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Posts posted by aro_elise

  1. On 5/15/2020 at 9:54 PM, fagricipni said:

    though, that is an interesting question: given that I haven't had any partners in over 5 years, to what extent is my bisexuality and polyamorousness truly a behavior rather than an attitude?

    exactly!  i'm heterosexual and polyamorous and i've only ever been with one guy, but people accept that i'm straight (if that's what i choose to say for simplicity's sake--and i haven't told anyone i'm poly).  like, whether i'm involved with 0, 1, or more guys, i'm still aro and still poly.  i do find it odd that people define their orientation(s) by their behaviour, like "i'm straight because i date/have sex with guys," "i'm poly because i'm in a relationship with 2 people".  "if i kiss a girl am i bi?"  (my answer: well, not just because of that, but was your motivation to kiss her not attraction?)  similarly, i'm not aro because i don't date; i don't date because i'm aro, as in, without romantic attraction there's nothing leading me to want a romantic relationship.

    anyway, to answer @hart watcher's question, i've told my parents and a couple close friends i'm aro, like in a sort of coming out moment, and besides that i just mention it if it comes up naturally, not purposely trying to reveal or hide it.

    • Like 1

  2. yes, it's normal, particularly in the early stages of the journey of identifying and living as an aromantic person.  i also dated someone to try to be allo, and cried when we broke up, but out of relief.  but i do remember thinking that since he was so great, if it didn't happen with him (romantic attraction/enjoyable romantic relationship), it wouldn't happen with anyone.  like that was the test, and the results were in.  i must echo you and the others by saying that you should continue to be aware of amatonormativity and the opportunities for happiness outside of romance, and i believe that when you're happy with your life because it makes sense for you, the lack of romance in it will seem like one of many positives, rather than a negative.  however, if you are genuinely interested in aspects of romantic relationships such as dates, physical and/or emotional closeness, or whatever, it is possible to have that with someone who understands that you're not romantically attracted to them, and isn't to you either, if that's something which would make you more comfortable--it is for me.  sometimes people ask me what my ideal relationship would look like, and i say it's not so much about what it would look like from the outside, or what activities it would involve/exclude (to some extent, sure), but how it would feel.  if it's that you want to actually experience romantic attraction, i suppose you know you just have to find peace with the probability that you won't.  i hope you do find that; it's a great feeling.

    • Like 1

  3. hey!  i'm pretty similar.  same age; i started identifying as aro at 17, after a long transition from denial, to maybe i'll call myself aro in my head but like i'm not committed, to acceptance.  and i've had squishes since i was young, and thought the ones on guys were crushes.  and i like your interests 😄  the only difference is i've always been 100% sure i'm 100% heterosexual, but i also don't consider it a big deal.  i look forward to hearing more of your thoughts too.

  4. this may not be a simple or surprising thing, but traveling.  i guess the thing is, i don't have to be doing a specific thing, like seeing popular attractions or whatever, just being in a different place is so cool to me.  i just walk around and get the feel of it.  i want to go everywhere.  i've heard that it's pretty common for americans to never leave the country, like not because of money or work or whatever but because they just don't feel like it, and that's crazy to me. 

  5. my best friend is all i'll ever need.  (i want sexual partners, but that's different--i mean for closeness/love.)  i want to live with her at some point, but i'm honestly fine with the idea of her finding a romantic partner/husband and living with him for life.  i want to be all over the world anyway, not in the same place for long.  and besides her, i'd prefer to live alone (i have a roommate due to circumstance, until next april.)  i've entertained ideas of asking my best friend for a qpr or some kind of like, unofficial friend-wedding, but i don't think anything would actually change; i don't want it to (except to see her more often).  as for my friends other than her, i'm happy to have them, of course, and i'll be happy to make new ones.  i feel like what i want i either already have or it's within reach.

    • Like 2

  6. listen to yourself.  if it's who you are or it's right for you, be honest with yourself and don't apologize.  that's the kind of freedom and peace you can't even explain.  if you want it, go get it, no time like the present.  if it's not making you happy, let it go.  sometimes you'll be unhappy for no reason.  get help.  it's ok to not be ok, and it won't always be like this.  god loves you and is with you always.  you're perfect.  i love you.  oh, and love allison the best way you know how, forever.  i hope you know how lucky you are.

    • Like 1

  7. On 5/29/2020 at 9:48 PM, Kate Bishop best arrowace said:

    I realized how miserable being in a relationship was making me.


    2 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

    If you have romance repulsions the reality of a relationship can be scarier than the worst horror movie. 


    just try to remember crushes and romantic relationships aren't the only fun/happy experience, or even the only sort you can have with another person.  idk whether you have or want squishes/qprs or sexual partners, but friends, surely.  pretty much anything you wish you could do with a romantic partner, you could do with a friend or qpp, and lots you can do alone.  and even if i try to imagine being allo (which, to be fair, i can't), i really can't imagine loving anyone more than my best friend--it's just the best love i could hope for.

  8. On 5/31/2020 at 10:36 AM, yurihands said:

    aaa is it ok if you post the link to that thread? I'd like to see more people's experiences with that! Especially if the therapists were supposed to be "inclusive"

    also god i'm really sorry about that T__T I really hope you'll be able to find a good accepting therapist too!

    thanks, i did some group therapy, where no one's orientation came up, but at some point i'm sure i'll be looking for individual so yeah good luck to all of us who are.


    • Like 1

  9. that sucks.  it happens to me a lot because basically in therapy it'll come up some way or another.  if i don't bring it up, they'll ask my orientation (i've even had a general practitioner ask that), or whether i'm in a relationship, and when i say i haven't been since i was 17 that'll raise further questions.  and, you know, you don't want to feel like you have to lie or hide stuff from your therapist, but every time i'm about to say the word 'aromantic,' i'm thinking, here we go.  i talked about a particularly bad experience here a while ago.  even the best therapist i've had didn't get it and it seemed like she wanted to find some reason for it, but since it has nothing to with what i was seeing her about, i didn't talk about it much and she just let it go.  but i agree, in a way you want to get it out of the way right away so you can assess their response and decide whether you want to keep seeing them.  i hope you find the right solution, if it comes to telling your current therapist that if he can't accept what he knows about you already, you don't feel comfortable confiding in him any more, whether he accepts it or you find someone else.

    • Like 2

  10. to me it doesn't even sound like it was something you wanted to happen, based on the following:

    15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

    this’ll be awkward


    15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

    I don’t care about the kiss I’m aroace remember


    15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

    I wasn’t like ooh I want to kiss him

    as well as that you seemed more "upset" that you might have hurt his feelings than anything.

    and when you said:

    15 hours ago, Athena2905 said:

    also if I was into anyone he would be the type, like he was really pretty

    did you mean you weren't into him?  and if not him, surely no one?

    all this is just my interpretation.  but as others pointed out, even if you were neutral/unsure or favourable about the situation in the dream, it doesn't necessarily reflect real-life attraction.  sometimes we do or think about things out of curiosity and/or a feeling of obligation rather than because we particularly want to.  (i mean in real life, but the dream could have been a sort of exploration of curiosity.)  i got into a romantic relationship for that reason, and i'm definitely aro.  but as always, try not to worry or feel a need to be totally sure of or unchanging in your identity.

  11. cool!  makes sense, considering, as @Mark pointed out, we didn't hear much of romance in the west until relatively recently either.  and i'm sure i'd be interested to read the book and consider from my perspectives as heterosexual, aro, feminist, 'non-traditional' woman, and all that.  hey, you know what would be neat?  if a few of us read it so we could have more discussions, maybe even chapter-by-chapter.  like a book club, or like we used to do in school 😄

    • Like 1

  12. there are a few.  here's the movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WYjo-Wrd2w&t=1617s

    and here are some moments with approximate times to cut them off:

    26:24-26:52 allison says she's never been in love (i also just really like this part because of how she talks about her passion/future career--i know exactly how she feels)

    37:25-37:42 her mom says she wants allison to fall in love and get married, allison objects

    42:58-43:04 "i'm never going to get married; i'm just going to have lovers" (the surrounding scene is sort of a conversation between her and norman about relationships and sex, and they kiss without being romantically involved, but it's too long for a 'moment'--just if you want to watch for interest's sake)

    2:08:39-2:08:50 "...and kiss boys whenever the impulse sweeps over me"


    • Like 1

  13. i watched a movie with a character i relate to so much!  allison mackenzie from peyton place (1957).  for reference, she narrates at an unknown age the story which includes her 18th birthday and presumably at least one more.  she's almost definitely aromantic (though she wouldn't be able to call it that) and heterosexual.  she plans not to get married, but to "have lovers".  she likes to "kiss boys whenever the impulse sweeps over (her)".  she's happy to live on her own, pursue her dream career (writing), and socialize.  there's a guy she's kind of involved with; we see them talk, kiss, swim at the lake, and after going their separate ways, meet unexpectedly on a train and agree to have dinner together.  there's no indication that they end up as long-term partners, or even (as far as i could see) that either likes the other romantically.  we do see other couples who are definitely married or in committed relationships, leading me to believe that if they were, it would be equally explicit.  oh, and she has a single mom--she was the "mistress" of a married man who died when allison was 2.  she ends up in a committed relationship with a nice man, so it doesn't seem like allison's preferences are supposed to be influenced by her mom's ~scandalous~ past.  she clearly values love, as she begins the story by describing the four seasons and adding: "but there was a fifth season, of love.  and only the wise or the lucky ones knew where to find it."  the end of the movie is the end of her narration: "we'd finally discovered that season of love.  it is only found in someone else's heart.  right now, someone you know is looking everywhere for it.  and it's in you."  which btw i think is really lovely even without the specifically non-romantic context i'm giving it.  so yeah, that was super cool.  i watch almost exclusively old movies and i can say that especially for the time, the movie was very bold.  wasn't afraid to get into serious/controversial topics and discussions, including premarital/casual sex, and--if you're thinking of watching it, trigger warning--rape, murder (self-defense), and suicide.  heavy, but good.

    • Like 2

  14. ohh man.  yup.  it was with my first and only boyfriend.  we were 17.  we'd already been dating for a couple weeks and i guess i'd been avoiding it.  we were on my couch, we'd finished watching something, i sensed him looking at me and i purposely kept looking forward lmao i wasn't exactly sure what was up but i was uncomfortable, as usual.  then he kissed me on the cheek and i was like, ok fine, so i turned and kissed him.  i guess i was like, if this is happening, it's gonna be as non-romantic (ie sexual) as possible, so it was like full-on making out.  i remember after he left i was like, ok that was cool.  when we kissed normally, like a quick kiss goodbye or whatever, i was not so thrilled.  because i perceive that as romantic/perfunctory.  these respective feelings are still the same, but now i understand and accept them.  since then, i've just made out with a few guys, including him again.

  15. i experience strong platonic attraction/love.  for squishes, it's kind of similar to how i've heard crushes described, in that i'm excited to be around them and think about them a lot.  no butterflies, just like, 'cool!  there they are!'  for my best friend of 15 years, it's this wonderful, comfortable, peaceful love, like i know it'll last forever.  but it also overwhelms me sometimes just to feel how strong it is.  and yeah, i value friendship very highly too.  i can't quite tell how your experiences compare, but they do sound like some sort of platonic love.

  16. i'm not sure whether you mean you're aroace or like, if there were someone you were/could be sexually attracted to but they show romantic attraction toward you, you become repulsed by the idea of not just romance but also sex with them.  i'm going to comment on the latter.  i think i'm kind of like that.  when i was dating my ex, we didn't do much sexual stuff and even now in retrospect it's hard for me to figure out to what degree that was because i was freaked out about the whole romantic situation vs i just wasn't ready regardless.  a bit of both.  4 years later (recently), we hooked up.  before and after, i was vaguely concerned that his romantic attraction to me might sort of return, and after, when he showed what i interpreted as somewhat romantic affection, i was romance-repulsed.  (i don't know whether he intended it to be romantic, sexual, or something else, and it doesn't much matter.  we later agreed to be--for lack of a better word--"just" friends.)  obviously my concerns weren't big enough to deter me from doing it once, but yeah.  so hypothetically, if i were sexually attracted to someone (with whom i don't have a complicated history) and i found out he was romantically attracted to me, would that change?  i don't think so.  i'd be apprehensive but not sex-repulsed.  like this:

    On 4/17/2020 at 10:20 PM, Apathetic Echidna said:

    mood killers is the perfect word for what I was trying to work out. Romance issues are more like mood killers than triggers for sexual repulsion

    so yeah, it seems they can definitely be at least related in some way for many of us.

  17. apparently i've voted some time ago but not commented, so here i am now.

    hugs: i think i said sometimes.  i never dislike them, but as a greeting between not particularly close friends/family, it's like, whatever, just social convention.  with those i love, it's nice.

    kisses: sometimes.  if it's sexual, like making out, then yes.  obviously with someone i'm sexually attracted to.  otherwise no.

    cuddling: no.  i see it as a romantic thing, and didn't like it with my ex.  i doubt i would with friends either, it just seems unnecessary and inconvenient.


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