Be careful whom you trust...

[Queen of Spades]

Hi, guys… Today I want to share a story, hoping to let off some steam. Also, I am rather confused after all that happened and I don’t know what I should do in the future, should similar things occur…

I met this man back in January on a chess tournament. He is a teacher and he was in my country (different town than mine) as part of some program that involved teaching abroad for a year or so. We kept in touch after than tournament (became friends on facebook). Back in April, he once again approached me on the chat, and we had a very long conversation. We talked about this and that, played some online chess. A few days later we met up in my hometown to play some “real life” chess. But then, it happened – he confessed liking me (like a crush)… Now, I DO wish to have a life partner (whether he is aromantic or not), even if I am aromantic myself – but as many of you know, I need time to get to know the person, my kind of love is born out of friendship (the queerplatonic/alterous type and all). However, there is a serious reason why I could never consider this man as potential life partner: he is 48, while I am only 23, and well, I just…can’t. I explained to him that I could not do it because of the age gap, but told him I would really like us to stay friends, which was the truth. I really thought it could work, as we both speak German (he is a native speaker, I just like the language a lot), as we both share this great passion for chess… He seemed to understand it.. Everything was good for a while – we talked and played chess, like friends do… We did have two fights – he started them as it was hard for him to face the fact that I didn’t reciprocate…but then he apologized, saying it was not easy for him… We had a serious talk, and he promised no more fights… He told me my friendship meant a lot to him…and I believed him… But last night, he showed his true colours. We were having a normal conversation, and at some point, he told me: “My friend asked me what I’m doing. I said ‘chatting with my girlfriend’ “. Well, it seemed that despite my making it clear right from the start that we are friends and nothing else, he still somehow…insisted? I told him gently “I thought that we discussed…”, and then he got upset. He said some hurtful things, trying to imply I was a jerk for not reciprocating and so on, and chose to put an end to it. I wished him all the best. He never appreciated the honest friendship I offered him… He lied to me… He deceived me… He broke his promise…and my trust. Now I feel somewhat empty, somewhat anxious, too. What did he want from me? Why did he lie to me? Why didn’t he tell me from the start? Why did I trust him? What does this mean? If anyone ever gets a crush on me again, is it already a red flag? Should I run?

[nonmerci]

You wasn't wrong for trusting him. He was the one who lied by saying he understood. Sadly some people are like that, taking a "no" for a "try again later". But don't worry, you're not a jerk for not reciprocating. Nobody could be a jerk for feeling the way they do. Only the way we behave on that feeling can, and he was the one who were wrong, pretending you were his girlfriend.

 

51 minutes ago, Ice Queen said:

If anyone ever gets a crush on me again, is it already a red flag? Should I run?

I don't think so. Some people can be nice even if they had a crush on you. A guy had a crush on me, then we became friends, but he never brings the subject again, even when all the class was shipping us (I was in school then).

Another guy in high school however pretending he was my boyfriend, didn't accept no as an answer (he said he'll commit suicide if I refuse...). Really it depends on the person.

[Guest]

It happened to me too… I had a "friend" when I was 13-14.

The years before it happened, I suffered from school harassment and had some trauma (still do). I had no friends when i happened, so i accepted anyone coming to me. 

 

He was very friendly to me. We played video games, we were in convention, it was fun. then he asked me out. I have no interest in that kind of relationship so i said no. He insisted (that's a red flag ). He said thing like "but you didn't even try ;D " or whatever. Still said no. Also he was 20. Too old to me (why did he thought it was okay??? Now that i think about it, he also flirted whit peoples younger than i was )

I thought he dropped it so i didn't worry about this anymore. 

 

Then, another dude said "you know, [this guy] say you are his girlfriend". That's a BIG red flag ?

 

He was a manipulator too. He gave me gifts, in hope i say yes.

Since he was 20, he left my school for another. And i never heard about him anymore.

 

Yeah i just needed to tell my life, sorry.

 

1 hour ago, Ice Queen said:

If anyone ever gets a crush on me again, is it already a red flag? Should I run?

Well, having a crush is not a bad thing itself, but some peoples can't take a no. They are the peoples i flee now. Sorry i can't be more helpfull.

[Neir]

I'm really angry that this person couldn't take no for an answer. I'm proud of you for sticking your ground and trying your best to make things work. I think you also know inside that none of this was your fault. There are people who just don't understand and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

 

From interacting with the alloros I know (so, all of my in-person friends), I think he didn't tell you honestly because he took things for granted. A lot of alloros take any sort of intimacy as inherently romantic, even when you say it's not. It's just what they were taught growing up. Being close to someone emotionally means being in love, or something. It takes re-training on their part to get rid of these assumptions. Alternatively, he really was just manipulating you into liking him back, which is a shitty move on his part, but to do that he had to get you to trust him. I think what happened was that you were just being yourself, he took your words and actions as romantic when they weren't, and then he was nice back (i.e., "reciprocated"), and you took it as him being nice/being comfortable around you as a friend.

 

I'm unfortunately a cynical person when it comes to reacting to people having crushes on me. It happens often that they have a crush on me and when I say I'm not interested, they still try to woo me (whether at that moment or just try again in the future). When I talk through things with those people, our relationship usually dies.

So I try to be very careful when I interact with people, making sure that I punctuate being "friends" (by saying "You're a good friend" and things like that as often as I can). This seems to be mostly successful, but I don't really get to be my genuine self.

I also sometimes run away though. If it really stresses you out, you aren't obligated to stay and try to make it work. You have the right to choose.

But also know that I (and some of the people above) have had very successful friendships with people that had crushes. For me, they've been pretty rare, but there do exist people who will respect you when you say no.

 

Ultimately, you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings. I know it can feel like you've done something wrong or that you can do better, but it really isn't up to you. They are the ones experiencing attraction and attraction isn't action. They make the choice whether or not to act on their feelings, knowing full well how you might feel or react, so the responsibility to deal with their feelings is on them. Keep being you, because I think you have been handling situations like these wonderfully, and if they don't respect you, they need to be better.

[Queen of Spades]

17 hours ago, running.tally said:

I'm really angry that this person couldn't take no for an answer. I'm proud of you for sticking your ground and trying your best to make things work. I think you also know inside that none of this was your fault. There are people who just don't understand and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

 

From interacting with the alloros I know (so, all of my in-person friends), I think he didn't tell you honestly because he took things for granted. A lot of alloros take any sort of intimacy as inherently romantic, even when you say it's not. It's just what they were taught growing up. Being close to someone emotionally means being in love, or something. It takes re-training on their part to get rid of these assumptions. Alternatively, he really was just manipulating you into liking him back, which is a shitty move on his part, but to do that he had to get you to trust him. I think what happened was that you were just being yourself, he took your words and actions as romantic when they weren't, and then he was nice back (i.e., "reciprocated"), and you took it as him being nice/being comfortable around you as a friend.

 

I'm unfortunately a cynical person when it comes to reacting to people having crushes on me. It happens often that they have a crush on me and when I say I'm not interested, they still try to woo me (whether at that moment or just try again in the future). When I talk through things with those people, our relationship usually dies.

So I try to be very careful when I interact with people, making sure that I punctuate being "friends" (by saying "You're a good friend" and things like that as often as I can). This seems to be mostly successful, but I don't really get to be my genuine self.

I also sometimes run away though. If it really stresses you out, you aren't obligated to stay and try to make it work. You have the right to choose.

But also know that I (and some of the people above) have had very successful friendships with people that had crushes. For me, they've been pretty rare, but there do exist people who will respect you when you say no.

 

Ultimately, you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings. I know it can feel like you've done something wrong or that you can do better, but it really isn't up to you. They are the ones experiencing attraction and attraction isn't action. They make the choice whether or not to act on their feelings, knowing full well how you might feel or react, so the responsibility to deal with their feelings is on them. Keep being you, because I think you have been handling situations like these wonderfully, and if they don't respect you, they need to be better.

Thank you for your insight! I know very well it's not my fault that I'm not comfortable having a relationship with someone who, mind you, is 25 years older than me. I just wish I hadn't trusted him. It's not the first time that I get burnt.