Neon

I agree with @allhailtheglowcloud. Only you can really figure it out, as only you are inside your brain.

But I resonate with a lot of your experiences and I'm aroace. Similar to you, all of the people I thought I had crushes on were really just me wanting to be friends.

In terms of figuring yourself out, I have some advice.

• Talk about it. No good ever comes from stewing in your head. You'll end up miserable and overthinking everything. You can talk online anonymously like this, or with people you trust in real life.
• Read/watch stuff about it. Ash Hardell's videos on asexuality and aromanticism were very helpful for me. So were reading other people talking about how they realized they were aromantic and/or asexual (avoid other people questioning though).
• Write stuff down. Inevitably, you will probably get in your head a little. But if you write down your thoughts, you can refer back to them and snap out of it. For example, when I was questioning, I realized the feeling I attributed to romantic attraction was really just "I like this thing," and it happened from looking at a picture of a mandala. Having that written down to refer back to was an automatic defeat of any self doubt while I was questioning.
• Just try out the label. It's not a commitment, and you aren't hurting anybody by doing so. Try it on, see how it feels.

As for how you can come to terms with everything, what'll really do it is time. But as that's going on, I suggest finding spaces on the internet (and irl if you can) that affirm and uplift aromantic and asexual people, and avoid (for now) spaces that are more for venting.

Overall, you seem on the right track for figuring everything out. Give yourself grace and time. I believe in you!

14 hours ago, Lovebird said:

Failed all of the above lmao.

I would draw another smiley face, but the last one was way bigger than I thought it would be so you just get one in spirit.

11 hours ago, MondoBilby said:

Awww man, I would’ve still gotten that gold star if the first two points about QPRs weren’t there 😔 So close

2 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

Welp, I've been kicked out. I have never had and have never wanted a qpr.

I will get my revenge. I will start interpreting the most random nonsense as romantic in other people, and get you all kicked out.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I have done it. Join me in (for me, self imposed lmao) exclusion!!!

3 hours ago, MondoBilby said:

Wow, I’m the most stereotypical aro there is! I get one big shiny gold star to boast to everyone 🫵😎⭐️

( Jokes aside, I’m glad most people don’t take this seriously, everyone is equally valid :3 )

 

I'm taking this as a challenge. I will exclude everyone on this site from the aromantic community. There's not enough space for all of us in this 100% definitely physical space (I have already been kicked out).

• Must have or want a QPR
• Cannot have or a QPR with multiple people at the same time
• Must have never been asked out
• Must be the go-to person in your friend group for romantic advice
• Must hate all romance in media
• Must not have ever done anything that can be interpreted as romantic

10 minutes ago, MaxIsCosmic said:

I’m Demi-ro so looks like I’m getting a smiley face drawn on paper 

4 hours ago, Picklethewickle said:

Dammit, I almost won that gold star. I'm aplatonic. Can I get me a slightly tarnished gold star sticker? A sticker with a couple of the points a little bit crumpled?

You can have a sliver star

People missing 2 get a green star

People missing 3 get a blue star

People missing 4 get a red star

Everyone else just gets a smiley face drawn on the paper.

20 hours ago, Mult said:

There's similar issues in the Asexual community. Strangely some people act like experiencing no attraction at all is either not possible or somehow offensive to those who experience some attraction. I've been told by certain people in the Ace community that I shouldn't say that I will never fall in love because I'm "not a fortune teller". They act like we have to be open to being in a relationship because some people realize they actually do experience attraction later in life and they say that I have to avoid saying "never" or else I'll be "embarrassed" in the future. I have to wonder why they feel like that's their business.

Yeah, ngl, I do not feel safe in a lot of asexual spaces. They can get really hostile to aro people really quickly. I've ended up just avoiding internet places that are primarily focused on asexuality as a result.

These are really goofy strawmen of real exclusionist arguments I've seen.

• Must not feel any kind of romantic attraction
• Cannot have dated anyone in the past, or even wanted to date someone
• Cannot have even thought they had a crush
• Cannot be aplatonic, afamiliar, loveless, or similar
• Must be romance repulsed
• Must not have sex, even if they aren't asexual

Those are all the ones I can think of at the moment.

(Also the term "gold star asexual" references "gold star lesbian" which was really used for exclusion, and it meant "lesbian who has never slept with a man")

On 4/18/2024 at 5:28 PM, P4R4D0X said:

Great term! Although, I think people have already tried making it less of a 'scale' with loveless aro (loveless also makes it more intuitive), but this one I find quite interesting (in a good way).

I think (could be wrong) that @nonmerci means no romantic attraction with zeromantic, not no feeling of any kind of love/not feeling connected to love.

8 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Thank you.

They don't prefer words like "fully aromantic" etc as your post is automatically removed if you use it.

I think it is a case of people knowing something is problematic but not understanding why. There are people who want to aromantic to only mean "no attraction", and I guess they put everybody who says "it would be nice to have a word to say we feel no attraction at all" in the same box, without thinking. It is counterproductive, if you ask me. But I guess it will make me spend more time on arocalypse, it's been a while since I came here. I don't even recognize people ha ha.

The silly thing is is that "zeromantic" fixes both issues. It takes away the weirdness of "fully/vanilla/etc" aromantic AND makes it clear that aromantic =/= no attraction bc there's a different term for it.

But hey. That's reddit for you...

Aromantic just means little to no romantic attraction. It has nothing to do with interest in romance, whether that's fictional, or in real life.

I'm picky about romance personally, but I can absolutely enjoy it, and I'm certainly still aromantic!

I'm sorry, but the thing you want to do is the only option that will lead to you being in a QPR with them.

You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with them about what you want.

Plan out what you are going to say before hand. Even write it down and bring the paper with you to reference. But have that conversation.

I love this. And, added bonus, it's pronounced "zee-romantic", and Z is the last letter in the English alphabet, so for a lot of people, it's literally an end of the spectrum.

Most of my music taste is explicitly romantic. I'm still aro. It's about attraction, not actions.

You have a conversation with her. You clearly lay out your feelings and wants and let her decide if that's something she wants as well. There's nothing you can do but talk it out.

Romance Is Boring - Los Campesinos

The Record Player Song - Daisy the Great

Girlfriend is Better - Talking Heads

Birthday Baby - Tori Amos

Universal Experience - The Klittens

I read the word and immediately went "that's me!"........then proceeded to try to ignore it for months before ultimately accepting myself lol

The idea that biological male and female humans have "different brains" is pseudoscience.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/03/210325115316.htm

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-00677-x

As for aromanticism and asexuality, could there be some general cause? Sure. But there's no reason to suspect that.

I was reading a fanfiction my sibling recommended, and the word was in there. I saw it and knew immediately that it was me. I didn't admit that to myself until months later though.

The doubt goes away with time. You have to consider the doubts, and go through why you know they are wrong. Eventually, they'll slow down, and when they do show up, they won't make an impact.

I would suggest writing down somewhere all the reasons you know you're aro. That way when the doubts say the same thing they said 2 months ago, you already have exactly why they were wrong and continue to be wrong.

Also, remember, labels and identity are fluid. You don't need to fit a dictionary definition to find meaning in the aromantic label and use it.

The "little" part just refers to the whole rest of the spectrum. You can see a non-exhaustive list here. So yeah, if someone felt romantic attraction rarely, they could absolutely refer to themself as "aromantic" and be entirely correct.

Overall, if the "aromantic" label helps you define yourself, then use it. The definition is better used as a guide than a rule.

37 minutes ago, Lei said:

I'm not sure if anyone else said this yet, but I feel like my asexuality and my aromanticism are so separated that I tend to "favor" my aro identity over my ace one. Like, obviously I can't imagine having sexual attraction and all, but I feel like being aro has impacted me more. Like, if I were just ace, everyone'll be like "Oh thats cool but you still have crushes right??" but then if I say I'm aro they'll be like "Oh...so you just...don't get crushes??" Cue awkward stammering and trying not to offend me but failing miserably. My asexuality hasn't really made me feel ostracized from everyone else, yk? Since I'm young and most of my peers aren't that worried about sex (can't say the same about sex jokes though). But everyone talks about romance and dating and I'm just here like "guys...aro here...ask me about my aro experiences pls i'm desperate..."

Also I really like the word "ace" and saying "Oh yeah I'm ace" just sounds so cool.

While my identities aren't entirely separate, they are very distinct and I absolutely favor my aro one over my ace one.

Not feeling romantic attraction is just more impactful and relevant to how I live my life than not feeling sexual attraction.

And yet almost everyone I'm out to irl describes me as "asexual" without even mentioning that I'm aromantic too.

1 hour ago, Ekaterina said:

I'm not in school and I'm not sure what GSA is (not a native English speaker). 

GSA = Gay-Straight Alliance. It's essentially just an after-school club for gay people. Many have started moving away from that acronym though.

I don't have a good suggestion if you aren't in school because that's where I help out lol. Maybe a local queer organization is taking volunteers though?

13 hours ago, Ekaterina said:

What kind of things are supposed to be done as part of the event? Since I'm new to the community. I can reblog awareness and acceptance-themed things on Tumblr, but not sure what to contribute here on the forum? Since we are an aro forum, we already have awareness and acceptance, so I guess I'll just try to be sending emotional support? 

If you are still in school and you have a GSA or similar, you can talk about hosting an info session through them. It's probably too late to do so this year, but there's always next year.

For aro vibes specifically:

Romance is Boring - Los Campesinos!

The Record Player Song - Daisy the Great

Girlfriend is Better - Talking Heads

For general songs about friendship instead of romance:

Don't Go Away - The Beths

Happy New Year - Let's Eat Grandma

Two Ribbons - Let's Eat Grandma

Brooklyn - Katie Malco

First off, yeah, they were rude. And, yes, your initial response, "that's not funny" was very good. You didn't overreact at all.

That being said, your expression of being upset should have ended after the initial conversation. Giving her the cold shoulder all night for an issue you've already resolved is also rude (though not on the same level imo), and just creates a new problem. If you couldn't not do that, which is fair, you should have excused yourself with something along the lines of "I'm not mad anymore, but I need some time to cool down".

On 9/18/2020 at 11:51 AM, Neon said:

Ha ha, yeah. I have only recently come to realize that people in relationships weren't just in them to fit in.

I just got a notification for this comment and holy crap it's fascinating how much my outlook on relationships has changed. Back then I was terrified to admit I was aroace to myself.

Now I think I've really grown into myself and my identity. I can talk about relationships far more positively and with more nuance than I could when I hadn't yet accepted myself.

I have a giant aro flag above my bed