Cereal Tendencies Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 I've been single all my life (I just turned 24) and as an aro ace I'm still trying to deal with my insecurities regarding dating It doesn't help that most of my friends (whom I'm out to) keep coming to me for my unbiased relationship advice and telling me how "lucky I am" to not have to deal with the messy drama etc My mom is already pressuring me into marriage- since apparently it's the latest trend for women my age to be doing these days- and despite me accepting who I am, I still feel some sort of guilt about being broken I don't even know if any of this rambling makes sense lol Does anyone else relate to this feeling? How do you cope with it? Edit- I'm not as active on here as on AVEN, so idk if this topic has been discussed before, so apologies in advance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
[Deleted Account] Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 I'll try to answer your questions the best I can! 47 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said: as an aro ace I'm still trying to deal with my insecurities regarding dating Well, you don't have to date if you don't want to. Don't feel pressured to date if you don't want to do that. Some people are insecure about certain things, like I'm insecure about sex. I don't however feel like I need to address my insecurity. 50 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said: It doesn't help that most of my friends (whom I'm out to) keep coming to me for my unbiased relationship advice and telling me how "lucky I am" to not have to deal with the messy drama etc Hmmm... I don't have any good advice for this one. I can see how that would be annoying. If it really bothers you, you could politely tell your friends when they come for advice that you don't really want to give advice, don't feel the need to, don't like talking about it, or whatever the reason may be. Hopefully, by doing this, it will stop. 52 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said: My mom is already pressuring me into marriage- since apparently it's the latest trend for women my age to be doing these days- and despite me accepting who I am, I still feel some sort of guilt about being broken It's not cool to pressure you or anyone into marriage. I'm sorry that your mom has started doing this. Does she know you're not interested? If she already knows, then you'll have to try to ignore the pressure. Also, you should never feel guilty for being aro or ace. I understand that when there's pressure, you often feel guilty, but if you can, try to avoid feeling negative about it. I also understand that this is not always possible, and sometimes we just have to live with it. 55 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said: Does anyone relate to this feeling? How do you cope with it? Well, I'm not sure if I experience romantic attraction or not, but I do often feel like I'm going to end up being lonely. I try to think about a future where I have a partner of some sort though, whether that be a cuddle buddy, a qpp, or a romantic partner, but I know that isn't the case for a lot of aros. Also, since I'm a rather cuddly person, but don't really cuddle people, I'm considering getting a body pillow to cuddle with. It would be like a giant stuffed animal for me, so I think it would be great. Another thing is I would like to get a cat. A pet can help someone feel a little less lonely, and I think it works for a lot of people. There's no guarantee that any of these ideas will work for you, but this is just what I do. Also, spending time with friends helps a lot I find. Then again, it might be uncomfortable for friends who show PDA. I hope I've helped at least a little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momo Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 7 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said: It doesn't help that most of my friends (whom I'm out to) keep coming to me for my unbiased relationship advice and telling me how "lucky I am" to not have to deal with the messy drama etc Unbiased is probably the only thing your advice has going for it. In my experience, aros view the world of relationships very differently to alloromantics and we're the last people who should be giving advice on romantic relationships. This isn't bad! It's just analogous to asking a blind man to describe an elephant. If it's also making you feel uncomfortable then I can only recommend trying to try to get them to stop as QuickyGeek also suggested. The only exception I'd make to this is that I think we seem to have a keener sense for detecting abusive relationships. 7 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said: I still feel some sort of guilt about being broken The only thing I can say to this is: You are not broken. You are different. It can be hard to internalise this and truly believe it if other people are pressuring you to be a certain way though. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can believe in yourself at some point in the future. 7 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said: Does anyone else relate to this feeling? How do you cope with it? 6 hours ago, QuirkyGeek said: I try to think about a future where I have a partner of some sort though, whether that be a cuddle buddy, a qpp, or a romantic partner, but I know that isn't the case for a lot of aros. Relationships can be a lot of fun, but there's also few things worse than being in a relationship you don't want to be in. I'm also in the QPR camp. Being a bit older, I've been in multiple romantic relationships and I know that they just aren't for me. I don't care enough about the romantic side of it and just end up hurting my partners. But QPR's mean lots of different things to different people. There's lots of common themes, but I think everyone who wants one has their own unique view on what it is. Have fun with it! If you're not sure yet one way or the other then feel free to experiment! If you *are* sure that you don't want a relationship then you've really got three options. 1. Try to cope with inappropriate questions. (hard; perhaps ok for friends but I'd recommend against this for family unless you're not close) 2. Tell them to mind their own business (my approach for family, but not recommended for everyone) 3. Open up to them; try to explain your feelings. Will almost always involve coming out in one form or another if you haven't yet. 6 hours ago, QuirkyGeek said: Another thing is I would like to get a cat. A pet can help someone feel a little less lonely, and I think it works for a lot of people. Pets are great, I highly recommend them! I can't recommend a cat specifically if you want cuddle with them though. Most cats are very independent. Mine will very often sit next to me and sleep on the end of the bed, etc. She *hates* being picked up though and that's a common trait for cats. She likes spending time with me and pats and she's a great comfort to me but she won't abide cuddles for more than a second or two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 18 hours ago, Cereal Tendencies said: and telling me how "lucky I am" to not have to deal with the messy drama etc. I really don't get this "lucky" idea. Have more chance of not being lonely if I could do the romantic stuff. Wanting companionship (and romantic coded things) in a highly amantonormative society is just so difficult. What others are seeing as "messy drama" I can see as "life". 10 hours ago, Momo said: Unbiased is probably the only thing your advice has going for it. In my experience, aros view the world of relationships very differently to alloromantics With allos seeming to have a rather binary view of "Relationship": Everything intimate and romantic coded or "(platonic) Friendship": Nothing intimate or romantic coded. 17 hours ago, QuirkyGeek said: Also, since I'm a rather cuddly person, but don't really cuddle people, I'm considering getting a body pillow to cuddle with. It would be like a giant stuffed animal for me, so I think it would be great. If that works for you that's great. I find pillows and stuffed animals a poor people alternative. For one thing they will never cuddle me. 17 hours ago, QuirkyGeek said: Another thing is I would like to get a cat. I'm not aware of any cats which make good "movie buddies"... 17 hours ago, QuirkyGeek said: Also, spending time with friends helps a lot I find. Then again, it might be uncomfortable for friends who show PDA. Finding appropriate friends can be difficult for aros. As well as the issue of being dumped for romantic partners. What makes me uncomfortable with PDA is envy... It's one, of many, romantic coded things which I tend to find myself excluded from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momo Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 2 minutes ago, Mark said: I'm not aware of any cats which make good "movie buddies"... Mine will sit and watch tv with me quite often. But again, if you're expecting snuggles you're probably going to be disappointed. Hilda just curls up on the couch beside me and I'll stroke her while I watch. Or if I'm laying down on the couch, she'll lay along the couch beside me. In that situation she'll often press up against me because there's not a lot of room but again, stroking only, if I try to cuddle her she'll bolt. 5 minutes ago, Mark said: If that works for you that's great. I find pillows and stuffed animals a poor people alternative. For one thing they will never cuddle me. A poor substitute, yes, but an easy one. Cocooning in blankets can (almost) simulate cuddles too. But nothing will replace an actual person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 On 7/30/2017 at 2:18 PM, Momo said: Or if I'm laying down on the couch, she'll lay along the couch beside me. In that situation she'll often press up against me because there's not a lot of room but again, stroking only, if I try to cuddle her she'll bolt. Many cats will sit on your lap, though... she doesn't do this? I've noticed one feline sign of affection which is difficult to appreciate for me because of species differences, namely “headbutting” I think the most cuddly creature I know is my cousin, 5, (6 in August). If I get to see her she clings onto me, lol. Probably many people at my age would be just annoyed by this. Though the conversations with her aren't that different than with a cat (it's my fault – if I only knew the intricacies of modern children's anime), it just feels different because she's from the same species. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momo Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 6 hours ago, DeltaV said: Many cats will sit on your lap, though... she doesn't do this? I've noticed one feline sign of affection which is difficult to appreciate for me because of species differences, namely “headbutting” Nope! Some cats will sit on your lap, many won't. Hilda won't. She's long haired and I think the extra body heat just doesn't do well with her. She also doesn't like being confined at all. She's a rescue cat so I don't know much about her history. But she's super affectionate and loves being around you and being with you. She just doesn't like being held at all. She bunts me ("headbutts") all the time. It's super cute. They do show their appreciate and affection differently, they are a different species as you point out, but once you teach yourself a bit about how they show affection, the signs are everywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
techno Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 i'm always worried that my friends will all some day abandon me for marriage and romantic partners. allos assume that just because we don't want a romantic relationship, then it must mean we're incapable of feeling lonely. i don't think you're alone in the feeling at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 3 hours ago, techno-trashcan said: i'm always worried that my friends will all some day abandon me for marriage and romantic partners. allos assume that just because we don't want a romantic relationship, then it must mean we're incapable of feeling lonely. As well as also assuming that we're incapable of feeling loss or grief when "just a friendship" ends. Even if that's the kind of "platonic friendship" allos typically do understand. Never mind if it's any other kind of friendship... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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