Holmbo

Maybe you need some distance to your friend until it passes

In the last season of The Expanse there's a non binary character. They only have a small role and I don't remember if their pronouns are even said on the show but it's been stated by the show runners that they're non binary.

I've been thinking lately that maybe I should try out some sexual interaction again. I've always been sex favorable but when I've done sexual activities in the past they've always bored me. However I've been learning more about my body since then so it made me think I could enjoy it more. Last night I had a sex dream which is very unusual for me and it made me curious. 

But I'm not sure how to go about experimenting. I don't want a romantic relationship but I also don't feel sure enough to just go on tinder and tell a stranger I want to have sex. I also feel uncomfortable bringing up the idea with any of my friends because I don't want to complicate any friendships.

So I'm asking you fellow aro ace what's your experience? Allo aces experience might also be helpful.

On 11/13/2022 at 2:39 AM, alto said:

When people talk about commitment in allo-aro relationships, I always think of THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO series.  They have rather good representation on that score.  A lot of the main characters in that series are allo-aro, and in my opinion it's very well-done.  But I'm an aro-ace.  What would I know?

Yeah I reread the first book pretty recently and I didn't realize until then that it's a good representarion. I view Salander as asexual and alloromantic though. She enjoys sex but it's stated later by one character that she doesn't seem to have an orientation, which I view as she does not experience sexually attraction. 

I read in a Swedish polyamory group a discussion about non monogamy in fiction and one person said that Berger's relationship with Blomkvist and her husband meant a lot to them as it was the first ethical non monogamy relationship they'd encountered.

@Storm_leopardcat

It's interesting that you feel sex free romantic relationships are more common than vise versa because I feel the opposite. In my country it would be viewed very weird by most if a romantic couple did not have sex.

This post made reflected broader about the LGBT+ community.

My view is that it's not that useful to view LGBT+ as one contained community. For example is a straight, cis, alloromantic demisexual person part of LGBT+ ? I would say so, but that doesn't mean other LGBT+ will feel they have anything specific in common with them. There will be experiences that only some LGBT+ people can relate to and they might want to form separate spaces in which they can share them unhindered.

On the other hand some of the prejudices affecting LGBT+ can affect straight cis people as well. Prejudices tied into gender expectations and amatonormativity. It's useful to make common cause I think rather than to see all of LGBT+ as one group clearly distinct from other.

You can't make someone understand something. You can just explain and hope that they understand.

With that I don't mean I'm not aromantic anymore. Just that being solo is such an automatic thing for me now I don't even really consider it much. Most content about aromanticism seems so obvious to me or kinda overly dramatic. Maybe it will change if I explore new connections.

Loveless by Alice Oseman

Your orientation doesn't dictate what you can or can't do. You could be aromantic but enjoy dating and ending up in a committed romantic relationship. Or you could be alloromantic but not want to date and prefer only friendships. My advice is for you to try to get as much different experiences as possible. Reflect on how you feel about it and follow where your interest takes you.

On 2/19/2018 at 12:45 AM, Star Girl said:

Ahhh! Someone else who actually reads Vorkosigan! I like the romance in that series in general... (Shards of Honor is one of my favorites.) I think I like them because the way the characters deal with romance is so much in line with who they are as a character (read Komarr and Civil Campaign). Sometimes in other series, it seems like once you add the romantic plot line, you can toss everything you know about that character out the window.

I took a long break in the series because I didn't much enjoy the earliest Miles books. But recently I got back into it and now I'm approaching the books you mentioned above. I'm interested to see what they will be like.

Me and my friend is having a Russian themed party

Maybe it will always feel hard to prove a negative. I personally identify more with solo and single identity rather than being aro or ace. As I see it many aros couple up in romantic relationships. I feel I have more in common with a solo alloromantic person than an aro in, say a qpr.

On 10/27/2022 at 1:50 PM, nonmerci said:

It reminds me how in English, celibate means "don't have sex" but in French célibataire means "single". I think it is interesting cause it means that in etymology, the idea of not having sex and of being single were connected.

(i also think it is ironic cause of the stereotype of the single person who has a lot of one night stands, but that's another thing lol)

 

Now I don't think in French, we have terms that describe aromantic and asexuality (except now, aromantique and asexuel). We do have terms to describe people who never get married and presumely never have sex (cause you know, no sex if you are not married) : vieille fille (old girl) and vieux garçon (old boy). I think it is more pejorative for women (you know, the stereotype of the very strict woman who never has fun once in her life, and is of course this way because not being married frustrates her so much that she is mean with everyone...), but the origin of both terms is derogatory. Apparently there is no official origin of these terms but here's what I think I can't see how it can be otherwise : basically, you only become a man or a woman after marriage and/or have sex. So if you don't, you stay a boy or a girl even if you are old. So, vieille fille and vieux garçon. At least that's how I read it.

Same as in Sweden with gammelpojk = old boy

I've not heard any term for unmarried old women but now when I googled it they were apparently called gammelkulla in some places. Kulla just means unmarried woman as far as I can tell. Funnily the term for old married woman was kärring which now is an insult, similar to calling someone an old hag.

I didn't know about aromanticism until I was about 25. I don't know if I would have ID as aromantic and asexual at 16 if I'd known about them. Probably not since I was very invested in the idea of sex and just really longing to have done it.

I totally relate. To me the feelings are just weird and they seem too easily evoked to feel flattering

On 10/1/2022 at 9:33 AM, roboticanary said:

this is great, but i think i'm personally going to settle down as a rather lapsed member of the aro religion.

Secular Aros are ok. You can just have the food and the home decorations for the holidays

On 10/10/2022 at 1:26 AM, The Gray Warlock said:

I don't care for spooning. I can never get a good night's sleep with someone's full dead weight on my arm, and I can't turn to get into a more comfortable position without waking her. So I get to wake up with a limp arm, stiff spine and foggy brain. How wonderful!

Agreed. I always feel like I need to turn so much more when I'm sleeping next to someone. The knowledge that I can't turn freely makes me super aware of any discomfort.

The funny thing though is sometimes when I'm laying in bed I imagine someone spooning me and it makes me feel comforted. Imagined spooning is nice.

On 10/14/2022 at 6:34 AM, ClearSkiesAhear said:

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve completely misunderstood what dates are because it sounds like just two people go do fun thing together to bond and have fun and I think that aspect of romance sounds really nice and fun.  Are platonic dates a thing?  If they aren’t they should be.

They totally are. I've been on many platonic dates using the couchsurfer app.

No matter your romantic orientation it's ok that you don't feel romantic attraction to your friend. If you are afraid of leading them on tell them you're not romantically attracted to them, either straight forward or indirectly by saying you don't have any crushes or such on anyone currently.

15 hours ago, Nix said:

Awesome, thanks for the link!

The subtitles are a bit of but understandable.

@Whirl
That's a great story. I've not read one where lists are used in that way.

When it comes to homosexuality most cultures have older terms and euphemisms for it. I wonder if any culture has similar for aromantic and/or asexual. Have you heard of any?

I suppose some terms for singles, like confirmed bachelor, is kinda related. In Sweden there's also a term "gammelpojk" (=old boy) which meant a man who never married. However because of heteronormavity these terms usually just mean that someone doesn't have an interest in straight relationships.

I'm watching it right now on https://www1.dramacool.cr/drama-detail/koi-senu-futari
I never watch J-drama so it's a pretty weird experience for me. It's like all the acting and culture is super unfamiliar but all the aro stuff is the same.

I suppose that allos often feel romantic attraction but at first it's just potential and it only grows of they actually interact.

It's weird though that it seems limited to one person, unlike sexual attraction. Does it just turn off once the person is in a relationship. Or is it just a cultural expectation that you're not suppose to feel romantic attraction for more than one person so people suppress it?

I like kissing, but I prefer kissing strangers. I like physical touch generally but it seems that is more often connected to sex than romance.

In terms of romantic activities there's not much of it I enjoy. I like to go on dates with people and talk about personal topics but that's not inherently romantic.

I was gonna post but mine contained a phone number so I don't want to share it