Neon

So I've been kind of poking around the idea of romance in general with my mom (I don't need to with my dad because he'll tell her anything I tell him). And, yeah, no. It did not go well. 

Basically, I asked her to read this thing about amatonormativity that I wrote for class. I talked about the stereotypes of being single first, and she responded that people without romantic relationships die young. To which I countered that those studies were biased, and I had proof. She said I, and the person with a doctorate (in this area?), were wrong (specifically, "the statistics aren't wrong". Yeah I know. But the correlation drawn isn't true). We argued on that for a least half an hour. Later I brought up aromanticism and some other points, which she ignored.

Which is so weird for her. I rarely ask her for help on writing now because there is a 95% chance we will get into a yelling match about word choice. Her not commenting on a point I made is strange, to say the least. 

And at the end, she suggested that I change my whole argument to a discussion of the etymology of the word(See? Attempted argument over word choice. What'd I say?) and it's accuracy. Specifically, that it was an incorrect, niche concept.

So yeah. That was fun. I mean, I may be overblowing it a bit, as she's been frustrating me in other ways recently. But it's still annoying. She's always been so focused on women succeeding on their own, that I assumed it applied to romance as well. I guess not. Or, at least not for me.

It depends. I hate them if they happen without warning, and/or the intention is unclear. Even reading romantic coded scenes can make me uncomfortable if there's too much of it. But if I'm asked, and I know it's platonic, I can really enjoy them (depending on the activity).

I'm looking at you, YA authors (and TV/movie producers, and basically everyone apparently)

39 minutes ago, 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess said:

Here's a professional look at Twilight.  It makes me glad that I never read or watched it.  

Honestly, it was so bad. I watched it with a some friends as a joke and it got to the point where the criticism was all the same. They couldn't even come up with multiple plot holes. Also it was really uncomfortable. That relationship is so screwed up.

I normally have a rule that I have to read the book first, but I don't think I could get through it.

I am cis, but have a complicated relationship with gender expression. I tend to feel fairly uncomfortable in traditionally feminine clothing (with the exceptions of heels and sometimes skirts). I've tried it many times, and it is not my thing. I tend to just put on the first shirt and pair of pants I grab, but some days I do make an effort to look more/less like a girl.

I've never understood people putting stock into their appearance, much less when it is to impress someone. My lack of concern may partially come from the fact that I just don't care for people seeing me that way.

So, for your main question, I do think you could be aro. That label is up to you if it fits and you want to use it though.

As for your current relationship, if you are uncomfortable in it, I'd break it off. Even if there were romantic feelings (which you said there probably weren't), you shouldn't be in a relationship solely because of that, especially if you aren't comfortable with it. If you want to wait longer, and experiment and see, make sure you are doing so critically, and not forcing yourself to do something you aren't okay with - even if that's just a QPR.

As for saying "I love you", I find it hard to do that with my friends platonically, even when they do it first. The one time I have been okay with it is when "platonically" was specified.

2 hours ago, Guest Duskywing said:

I get them on an abstract level. I understand them... abstractly.

That is exactly how I understand romantic love. In an abstract sense with a lot of similes helping me along. It's like, I get it, but also I very much do not. And every time I've thought I understood what romantic love was, I turned out to be wrong.

On 11/28/2020 at 11:35 AM, Queasy_Attention said:

I've been trying to get into Pratchett, but I have no idea where to start-- it seems like all his books are sort of one-off stories set in the same universe. Which of his books do you think could serve as a good intro to that universe?

I personally started with Small Gods, which is good because it introduced a lot of the concepts present in Discworld.

Personally, I think it is up to the individual to define themself and the label (or lack of) that they feel comfortable with.

27 minutes ago, Queasy_Attention said:

Questions like "when are you going to find a boyfriend", "when do you want to get married", and "who do you like"  are constantly prevalent from the moment you emerge from puberty.

Not just puberty, this has been a thing for me since 3rd grade at the latest...

IDK about your mom, but mine tends to be a little controlling. When I wanted to grow my hair out, I showed her some styles I liked and "asked for her input". This made it seem like it was something I was doing whether she liked it or not, and stopped her from arguing too much because she thought that she had a voice in the process.

Meatball

On 11/26/2020 at 6:17 PM, Ettina said:

Plus, I feel like the concept of aspec is valuable for aroaces. It's important to acknowledge the split-orientation folks too, but aroaces shouldn't have to feel forced to divide themselves between two separate communities for something that is often a unified experience in the same way that gay, lesbian, straight, etc are for people with non-split orientations.

I agree. Personally, the two feel fairly distinct to me, but they intersect in some ways. And other people will see aroace differently for themselves, because of different experiences, opinions, etc. regarding romance and sex.

It seems to me like the problem stems from 2 misconceptions. First, that aro means aroace, and second, that aroace is an ace microlabel. Now, for some people, either or both may be true. But that isn't universal, and it is wrong to treat it as such.

A few months ago. I'm a teen as well.

Hi!

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I know now that I've never had a crush, but in the past my brain decided that if I thought a boy was a decent human being then it was a crush.

I avoid most romantic things if I can, but personally see romcoms as criticisms of romantic love so I enjoy a select few of those.

The closest thing to butterflies I've felt was deep existential dread when being asked out. Maybe that counts?

I never had a celebrity crush, but also am fairly clueless about pop culture so I can't speak on those. 

Flirting is very much not my thing. I also am scared someone will misinterpret me being a semi-decent human for flirting.

As for the last point, I also assumed that I would end up with somebody. However, I know now that that is from amatonormativity, the assumption that everyone is striving for a monogamous, sexual, romantic relationship. In all my fantasies about the future, I never had a romantic relationship. That didn't stop me from thinking that I would.

I can't tell you that you're aro, that is something you have to figure out for yourself. But I can tell you that if that label is helpful and works for you now, use it. If something changes, you can change or disregard the label. Also if you feel most comfortable without one, you don't have to use a label at all.

I hope this helps, and welcome to Arocalypse!

I can deal with it when it adds substance to characters without taking over the plot like in

But with that exception, I am increasingly frustrated with romantic plotlines. I could not care less about the color of the love interests eyes, especially when the main character is in the middle of fighting an evil tyrant for example.

I mean, I definitely didn't with the exception of deciding that if someone wanted me to change my last name, I just wouldn't marry them...

I don't even consider other people's weddings, including my parents. The one time I thought about that was when we found their album. 

Toph from Avatar the Last Airbender is aroace. I maintain that her "crush" on Sokka was just because he was the first boy she had ever been close to so didn't realize it was just platonic.

Personally, I like the friends of a few years --> romantic partners process the best. That just seems the most logical, because it is the least likely to have any surprises and ensuing crisis's, plus you have an established relationship to preserve in case the romantic one doesn't work out.

For me, it depends on what I am doing, and the people I am around.

For people I am closer to, I tend to laugh such comments off, and/or turn them around on the speaker. I kind of leaned into my "strangeness" around my friends, so I know those comments are made affectionally and in jest.

For people I don't know as well, those comments piss me off. I will proceed to do everything in my power to continue to do the behavior, especially if it is annoying. But privately, I will worry about it, and it will bother me for a while (as in my brain will bring it up years later).

Prop

Just a place to rant about specific fictional romances. If it contains spoilers, just use the tag.

For example, in "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" by Phillip K. Dick, 

About 3 chapters could have been taken out (the book is less than 200 pages), and no one would have noticed because it is so unimportant, but forced in there for some reason. I just wanted some good sci-fi and action.

46 minutes ago, DeltaV said:

Also Recursion by Blake Crouch?

Reminds me of the unbearable Padme romance. Anakin is a mass-murderer too. Maybe his "not completely deranged" motive is enough excuse?

So when it happens in Star Wars nothing is "mainstream" enough to not contain such stuff – it seems there's a romance equivalent of Poe's law:

Without a clear indication of the author's intent, it is difficult or impossible to tell the difference between an sincere portrayal of romance and a parody of romance.

Ok, ok, one has to make it very, very, VERY obvious for the audience to not take it seriously. Probably there are people out there who even think that the "Sword of Avowal" is "sooooo romantic". ?

Honestly, that is kinda scary that people see romcoms and are like "that is a perfect relationship!" Ummmm, no. Its intended to be nonsensical (which is why I can enjoy milder romcoms).

Also, before my most recent post, I went on a rant about the unnecessary romance in Recursion. 

Just, people doing awful stuff "in the name of love" is 1) a horrible excuse and 2) the most boring possible character motivation

I am a pianist, but funnily enough, my favorite period of music to play is Romantic, closely followed by Baroque.

I am playing Clair de Lune right now, and my setting that I use to summon the "right" feeling was just the moon (and an empty recital space). But recently my teacher asked me to do research into the motivation behind the song, and every single article was speculating if it was about romance. With no evidence besides "the moon is romantic." I just wanted to find Debussey's process, not that nonsense.

False! (I hate cheesecake and am allegic to raspberries)

TPBM is/was a paleontologist

Hm... I'd say there was an apocalyptic event that wiped out all life on earth. After which, an extraterrestrial being placed a glass of pure water on the surface. However, the atmosphere is now toxic, and after a series of chemical reactions, the water and the cup become parts of a combustable material. It then spontaneously combusts.

4 hours ago, DeltaV said:

On 11/8/2020 at 11:23 PM, Neon Green Packing Peanut said:

It is unhealthy, but still happens

I like that one, if it's absurd enough. Romance is where I have a strong tendency for black humor. In the Overlord light novels (an isekai story) there's one human adventurer who falls in love with the humanoid looking non-human Narberal, who despises humans and can barely disguise her hatred to not ruin her stealth missions. She rejects him with utter scorn and threats of a violent death but he still keeps going on flirting with her

In the book I am reading right now, the guy: commited genocide, ethnic cleansing, enslaved her people, burned her city down(killing millions in the process), murdered her family, nearly killed her multiple times, lied to and manipulated her, and stalked her. Yet he is still somehow the love interest and all of that was excusable because he thought she was dead and was really sad. And now that it is 18 years later, and she is alive, he is now a good guy.

It is so uncomfortable. And it is sad because the rest of the book is so good. The story is fascinating. I could just do without the clearly horrible pairing. I am personally hoping he dies.