. 

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I like Cristal Gris solution.

I'm not out to my father because I know he wouldn't understand. But I don't think it would change my relationship with him if I do : he would just think it's a phase, that I'll change my mind... in a more agressive way than how my mother did but because he is like that with things he doesn't get. He is the type of person who think people can't be happy if they has not what he want to have. But after that it would say that it would say the same between us, just that je would not put the same words on it.

 

And remember : you can't be wrong for coming out, only your parents can be wrong in their reaction

 

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