I know they say feelings first and labels second, but...I'm so confused. I'm pretty sure I'm a hopeless romantic. Unless I'm an aro who wants to have a romantic relationship - then how would I be able to tell? I've never had a crush on anyone, not even my current partner. I'm only dating him because last year he told me he had a crush on me, and I said the same thing without checking my own feelings first. That's not to say I don't love him. I care about him deeply...as a person. Romantically? Maybe. It comes and goes. Some days I feel so giddy I want to vomit affection spiraling into endless "I love you"s. Other days it's like...what is love? Do I love you? Why are we even dating if we're not going to marry each other? (And marriage is the last thing on my mind at the moment, although I eventually would like to marry someone.) I do enjoy going on dates, and hugging, and I do like kissing sometimes. Coming from a very conservative Christian church, we kiss each other exclusively on the cheek while we're still young. Some days I feel as though I'm making a deliberate decision rather than an automatic one; I'm only kissing him because he kissed me first, or sometimes he would say "I love you" first. Other times I would say it if I was feeling particularly happy or if I felt like it needed to be said. Suffice to say I wouldn't miss the romance if we were still friends. I hope we're still friends. That's what the relationship feels like to me - a kind of "friends with benefits" where the benefit is doing romantic activities - an advanced friendship. Early in our relationship I asked if we could refer to each other as "datefriend." Then again I could just be afraid of commitment. I can't say I've felt butterflies in the stomach, nor has my heart skipped a beat, nor have I fantasized about his daily life. I worry constantly and I am so tired. Our relationship isn't a healthy one. Hetero-alterous, cupio-demi, recipromantic...it's all so very gray and I'm lost in this fog.