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Dealing with friend/future roommate in a relationship?


techno
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Next year I will be living in a campus apartment with my friend who we'll call A, and she has a boyfriend, who we'll call S. He and his roommate are also going to be in that building, as are two of my other friends, H and E. We only recently got this apartment assignment, and I think A is the one who set it up, but she didn't ask the four of us who should live with who, she just assumed I wanted to live with her. In reality, I would have tried to convince my friend H to live with her, as she will be leaving next spring to go abroad and would only have to spend half the year with her.

 

I get along with A fine, and I'm sure any roommate-related disputes we had could be easily worked out (like cleaning, etc.). S is the problem. Now, I like S well enough, but they're CONSTANTLY together, and as soon as A and S got together, A pretty much completely abandoned me in favor of spending all her time with S. I can almost guarantee that S will be in our apartment a lot next year, and I'm fine with him hanging out sometimes, but I feel like A expects me to always be cool with it because we're all supposed to be friends. I'm romance repulsed, so having the two of them together constantly in the space that is supposed to be my escape from the rest of the world would not be very good for me. I'm also mildly sex repulsed, not so much by the idea of them having sex, but by the idea of them having it in the bedroom that we share, even if I'm not there. The thought of just squicks me out and I would feel like I constantly had to be wary of what was happening in the room where I'm supposed to feel comfortable and safe and able to sleep or do work. H and E say their door will always be open, but I don't want to feel like a stranger in my own home.

 

I'm hoping I'm not overthinking it this early, but I just don't want it to become a problem once we actually move in next fall. I'm glad we got the apartment, but I didn't expect to be forced into living with her without talking it through, and I really don't want to have to navigate my own romance repulsion in my own home, especially if explaining to her why I'm so bothered by it might mean outing myself.

 

What do I do????

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I really don't think you're overthinking it at all. It really makes sense for you to be scared about that. You have every right to be.

I think the problem isn't only you in this situation (not that you're a problem obviously but your romance and sex repulsion is causing problems so you get what I mean). Clearly your friend A has well for starter, she clearly needs to check her priorities and should be less obsessed by her boyfriend because a relationship based on obsession is so not a relationship that seems to be headed in a right, durable and healthy relationship. I don't know how long they've been dating but if it's more than four months that's kinda worrying. If it's not by the way, from what I've learned by observing romance dynamics and romantics relationship (it strangely is a subject that I find really interesting) it will probably not last. New and young couples always get into what's called the honeymoon phase when they start dating. They thing everything is lovey dovey but at some point misunderstanding, miscommunications, clashes of personalities, of education, opinions, life goals...it's bound to happen and they'll probably fight or argue and see their relationship as something more complicated than a perfect holiday in paradise. So if their relationship is new, be reassured, they'll probably tone it down after a while. 

Still, She should have asked you and that is unquestionable. Without you being romance repulsed or sex repulsed or even her being in a relationship. In no way someone under any circumstances can force anyone to roomate with them and just do the arrangement without talking to them. That's a really bad attitude and a bad thing to do in any context. You're an adult, she's not responsible for you. You make your own decisions. She doesn't control your life that's just really bad to do that...regardless of context. You don't make decisions for people and especially without telling them. Even married couples don't do that and would be pissed at their partners for doing that and they actually have an official link and commitment to one another. 

I think you should definitely have a talk with her about all that. I think you can easily change the room assignments. You really don't have to out yourself about it she really didn't have to choose the assignments without asking you first regarding of context. It's completely valid for you to be pissed off aro or not. I think there's a way you can be vague enough to not have to out yourself. Try to put yourself in the mindset of someone allo in this situation. I think a lot could actually be annoyed to. Because that can be a pain for anyone to have their friend's boyfriend at their house every damn day when they want to relax. Your situation really isn't that specific to aromanticism or asexuality. Try to generalise it a bit more when you talk to her, don't go into the specifics. Insist really on the part that annoys you that can be relatable to allo people even if they're not that important in your mind compared to the fears that you can't tell because you don't want to out yourself. Don't be afraid to exaggerate a lot on these parts if you feel like it's the only one they could understand.

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I feel like it's perfectly reasonable (and socially acceptable) to tell your roommate you're super uncomfortable with feeling like a third wheel, and perhaps asking that she spends time with her boyfriend in his room or going out together as much as possible. Even if you weren't romance repulsed many people feel uncomfortable with PDA and the like so hopefully she wouldn't be offended? Try explaining that since this is your room too, it's like if another couple was constantly hanging out and kissing right on top of her when she was trying to sleep or study or just exist. maybe that will help her understand.

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What has been said ahead of me is very good advice. I do think you should have a chat with H and E as well. Especially talk with H and ask whether they will be alright compromising for the short term by exposing themselves to PDA for a 6 month or so period so that you can feel better, and ultimately A will have much more freedom with S once there is no roomate. If everything is accepted by H and E you can then approach A with a 'Perfect Solution' to the issues you feel you face. Hopefully A will see the value of swapping roomates then. 

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