GraduateBard97

I've never heard of it but it sounds interesting! After I finish the book(s) i'm listening to for university I'll put it on the list and let you know!

Hey and welcome to the forum! I totally get where you're coming from, I had a very similar experience. I was dating my ex and assumed I was in love because of the romantic coded things we did, and the fact I enjoyed those things. I was also sexually attracted to them. When I sat down to reflect on my emotions, I realized that I feel the same love for my family as I do my friends and my ex. I couldn't distinguish between those feelings of love. They were all the same to me. I knew something was wrong which lead me to looking into this community. Ultimately I've decided I fall somewhere on the aromatic spectrum but not the asexual spectrum. Put another way, I don't feel romantic love while still experiencing sexual attraction. I initially had to recognize that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not one in the same. They often overlap (both in terms of if you are attracted to someone or if you are not) but they are still separate. Once I recognized that, I was better able to grasp and recognize that my feelings of love are not inherently romantic. Sure I love people but I love everyone in the same way. I've talked to some of my alloromantic friends and family and they have described feeling different "loves" for different people in their life. Hearing these emotions expressed has helped me come to terms with the fact that there isn't something wrong with me, I just experience the world differently. Resolving my identities in myself has been a challenge and I'm not close to being finished. What's been helping me the most so far is recognizing that regardless of how I feel I know I'm not alone. This community writ large is here as I explore my feelings of aromaticism. I also know that I am not the only aromantic allosexual in the world. There are people who have similar experiences that I do. Regardless of what you decide for yourself you aren't alone, and being on the aro spectrum while still experiencing sexual attraction is valid. Only you can decide if you are aromantic or not.

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I'd say that you kinda hit it spot on with all of those. I can't pin it down to just one however in the post I expressed a sense of guilt because I didn't fit what I thought romance should be. I 100% over-exaggerated how I thought regular romantic relationships work. Thank you for calling me on that, I could've been clearer. We certainly gave each other privacy and time apart. All things considered, we had a very healthy relationship. They were willing to help with chores, it was just a struggled to get things moving.

I'm also autistic struggling with much the same things you are. Almost 1 for 1 worries and doubts that you mentioned. I am bi/pan sexual and constantly worried i'm making the wrong choice. Its comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these emotions and worries. I think all either of us can do is try and be true to ourselves. It'll be ok. I wouldn't resign yourself to life without romance, you're feelings and emotions could well shift in the future. As you are now you won't be in a year from now just as you aren't the same you as you were a year ago. I've been toying around with an alternative form of a relationship to help satisfy emotional and physical needs similar to what you've described. I've been imagining it as something similar to "friends with benefits" or a standard romantic relationship without the romance. Two people would be together, occasionally sleep and cuddle in the same bed, sex if desired, etc. but they'd also both be independent, having their own rooms and space. I'm not sure how else to describe it. They'd emotionally support each other to the extent each needs it while recognizing that they aren't romantically involved? I'm not sure if this makes sense at all.

I'm struggling with very similar worries and doubts about my attraction and I'm not sure what to do. I know Im not asexual. Its glaringly obvious to me, but I don't have that same obviousness for romantic attraction. I was engaged when I realized and called it off and I'm deeply worried that I simply mistook my emotions and fears for being aro. I'm dealing with it in two ways. First, i'm over rationalizing my emotions inorder to truly analyze them. This isn't the healthiest and I'm aware of that. It certainly helped me in the short term. I wrote (and posted) about 3.8K words on my doubts. The other way I'm dealing with it is trying to accept myself. Recognize that its ok. I've grown up in a western society that socialized me to want romance even if I don't experience that attraction. I'm slowly learning to accept that I further don't fit into the "normal" mold of society or even some queer circles. Ultimantly I won't be happy if I force myself into these areas and I'm trying to recognize that I'm the only one who lives my life, not others. To that end, I need to work on making myself happy above all else. Just remember that you're valid, and all you can do is be true to yourself now.

To expand on the content warning, I am not going to describe anything sexual, nor will I go into much detail, just briefly touching on my sexuality. It will be in a section titled "misc." towards the bottom. If that stuff makes you uncomfy you can read up till there safely! If this isn't the right place to post this then please let me know! I'm largely new to internet forums and am taking my best guess based on what other posts I'm seeing here. I'll take this down and move it elsewhere if need be! Some important context before I get to the ruminations. I am autistic, trans (mtf on hrt), in university, and currently defining myself as arovague. I'm not sure where, if at all, I fall on the aro spectrum and am trying to figure it out. I broke up with my long-term partner primarily because I believe that I am aromatic. If I am not aro I don't think I'll try to get back together with them. There were other issues present in the relationship that were largely preventing me from being as happy as I could be. I'll happily divulge any info anyone wants about those other reasons (either because you're curious or think they might be relevant), I'm not sure if they're relevant and don't want to write for too long about this (I do still have homework and exams to prep for lol). We were engaged and I do feel as though I am too young to get married in hindsight (I'm only 21). Having more time to learn who I am, living on my own, and letting myself explore me is important. Not just for me but for any possible future relationships of any kind I might have. TL;DR at the bottom. It's also important to note that my ex and I want to remain friends once we've healed and moved on from the pain of the breakup. As much as I'd like for somebody to read this post and say (ideally in an omnipresent and highly ominous voice coming from nowhere specifically) "you are aromatic" or "you are not aromatic, you're just scared of commitment. Get it together loser you're going to grad school" I recognize that won't happen. As I have written the majority of this essay, I am now 95% positive, I am somewhere on the Arospectrum, however I’m not sure where at this time or what this means for me in the long run. This has been a clarifying exercise. If anyone has any advice, insights, or just has something you want to say please feel free too! I will happily read what anyone has to say on this. I over rationalize my emotions and as a result much of what I'm about to write is a product of that. I'm struggling to figure out my romantic attraction and my present feelings (tbh sometimes I wish I could just turn them off). In my fruitless quest to ensure I don't feel but rather think my emotions I've ended up comparing how I feel about my ex at various stages of our relationship to how I've felt about my other very good friend over the course of our friendship as well as my family. I'll break this section up into early friendship, start of romantic relationship, middle of romantic relationship, and end of romantic relationship. I will also have a section talking about some misc. thoughts that I'm not sure where else they fit. Early friendship I met my good friend, henceforth referred to as Y, in 7th grade. We’ve known each other roughly 8-9 years now. At the start of this friendship (from what I can remember, it’s been a while) I felt emotions ranging from fear, happiness, anxiety, some despair, and hope. I had never had a friend whom I'd be able to talk to longer than 1-2 years before and it was looking like we'd be able to graduate highschool together. Many people I'd talk to in the past would think I'm weird, gross, or unfun to be with because of my autism. As a result, much of what I've experienced emotionally at the start I attributed to wanting a good friend. In comparison, when I first met my ex freshman year of college (~3 years ago now) I felt much of the same. My friend group hadn't really grown much since 7th grade, and I certainly lacked a second in person friend I could call close. I've made some online friends who are major boons to me, but nobody could give me a hug or go to lunch with me. As our friendship and bond grew closer, I grew happier knowing that I might finally have a friend who I could call close. Y also liked them so it made it far easier for me to forge a friendship as the three of us could hang out together. I experienced the same anxieties and fears about my ex as I did Y when we first met. I wanted to be close to them but also be able to hang out when I wanted to, not expect to all the time. As we progressed through the first semester we became very good friends, certainly nearing the level I wanted at the time. The second semester of freshman year came (and so did my awful roommate, remind me to tell yall those stories another time) and that's when I started questioning my gender. I didn't feel comfortable being called he/him or perceived as a boy and toyed around with the idea of being she/they and presenting more femme. Mentally it fit better for me than being a boy. My ex had a bad breakdown at the start of the semester and had to move back home for a while. After I finished with my year and went home for the summer, I started having near daily phone-calls with them. They were also having a gender crisis and we both needed a friend with whom we could relate. I think this is the real beginning of a budding romance. We'd call, talk about our days, just enjoy each other's company. During this period, I certainly thought I wanted a romantic relationship. If I'm being honest, I don't think I ever felt true romantic attraction. Even during our daily phone calls, I never felt like I had something deeper than a good friendship. Looking back on it, I almost think I wanted a romantic relationship because society told me I should want one. My friends all had/have one and I was one of the only ones in our group who didn't. Lots of the TV and movies I’ve watched featured romantic relationships. I saw an opportunity there and thought I had to at least try. I certainly would say I loved them at the time. It’s questionable if I loved them romantically or platonically. I'm unable to parse those emotions. I would also say I loved my good friend at this period. With him, it certainly wasn't and isn't romantic. I felt very similar about my ex as I did my friend during this period. Start of the romantic relationship Towards the end of summer, we decided to start attempting to date. It was initially long distance which lasted all of 3 days before they decided they weren't ready. I respected it (cried a bit) and told them if they ever wanted to try again, I'd be happy to. As a brief aside, if I didn't feel romantic attraction then why was I crying about this rejection? I'm not sure if it felt like a friend saying they didn't want to be that close to me, or if it was/is indicative of something more. I felt hurt, scared, and alone. I don't have any experiences with people who aren't my ex to compare this too. Once we both settled down in our college town for the next year we decided to try again, and it went well. We enjoyed our first date, enjoyed our time together, enjoyed talking, etc. I certainly felt incredibly happy and joyful. I had many of the same fears as always but overall was happy they said yes to dating me. On the whole, my feelings remained largely the same. Lots of joy, lots of happiness, I was sad when we weren’t together, I was content. Despite my joy and happiness, I'm not convinced I looked at them and felt "romance" or "love" beyond the standard emotions I've been feeling since we started talking. The best way I can describe it is with the metaphor of a swimming pool. If how much “love” one has is equivalent to the depth of the pool, with a certain “depth” being “romance”, its as though I was not able to dive deep enough to reach the romance sections. I recognize the metaphor is imperfect and problematic, however I hope it gets the point across. No matter how deeply I loved them, it’s almost as though I wasn’t doing it enough, my love may have deepened but I couldn’t ever describe it as “romance”. Even at my peak of love for them, I’m not convinced I couldn’t say its “romance”. I could get deep into the pool however I couldn’t get deep enough. No matter how many dates we went on, no matter how much we connected, I never experienced a “shift” in my love, it felt the same just growing deeper as we grew closer. Put another way, my love felt the same regardless of the circumstance, it only felt more robust. Middle of romantic relationship This will likely be the shortest section of my whole post. On the whole there wasn’t a ton of change in our relationship. We certainly grew closer, and certainly did activities “couples” would do. Both of our feelings grew during this relationship. They certainly fell deeper in love with me and my attraction to them grew. I was happy and content in the relationship, however I still never experienced a shift. It was the same love, just more intense. I went deeper but felt like I could never cross the line into romance. I part of my struggles is that I’m not sure what defines romance. Based on googles definition there should be excitement or mystery associated with love. I certainly felt excited when I felt/feel love for them. But that excitement is the same as I felt for Y, and to an extent, my family. I certainly don’t look at my mom or dad or brother and think “yes, I am so in love with you that I want to be with you and only you forever”. I look at them and I say “Yes, I love you, but I love you in a familial way. I will call on you for help and enjoy your company but also, I don’t want to be with you all the time” Y and my ex don’t inspire familial love, but they do inspire at least platonic love. Y inspires platonic love, and my ex inspires a very similar love, so are they not the same love just different saturations? Have I not always been platonically attracted to them and just mistook those feelings as romance because that’s what I thought I needed to do to be accepted by society? I think my misinterpreting of my emotions is what happened. So then why was I so happy with them? If it wasn’t romance, why was I so much happier with them? I experienced very intense feelings of joy and happiness and a desire to be around them. Certainly, moreso than when I was around Y and he’s one of my best friends. Perhaps these emotions are simply stronger now than they would have been later in the relationship. I recall being very happy and joyful while hanging out with Y at the start of the relationship and those emotions slowly tempered themselves as time went on. Perhaps my emotions are more intense due to the fact the relationship is a. still relatively new (it took around 3ish years for those feelings with Y to die down substantially) and b. I’ve started hrt. It’s probable I’m struggling so much because I’m experiencing puberty, and my hormones are a little wack atm (within normal levels but still). Emotions and friendships were much harder for me during my first bout with puberty than pre-puberty or the interim between finishing the first and starting hrt. End of Romantic relationship It has now been two weeks since we broke up. The emotions surrounding my breakup are still raw. I’ve done enough thinking and healing to be able to write about this without it being a trauma dump. The beginning of the end of our relationship started roughly 3 months before we broke up. I’d say I started to analyze how I felt shortly after thanksgiving. A lot of the analysis done was focused on how I feel. I recognize I love them, and that I was happy, but I didn’t/don’t think I was happy for the right reasons. I realized that, while I enjoyed talking to them, it wasn’t as strong at the start. I began to dread seeing them. I wasn’t upset or annoyed, and I certainly wasn’t angry, but the idea of having to listen and not being able to do what I wanted caused me some dread. In many ways, I began to grow independent again. I’ve always been an independent person. I’ll ask for help if/when needed, but on the whole, I prefer to do things for myself by myself. I don’t super enjoy being someone’s caretaker. Throughout the relationship, I would routinely cook, do the laundry, do lots of cleaning, etc. They helped with all those things and my ex is not a helpless person, however they do not enjoy cooking, cleaning, or laundry. So, I just kinda…did it. Towards the end I started to get drained and burned out. I ascribed those feelings to stress but now am thinking it’s because the caretaker role is simply too much for me to do alone. This burnout helped me begin to re-evaluate my emotions. I realized that yes, I do love them, but when I look at Y and my ex, I don’t feel that much different. My heart doesn’t skip a beat, I didn’t get continuous butterflies, I’m not super excited for them to come home from work, etc. I do love them and love our time together, but it felt like the same love I have for Y. Realizing my love for my ex and Y are much the same, I then started asking myself what it meant and ultimately realized that it probably means I’m aro. Afterall, if the love I feel towards Y, my ex, and my family are all very similar just slightly different, does that mean that I don’t love any of them? Am I romantically attracted to all of them? If I’m romantically attracted to everyone then does that mean I’m not romantically attracted to anyone? It’s clear that I experience love. I’m not sure how to define that love. It never has felt deep enough to be romantic love. Alloromantics often describe a feeling of “knowing” that someone is the one. Or often feeling like they were swept off their feet. I can’t confidently say that I was or am “swept off my feet” by them nor can I say I in some way “know” that they’re the one. I feel happy and confident with them, but I also feel happy and confident with Y or my family. I never felt anything more than I normally would when I’m with people. After the breakup (which went about as well as it could’ve gone), I was hurting, sad, desiring them, etc. I certainly felt the hurt and pain that comes with a breakup. Those emotions also trip me up. Why am I mourning the loss of this aspect of our relationship if I didn’t romantically love them. Friends I have talked to have said things along the lines of “its ok to mourn the loss of this aspect” and “just because you’re aro doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to hurt at the loss of what could have been and the identity you thought you had”. All of those are fair, however they don’t’ explain the inherent hurt. Afterall, we’re still going to be friends, we’re still talk. It might not happen right away, and I certainly need time to heal but on the whole, the relationship is shifting back to what we had before pre-dating. We’re close friends who get to vent/talk to each other, see movies, etc. Why am I hurting and so upset about the breakup if I wasn’t in some way romantically attracted to them? Parsing all my emotions surrounding the breakup I can separate them into two camps. The first are ‘egocentric’ emotions and the second are ‘egoless’ emotions. My egocentric emotions, or the emotions about me and how I feel, include things like fear, hurt, upset, desire, a tiny bit of excitement, etc. My egoless emotions are emotions such as upset at hurting someone I care about, fear they hate me, fear they don’t ever want to be associated with me, sadness that I don’t get to hug and cuddle them anymore, etc. My egoless emotions are straightforward. Because we didn’t end on bad terms nor do we hate each other, I’m still upset at hurting someone I love. I’d feel the same if I hurt Y or anyone in my family. My egocentric emotions don’t make sense. Why would I fear the future, hurt at what I don’t have anymore, or desire to be with them if I don’t romantically love them? These emotions might be big enough to cause me to rethink what’s going on. Is it possible I got scared of the commitment and didn’t want to risk the hurt of the future, so I bailed and am further misinterpreting emotions? I know that towards the end I was not as happy as I was towards the beginning. It felt like I was simply going through the motions and wished to go through those motions on my time on my terms. But if the only shift in my emotions that have occurred are focused on the fact, I wasn’t happy in the caretaker role (in addition to a few other problems. It was cumulative), why did I not realize that sooner? How could I have gone over a year and a half not realizing that I don’t romantically love them? These are questions that I continue to contemplate and am unsure if I will ever be able to have a truly satisfactory answer. Misc. This section has emotions and extraneous thoughts that I could not fit into the main breakdown of the relationship. I’m not sure where else to put them so I’m going to collect them here! I will discuss my sexuality at the very end of this section, and it will be marked very clearly. Since we have broken up I have had to do some laundry and help them a bit while I’m looking for a place to stay. These “caretaking” activities have been substantially less than before, and yet I’m finding myself being far more ok with this. I suspect I’m more ok with the caretaking activities because I’m doing them less than before. I still don’t have fun and I’d still rather do these on my own time and schedule without having someone else in mind, but still. Also, since breaking up I’ve found myself happier listening to them. I’ve found myself getting excited at what they have to say. This is very reminiscent of how I felt when we became friends and the beginning of our relationship. This can point to either me being on the arospectrum and far more comfortable being close friends with people, or it could be me being afraid of commitment. My thinking goes that because now the commitment to the relationship is lower, I’m more ok with engaging with it. I don’t have to worry about messing things up, because we’re just friends, they’ll forgive me eventually and the pain is going to be easier to manage. I still can’t figure out why or how I experienced enough love to say yes to dating them, or hell, even an engagement, if I’m aro. This is where I begin to discuss sexuality. Skip to the “conclusion” section if you don’t want to read about this. I am not ace. I can say with certainty that I experience sexual attraction. It is glaringly obvious, and I can clearly identify when I am horny and can identify what makes me happy while I am horny. If it is so obvious that I am experiencing sexual attraction and know when I am horny, should romance not be the same? Obviously, I wouldn’t be “horny” emotionally for someone, but the point stands. I can clearly identify this attraction and desire so then why am I not able to identify that so obviously for romance. The same argument holds true for other emotions. I can tell and identify when I am happy, sad, when I am experiencing love for friends and family, would romance not be the same? If I am capable of romantic attraction, I feel as though it should not be this hard to identify. I still miss them, and my heart still hurts to not be around them. I want to hold them and have them next to me. I know that I’m missing the physicality of the relationship. The hugging, cuddling, kissing, sex, etc. But I also feel like I’m missing them. A part of me misses being able to talk to them. I miss listening to them. I have a strong feeling that if I went back, I’d simply end up returning to the state of annoyance, state of dread. I know that I’m hurting and that’s why I want to be with them, in the long run I won’t be happy. I’m so confused as to why I’m missing more than the cuddling, hugging, hand holding, etc. Conclusion Thank you all for reading and apologies for the long post. I’m relatively positive that I am aro, this exercise in rationalization has been most useful for me. I still have unanswered questions and I’m not sure where to begin answering them. Either way, I do know I’ll be ok, and I’ll get this figured out eventually. I hope you all are doing well and can’t wait to see you all in other posts! Overall, I’m scared, and worried that I got it wrong and made the biggest mistake of my life. What if I’m not aro? What if I do want kids? What if the caretaker role doesn’t crush me and I’m just burned out from school? Did I just burn the best bridge I was ever given? I know that nobody but me can answer these questions and I’m not looking for answers. I just want to make sure that I get everything down on paper. TL; DR I am unsure if I am aro and broke up with my long-term partner. I do feel love, but the love is largely the same across the board. Not the exact same, just slightly different. I was unhappy in the relationship and now that I’m finished with it, I am tons happier doing the things that made me unhappy before. Does that mean that I’m just scared of commitment and as the relationship became more real, I grew more fearful? Or am I aro and romantic relationships make me unhappy in the longtrun?

I generally tend to play almost anything! I'm currently playing "lies of P". I'm far from the biggest fan of the souls like genre but I must admit they do a good job at making you feel certain ways. Otherwise I love puzzle games such as "Portal 2" and "tetris", shooters such as "doom" and roguelikes such as "risk of rain 2".

Hello! I've just signed up for the forum. I'm questioning pretty heavily if I'm aromantic rn or not. Currently I'm defining myself as Arovague (at least according to the comprehensive list that's posted here, this feels like the best fit for the time being). I just recently broke up with my long term partner because I think I am (there are many reasons for the breakup but my romantic attraction is one of the biggest reasons). I'm overall hoping to learn more about aromanticism and get closer to the community. On a much lighter note I love playing videogames, dnd, and reading. I'm currently in university and close to graduating with my undergrad! I'm trying to get into grad school but it is yet to be seen if I am accepted. I hope to make many new friends here!