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Introduction and a Half


Cee Fox
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Hey y'all. Guess I should do one of these formal introduction things. 

 

I'm 17 (going on 18), female cisgender (she/her), and... I'm pretty sure I'm AroAce

 

I figure I could introduce myself by telling my long-ass boring story because I really think it's important for me to tell. 

 

 I seem to have had the same experiences as a lot of you guys (and wow am I glad to see that). I grew up waiting for my time to start falling in love and having crushes as the great and all-knowing media said I would. I looked forward to it too - I'm a great romantic at heart, a huge shipper and I would love to see what it felt like. That said, book/movie/tv characters were always in their teens when it happened so I decided to wait for it in high school.

 

I've always had guy friends and I never really understood that whole 'guys can't be friends with girls' bullshit and I vocalised that but - people being people, I guess - I got shipped with every dude I hung out with. I always expressly rejected the idea, feeling a little repulsed at the thought. I thought my guy friends felt the same. I'd get asked stuff like 'Yeah, but would you date him?' so often I started feeling like it was wrong to say no. Last year someone started asking me that question genuinely and I irritatedly gave the same reply and asked why it mattered. It turns out one of my best guy friends had a crush on me. I didn't believe it, I genuinely didn't believe it until he kind of asked me out and I freaked out and said yes.

 

My heart was pounding, my stomach felt funny but it was all because of an insurmountable dread. People congratulated me, they'd been shipping us for ages but I was in a really bad state of absolute panic. When I told people this, they told me it was normal for a first relationship. It felt so awful though so I wondered why they enjoyed relationships at all. I treated the guy the way I usually did but anytime I thought about that elephant called Romance in the room I felt sick to my stomach. The day after our 'month-iversary' I asked him if we could just be friends. I told him it was because I only wanted to date in college, which was not necessarily a lie but deep down I knew I'd never liked him like that.

 

A few months later I randomly met a guy and thought he was pretty cool. Looking back I guess it was really just a squish but I told my friends I had a crush on someone and they were over the moon. I thought everything was going great and I'd finally broken that wall keeping love out until he admitted his feelings for me and that God awful dread came back. He asked to hold my hand; a sweet moment, everything I dreamed of but I really hated it. From then on every hug, every bit of contact felt so wrong and it was because I knew he had feelings for me.

 

I'm not sure if two experiences with denying romantic attraction make me qualified to call myself aro or just scared of commitment. I do think that last incident confirmed me thinking I'm asexual (if I couldn't handle consensual hand-holding, God knows I would want to go any further). Of course, I'm still open to thinking I'm just demi in both aspects and haven't found the fabled The One they always talk about but I feel most safe in this AroAce bubble you guys have built for us.

 

I'm not out and about yet (especially not to my parents) and if I end up unmarried I'll attribute it to chronic spinsterness. I probably want kids and I'll want to have them naturally but I think I'll just go for artificial insemination when the time comes. Thank God the time won't come in a while.

 

So besides the awfully long story, as I said I am a shipper and a geek in just about most aspects of the word. Here to make some friends and feel like I belong. I hope I can be a valuable contribution to the community since it's so valuable to me. It's nice to meet you guys and it's really, really good to be here.

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I every much empathize with that feeling of dread. Even doing the same things I would normally do with my friends (like hand-holding; I'm an avid hand-holder), if I knew there were romantic feelings attached to that suddenly, I would feel this immense dread.

Nice to hear from someone who is similar! :) Welcome, and I'm glad you've found a safe space among us, regardless of what the details of your identity might be. Here's some aro ice cream for joining the table: :aroicecream:

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