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Help? I'm confused?


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Hey everyone! I'm quite confused at the moment, so maybe someone can understand me or just post some thoughts about my situation… I’m an 18-year-old girl from Germany, so sorry, if my English is a bit messed up. About two years ago, I started wondering if I might be lesbian, since I was never in love with a boy or even had a crush on one. I couldn’t (and can’t) imagine having a boyfriend and last year in October, I came out first to my brother and then to my parents. I have to mention that I hoped that I could gain self-consciousness from coming out and… there were days, where I was super self-conscious about the whole LGBT-thing, I joined a CSD in a larger city nearby and visited an LGBT-youth group. But there were also a lot of days, when I was questioning whether I am really lesbian or just confused.
So, last week I found a comment below a german YouTube video and the girl wrote about her coming out as aromantic. She mentioned things like squish and QPR, so I put that into google, and when I read about it… I started crying, because I felt like “That’s the one thing I’ve searched for”. A squish is exactly, what I felt towards my best friend for two years or so. (One of the reasons why I thought, I could be lesbian). So now I’m pretty confused, whether I belong to this community or not, because I had this feeling, that I am right with this ace and aro thing, but a part of my mind tells me, that I’ve thought that I’m lesbian for two years now and that can’t be totally wrong, right? Also, what if I believe for two years from now that I’m ace/aro and then I find something new how to identify? How can I be sure?

And even if I’m right with ace/aro there is the question whether I’m ace, aro or both? (Basically I know, how I imagine my dream-future, but I am confused, how to label it. ) I think about my future like this: I’d like to live together with a girl (and maybe raise a daughter together), but our relationship… I’d like to cuddle and maybe kiss her but not having sex with her. Also our activities… things like traveling together or visiting the cinema are perfectly fine, but not as a date, but just spending time together…
So beside the labelling, there are some more questions: Assuming this thing that I imagine is a QPR, is it normal, that I can imagine a QPR only with a girl? I think, this is not logical since there is no romantic or sexual attraction involved, but somehow I can’t imagine it with a boy (It's like I'm aro and/or ace, but still lesbian?). Also I’ve come across multiple websites, where it said explicitly, that there are often more than two persons involved in a QPR, maybe some partners have also a romantic relationship too or there are just multiple QPP’s involved. Is this normal? Or just another possibility, but it’s also fine if you would like to have a QPR with just one partner, who is your only QPP (and the other way round)?


Thanks a lot for listening,


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however you want to have a qpr is fine! and yes, lots of aros have a preference when it comes to the gender of their platonic partner. Not to say you couldn't still be a lesbian, that's sadly something only you can really figure out. since you're so stuck between being a lesbian or aro/ace you might want to look at some grey aro identities? there's a long list of those on the forums here! As for wanting to kiss and cuddle a girl, raise kids with her, but not have sex, that could be a nonsexual romantic relationship or a qpr, there's no real line between the two apart from the feelings defined and how a couple chooses to label it. I would say though, many of us do still enjoy affection like kissing despite it being seen by society as romantic. I hope that ramble helps to answer a few of your questions? but obviously feel free to ask more.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey ?


Ich hoffe es stört dich nicht, wenn ich dir auf Deutsch antworte ? Als ich gerade deinen Text gelesen habe, musste ich fast heulen, weil ich mich vor ein paar Monaten ganz genau so gefühlt habe. Ich wusste zwar schon länger, dass ich asexuell bin, aber was meine romantische Orientierung angeht, war ich mir immer unsicher. Fast ein Jahr lang dachte ich, ich wäre lesbisch, weil ich den Gedanken, einen Jungen zu küssen, einfach nur komisch fand und ich auch definitiv keine romantische Beziehung mit einem Jungen haben wollte. Da ich Mädchen außerdem schon immer viel attraktiver als Jungen fand, schlussfolgerte ich daraus, dass ich lesbisch bin. Als ich aber dieses Jahr zum ersten Mal beim CSD war, fühlte sich das alles irgendwie komisch an. Je mehr ich darüber dachte, desto klarer wurde mir, dass ich auch keine romantische Beziehung mit einem Mädchen möchte und dass ich Küsse allgemein irgendwie unangenehm finde. Seitdem bezeichne ich mich als aroace. Ich zweifle zwar noch oft an mir selbst und frage mich, ob ich mir das vielleicht alles nur einbilde, aber tief in meinem Inneren weiß ich, dass diese Bezeichnung für mich richtig ist. 


Das war jetzt aber genug von mir ?


Das Wichtigste zuerst: Es ist vollkommen okay, wenn Labels sich ändern. Selbst wenn sich am Ende herausstellen sollte, dass du nicht aro bzw. aroace bist, ist das überhaupt kein Problem. Ganz im Gegenteil: es ist doch toll, wenn du Neues über dich lernst und herausfindest, was am besten zu dir passt! Ich weiß aus eigener Erfahrung wie schwer es ist, sich immer wieder neu outen zu müssen und ständig zu erklären, warum man sich denn jetzt als x identifiziert, obwohl man doch vorher gesagt hat, dass man y ist. Aber glaub mir: die Menschen, die dich wirklich mögen, werden es verstehen und dich unterstützen. Und wenn nicht, haben sie dich nicht verdient.


Übrigens kannst du auch beides gleichzeitig sein, also lesbisch und aroace. Hast du schon mal etwas von "oriented aroaces" gehört? Der Begriff stammt von biaroace auf tumblr. Hier findest du eine Definition dazu: https://biaroace.carrd.co/

Neben romantischer und sexueller Anziehung gibt es nämlich auch noch weitere Arten von Anziehung, zum Beispiel ästhetische, sinnliche oder platonische. Im Prinzip kannst du dir das so vorstellen:


Ästhetische Anziehung – „Ich finde dich schön.“
Platonische Anziehung – „Ich möchte mit dir befreundet sein.“
Romantische Anziehung – „Ich möchte mit dir zusammen sein.“
Sinnliche Anziehung – „Ich möchte dich berühren.“
Sexuelle Anziehung – „Ich möchte Sex mit dir haben.“


Wenn du dich also ästhetisch, platonisch und/oder sinnlich zu Frauen hingezogen fühlst oder nur mit Frauen eine queerplatonische Beziehung möchtest, kannst du dich (wenn sich die Bezeichnung für dich richtig anfühlt) als lesbische aroace Person bezeichnen. 


Der Begriff "queerplatonische Beziehung" ist sehr allgemein und kann für jede Person etwas anderes bedeuten, es gibt also definitiv kein richtig oder falsch. Wichtig ist nur, dass sich die Partner in einer solchen Beziehung einig darüber sind, wie sie sich ihre Beziehung vorstellen, damit keiner etwas tun muss, was für ihn unangenehm ist. Das, was du da beschrieben hast, klingt aber meiner Meinung nach hundertprozentig nach qpr, also mach dir darüber keine Sorgen.

Ich hoffe, das war jetzt einigermaßen verständlich ? Wenn du noch Fragen hast oder reden willst, dann schreib mir gerne!





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hi!  it does seem clear that you're ace, but whether the attraction you feel is romantic, platonic, or both/in between/something else is not something i can assess.  for some people, using the term 'queerplatonic' is enough to indicate that their attraction and/or desired relationships are not romantic, but are beyond "regular" platonic attraction, such as one (aro or not) might have towards any number of friends.  others like to identify different types of attraction besides romantic, sexual, and platonic.  these can include:

-sensual attraction: a desire to engage in activities mostly involving touch, such as cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc.  for many, this can be a part of romantic and/or sexual attraction (like if i want to have sex with someone i also want to kiss them, and i don't want to do the other things because i consider them romantic), but for others it's separate.

-aesthetic attraction: based on a person's appearance--you find them attractive, beautiful, handsome, etc.  again, may or may not be related to other types of attraction.  if i'm sexually attracted to a man i'm also aesthetically attracted to him, but i can appreciate the beauty of someone of any gender without any desire attached, just as i can appreciate the beauty of nature, for instance.  often, straight people hesitate to acknowledge that someone of their gender is good-looking, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything about their orientation at all.

-alterous attraction: a desire for emotional closeness without being entirely platonic or romantic.  i don't personally identify with this one; i prefer to use 'queerplatonic'.


so let's say you felt one or more of these types of attraction towards girls.  you might decide to identify as homosensual or homoalterous.  in such a case, you could identify as aroace as well as lesbian.  or you could just be aroace lesbian without specifying further.  personally, my labels only reflect my romantic and sexual orientations--i identify as aromantic and heterosexual.  i could conceivably identify as panplatonic, biaesthetic, and so on, but i don't consider those to be orientations; more like general feelings.  however, it's totally up to you how you want to label yourself, and equally fine if you don't want to at all.  i use the split attraction model in terms of the two aspects i see in my orientation, but some identify more than two (and of course most people's match, so they only use one label, for example, many homosexual homoromantic people simply identify as gay.)  just take your time and do what feels right.  i hope this wasn't too confusing; this is over three years' worth of aro knowledge and experience.  others will have slightly different definitions and quite various experiences. 



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I understand that it can be stressful to have this label you felt fit and then suddenly realize it might not.

My advice is to think of the label as a tool rather than something that defines you. If you find it useful to identify as a lesbian keep doing it. If you find that it limits you in some way you might want to reconsider.





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