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treepod

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About treepod

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday 03/20/1999

Personal Information

  • Orientation
    aro
  • Gender
    male
  • Pronouns
    he/him

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  1. Besides the white ring thing, I’m starting to consider getting a ring that is an arrow, and wearing it on or near the finger I wear my ace ring on. Seems like that would also be a pretty clear message for those who know.
  2. Sorry if you were hoping I’d provide some cool examples, but I’m actually here to ask if anyone else knows of any nonfiction writing out there, historical or modern, prose or poetry, where the author talks about having a lack of romantic attraction. Not so much like an article like “my life as an aromantic person” ARO 101 type of thing, meant be digestible for readers outside the community, but something more nuanced and less explanatory. I thought of this recently because I was daydreaming about what it might be like to write a memoir, and how I could hypothetically include this part of my life without needing to sound like a textbook providing definitions, interjecting clarifications, and footnotes for people who have little or no idea what being aro means. The literature nerd in me is sorely missing some representation here.
  3. I’ve imagined alternating between “partner” and “friend.” And honestly if other people get confused about what exactly our relationship is as a result, good. I’d just find it funny. “Companion” seems like the most accurate term for me, but it has some doctor who connotations unfortunately so I’m still debating that one. Also, the word “friend” had a lot of interesting associations back in the day (I mean like ~400 years ago). Let’s just say it went way beyond what we think of in terms of commitment and affection. What I’m trying to say is that words are what you make of them, ultimately.
  4. Playing Stardew Valley is one of my favorite tools for de-stressing and just generally having a good chill time, and now it’s also providing me with a little extra affirmation for being aro. For those unaware, it’s a bit of a farming simulator “sandbox” type of game where you can develop your land into basically whatever you want, and interact with the townsfolk. This includes helping them out, making friends, and even getting married. This last bit always put me off a bit, because there’s a list of villagers who are considered “marriage candidates” and getting closer to these people gradually nudges you into a romantic narrative. However! The most recent update of the game added the option of one particular character who can become your platonic housemate. His name is Krobus, and he’s a friendly monster (shadow person?) who lives in the sewers because he’s afraid of being persecuted by the other villagers. Once you develop a close enough friendship with him, you can invite him to live with you, offering him better protection. I just recently got to this point and it’s honestly so heartwarming... he’s a little insecure about being “so physically different” and afraid of being found out, but he likes to venture outside in the rain, and sometimes he attempts to make human food for you. You can hug him, too. I appreciate this new change to the game a lot because there are a bunch of other aspects that I thought were really presumptuous. For instance, there’s a fortune teller that will tell you that she sees you and the “marriage candidate” you’re closest friends with being together, and the last house upgrade comes with a baby nursery full of non-removable furniture. But with Krobus around, I get to straight up defy all of that (pretty sure it cancels out getting married). It’s pretty satisfying. So anyway I just wanted to share in case this sweetens the deal for anyone considering playing the game. Plus I almost can’t help but rave about it haha
  5. Oh gosh yes! I've had a pretty similar journey, accepting my asexuality relatively easily. For a while I was even lumping in aro stuff under my ace-ness to avoid confronting the label of aromantic as something that might apply to me. And then when I finally started calling myself aro, I felt the need to say greyaro because of a """crush""" or two. I've also always wanted children, but being a single parent sounds extremely difficult so that has also probably contributed to my reluctance to, as you said, give up on having a "traditional family." Yeah I get that. I can definitely feel right now that simply being "apathetic," or not caring, is the easiest alternative. Sometimes that can be avoidance in disguise, though, at least in my experience. Like I thought I was in that sort of mindset, but then some things happened and suddenly I was getting that frustrated, stuck, "I'm broken" feeling again. Now I think I need to find some sort of confidence, and a truer break from amatonormativity that actually makes me happy with where I'm headed in life.
  6. It's been a good few months since I've really been active here, but I guess that's because I've had a lot to work out on my own. I'm almost afraid to say so, since I tend to think of myself as pretty clearheaded and self-aware. I don't care to admit that I might still be struggling a bit with my identity. The fact is, though, I'm way too good at compartmentalizing my emotions and hiding things even from myself. It turns out I was harboring a lot more denial/self-hate about being aro than I realized, and it took more than a few external forces to really bring that to my attention. Long story short, I think I may have been clinging to the idea that I might, maybe, be able to feel romantic attraction once in a blue moon, so now I feel extra angry and sad that this is not actually really the case and/or isn't worth paying attention to. And here I was thinking I had already made peace with everything some time ago... I think I'm starting to get better now, but I thought it would be worth it to reach out and ask if anyone has some experience to share about accepting things the way they are and learning to love it. Thanks y'all, I'm forever glad to have this place to come back to where there are people who understand.
  7. Growing up I guess I was pretty romance favorable, though every time someone showed interest in me I’d get like, offended, and really indignant about the whole idea of dating them. Even if I thought our feelings had been mutual. I was romance favorable in the sense that I liked the idea of it, but when it actually came down to it I would get pretty squicked out. More recently now that I’ve loosely concluded that I’m greyaro and/or lithromantic, and therefore that it isn’t worth paying attention to the rare and fleeting feelings I have for some people, I’ve stopped having a favorable opinion of romance (in relation to myself) and am now much more neutral to repulsed. Although it’s very situational. To me it it seems to have something to do with letting go of societally enforced ideas about what I’m supposed to want in life.
  8. Alright so, I’m joining this topic because I’m not sure I wrap my head around all of it either. This all seems to be dealing with differing ideas about what “platonic” actually means, right? I’m trying to suss this out: —people who describe something as alterous tend to see platonic as being to do with friendship only —people who disagree with the above usage see platonic as its own separate thing, on a different level to either friends or romantic partners, and therefore to them alterous is redundant? I agree that there seems to be a linguistic inconsistency with romantic ->> romance and platonic ->> friendship. Another wrinkle in all of this is that the term queerplatonic also linguistically implies that it is something different from platonic. So what makes it “queer?” When dictionaries say platonic defines something non-physical or non-sexual, we should maybe consider the societal context, where people usually don’t separate romantic and sexual attraction, or for that matter any other attractions. My understanding of queerplatonic relationships is that they lack to some extent romantic attraction but contain one or more other types (emotional, aesthetic, sensual, sexual, etc.). Unless I’ve misunderstood and there are some people in QPRs who are not attracted to their partners in any way? So here’s a shot in the dark, could platonic then refer simply to any relationship that does not contain attraction? In this case, alterous and platonic could coexist, where both describe something “else” but only alterous can go along with queerplatonic. Although don’t some people use the term platonic attraction? That really throws a wrench in my idea...
  9. This is a very nice sentiment. Ditto
  10. I chose one other person, with separate sleeping arrangements. Because although I like being cozy with people, sharing a bed is something I’ve never understood the appeal of. Especially on a nightly basis, it seems sort of cumbersome. And I like my personal space. Someone could be invited into that personal space from time to time, but not as a given. Actually, funnily enough, my parents (who are still married) sleep in separate rooms, as did my grandpa and his second wife. So I guess it’s a common enough preference in my family, though a little different in my case since it’d be a qpr, wherein the person is ideally like a longterm close roommate.
  11. This hasn’t really happened to me (maybe a point of privilege) but I am often worried that sometimes after coming out to someone as a way of stating that I’m unavailable, that person could interpret it as a phase, something they can wait out until I get over my inhibitions or whatever. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but it feels like they don’t take me seriously. If I’m asked whether being aro/ace has to do with trauma or body confidence, that seems like a red flag...
  12. It seems like you can also get intriguing results from searching “what is a friend crush” Like I think there is some amount of overlap, for the same reason a lot of these examples bring up sexual stuff: because most people don’t separate types of attraction. To me, the strongest way I’ve been able to see the difference is through real-life interactions, wherein I witness someone being attracted to me, or talking to me about someone else they’re attracted to.
  13. I have a tough time with defining things using words, oof. This is hard but here goes: 1. Maybe not much. I guess if I could realistically call them a companion, i.e. they hold a separate distinction from the rest of my friends, including long-term exclusivity and an understanding that we're sharing our lives together. But I guess if I was non-monogamous I would feel differently about that... But there's something that rings true about the word "companion," in any case. 2. Not really. Personally I kind of think of squishes as mostly occurring with people who are new to me. They're all about intrigue. Plus I'd strongly consider being in a QPR with one of my longterm friends, someone I've certainly never had a squish on but is nonetheless very special to me. 3. It'd be nice, but I don't really think of it as a strong want. I'm usually 100% down with whatever they want, so long as we get to be friends 4. Physical intimacy/closeness (to a degree, probably less so than what one might consider standard in a romantic relationship) and a special companionship, as I described in answer 1. I probably would feel weird calling them simply my friend, but equally weird calling them my girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. Even "partner" doesn't exactly seem right, because people have romantic/sexual connotations attached to that word. To Mark's question: For me, the distinction is I don't feel obligated to perform amatonormative expectations or measure up to someone else's romantic attraction towards me. There is just something very relieving and satisfying about saying, "this is different," because of the way romance traps me into participating in something I can't really reciprocate. From experience with people who expressed romantic interest in me (or indeed other people), I can just tell they're experiencing something that is way out of my depth, even if I can't quite say what.
  14. When it comes to analyzing your feelings and your past, only you can decide whether those things make using the term aromantic (or similar) on yourself useful. But based on what you've said here, I think it might be worth looking into demiromanticism, as well as the varying ways people describe a queerplatonic relationship, which can include a "friends with benefits" sort of situation. Read about others' experiences and compare them to your own, and ask yourself what it is that you want.
  15. treepod

    Doubts

    I’ve been thinking about this off and on for a while. Looks like you haven’t been online in quite some time, but just in case you come back I want to amend what I said about what romantic attraction is like. Until recently, beyond knowing that my attraction to others is fleeting, inconsistent, vague, and rare, I didn’t have a good reference for what it is I actually want out of a relationship and what I’m comfortable with. Turns out, not much. At least in the way of “romantic” gestures. So I’ve been considering that it’s probably more accurate for me to base what I consider romantic attraction on what the desired action is with the person, and not whether they make me feel giddy or whatever. Because platonic/queerplatonic, sensual, and aesthetic attractions exist, and those don’t have to correlate with romantic interest at all, so feeling things like I described before doesn’t really actually signal romantic attraction anyway. And because something can sound like it’d be enjoyable on paper but in practice make me uncomfortable or indifferent. td;lr, I now think that the most important thing is to explore what you really strongly desire to act on with another person, if anything at all. You might be surprised to find that alloromantic folks can be way more enthusiastic and, er, active than you anticipated. At least that’s my experience.
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