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My Intro....


Flamered
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Ok,

 

I am obviously not good at creating topic titles... 

 

I am afab (assigned female at birth).

The closest you will get to my actual age is that i was born in the 70's.

I did the stereotypical things girls are suppose to do, i played with dolls, wore make-up (eventually, in high school), dated (very awkwardly), even got married (divorced 4 yrs later), had a kid in my 20's. 

None of it ever felt right.

I dont think i have told anyone, cept for pets that i love them.

 

I am not into sex, or romance.

My experiences with sex were mostly not positive.  I didnt enjoy it.

Was often told that i wasnt good at it.

I havent been with anyone, sexual or relationship wise, for probably 6 or 7 years.

 

I have anxiety, depression & bpd (borderline personality disorder).

 

In October (2017) i had open heart surgery i was away from home for 3 weeks, had maybe 6 visits in that time.  My mom & her husband, my daughter (21) & a family friend.  It was lonely & hard.

 

For several months after i got home i couldnt even look in mirror, & my daughter said that was my dysphoria of what i had gone through.

Once i could look in the mirror again i get another hit of body dysphoria with extreme heightened anxiety (& everything else).

 

I now have extreme body dysphoria, i want every visible sign of femaleness GONE.  I want no breasts & no outer genitalia.  

Though i dont even have $40 for piercing or tattoo as a symbol that i am heart disease survivor, let alone thousands for body modification surgeries.

I cannot even afford a binder. 

 

I started reading online & my daughter has a book about identities/orientations/genders & suggested i look at it.

After many hours & days of reading things of my youth started clicking into place.

& i had partially figured some things out, though i was never one to fit neatly into a box.  'Specially being a 6ft blond female.

 

i decided that i was an Asexual-Aromantic....  then i was like what about gender, i dont care for being a female, but i dont want to be a male.  I often joke that i am human, Maybe.

 

So off to do more research & talking to my daughter about what i found i came to another conclusion.   I am agender.

 

So i am an Asexual-Aromantic-Agender

 

But now i feel even more invisible & like i dont belong.

& i am an emotional mess between this & the heart thing.

 

Sorry so long..... but thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

(this is the first time i publicly said i am a AAA)

 

p.s. i like brownies more than cake ?

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Hi and welcome! Hearing stories like yours is really validating when I myself worry I'm too old to be figuring myself out (which is silly, because I'm in my 20s). I'm also glad you've found this forum! We've all gone through (or are still going through) emotional messes, so you are not alone there. :)

You said you prefer brownies to cake, so pretend this is an aro-themed brownie (as a welcome gift): :aroicecream:

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Thank you for sharing your story.  I know all too well how hard it is to go through decades not understanding my own identity and not enjoying relationships.  Welcome to this community.  There aren't many of us older aros, but you're definitely not the only one.

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