midnight musings of a gray-asexual

[LCat]

I know they say feelings first and labels second, but...I'm so confused. I'm pretty sure I'm a hopeless romantic. Unless I'm an aro who wants to have a romantic relationship - then how would I be able to tell? I've never had a crush on anyone, not even my current partner. I'm only dating him because last year he told me he had a crush on me, and I said the same thing without checking my own feelings first. That's not to say I don't love him. I care about him deeply...as a person. Romantically? Maybe. It comes and goes. Some days I feel so giddy I want to vomit affection spiraling into endless "I love you"s. Other days it's like...what is love? Do I love you? Why are we even dating if we're not going to marry each other? (And marriage is the last thing on my mind at the moment, although I eventually would like to marry someone.)

 

I do enjoy going on dates, and hugging, and I do like kissing sometimes. Coming from a very conservative Christian church, we kiss each other exclusively on the cheek while we're still young.

 

Some days I feel as though I'm making a deliberate decision rather than an automatic one; I'm only kissing him because he kissed me first, or sometimes he would say "I love you" first. Other times I would say it if I was feeling particularly happy or if I felt like it needed to be said.  Suffice to say I wouldn't miss the romance if we were still friends. I hope we're still friends. That's what the relationship feels like to me - a kind of "friends with benefits" where the benefit is doing romantic activities - an advanced friendship. Early in our relationship I asked if we could refer to each other as "datefriend." Then again I could just be afraid of commitment. I can't say I've felt butterflies in the stomach, nor has my heart skipped a beat, nor have I fantasized about his daily life. I worry constantly and I am so tired. Our relationship isn't a healthy one. 

 

Hetero-alterous, cupio-demi, recipromantic...it's all so very gray and I'm lost in this fog. 

[Apathetic Echidna]

I see this is your first post so welcome! 

Kudos for having worked out a profile pic so soon  there are some much older members who still haven't done that. 

 

well my mid-morning tea break musings from a label dictionary brain person (I have been trying to sort out my labels so I have discovered many words), I believe that you may appreciate the word 'flux-' if you were to want to label yourself. If things change a lot like you seem to be saying it certainly seems like something like a flux or spike type label would suit you. 

It is cool that you have someone that you seem happy with, this place can sort of seem like a singles party some of the time thought there are some partnered people around. I would love to hear your thoughts on other forum topics if you decide to become chatty. 

[cute kitty Meow! Mewo!]

While crushes can be a big sign of romantic attraction, they aren't required to be a romantic person... tho I guess... you'd know if you felt romantic towards your partner.

 

It's weird cause, in a way, romanticism could simply be the desire for romance... but at the same time, romanticism for most people is about feelings for the person. idk.

 

I used to think I was normal hetero orientation. but it turns out, I'm not, huh! it's interesting.

 

I kinda always knew that, I'd be ok living my life single, if no one came a long. but I anticipated eventually meeting someone, maybe in ccollege, maybe in my twenties. maybe later on. who knows. isn't that odd - a demiromantic, intrinsically expecting it to happen whenever, or not at all, doesn't make a difference, would be nice if it happens, won't be missed if it won't. seems kinda classic lol. me the classic demiromantic or not I'm just teasing about it. I don't really know.

 

if the relationship is not healthy, don't force yourself to be in it.. If you guys have a trusting, caring, relationship - then maybe you can work through stress in the partnership. but if not...

 

feel free to appreciate my thoughts or ignore them lol.. idk. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself right now.