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Posts posted by Queasy_Attention

  1. Ah, I feel this way too-- I felt it a lot when I was first questioning myself a few months ago. 

    I think the main part of it is that I like having a word to describe a part of myself that I've previously felt shame or confusion for. I felt the same way about my bisexual label, or my bipolar 2 label. Having a solid name for something meant that it was legitimate, that I had tangible proof other people would understand my experiences, and gave me a solid justification for the way I felt and acted in my past beyond "well, I guess I'm just a stupid crazy person." 

    This feels very similar. Being aro has affected the way I act and feel in quite a few ways, and being able to find a word and a community that describes those feelings and actions feels really good. It felt empowering to look back at the way my past relationships went and say hey, maybe there's a reason that I didn't feel the way I thought I was supposed to feel. It felt exciting to look back at the books and shows and stories I'd read, watch, and write, and say hey, maybe there's a reason that I like these specific tropes and write these characters this way. I read about many other people's experiences and their stories resonated with me. I connected with them in a way that I've never been able to connect with anyone else before. All those feelings really make me want to be Aromantic and fit within that label-- even if I might not be 100% black-and-white "aromantic."

    I'm young, I'm only 23, so for all I know I could experience romantic attraction sometime within my life. I'm still trying to come to terms with that, because I really do love being aro and participating within this community. But reality is going to be whatever it's going to be, and if I'm not quite aro then I'm not quite aro. But for now, "Bi AroAllo" seems to fit me better than anything else, so for now I'm keeping it!

    Hopefully some of this helped you, and I wish you the best of luck in finding your truth :)

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  2. Huh, I haven't really thought about this before. I've had a strange personal history with friendships, though. Long story short, when I was younger I had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends because of some unchecked mental stuff. Even now that I'm older and I have good friends and I have some solid skills and coping mechanisms for those mental problems, I still have a skewed perspective when it comes to forming relationships (with a lowercase 'r') with other people. I tend to get nervous that they'll think I'm weird, or too much, or annoying, or I'll worry that they'll find another friend and like them more than me, and cut me out. It basically boils down to really strong and partially unhealthy platonic attraction. I've been working on it pretty heavily, and by now I'm in a place where I can be honest about my worries, both with myself and with the people to whom those worries apply. It's helped a lot. 

    I definitely do share the excitement-high whenever a friend tells me they love me or that they like to be around me! It's funny, because usually I have no problem telling my friends and even my acquaintances that I love them, because it makes me feel good! But I do have one friend who's close to me, and I had a frank talk with her about how I don't want a relationship but I really valued her as a friend, and we ended up agreeing on a FWB relationship that's going pretty well. I struggle to tell her I love her, not because it's not true, but because I'm worried it might give off signals that I don't wanna give off. (Even though, yes, I've had MULTIPLE conversations telling her what's up, lol.) So that's a little annoying, I guess.

    I think I'm lucky right now because both of my close friends aren't in relationships, and as far as I can tell they're not looking for them anytime soon. That gives me some comfort. I'd hope that if they got into relationships, that would just mean that we got another friend into the circle! (I'm optimistic, sue me)

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  3. I feel the same. I'm on again, off again whenever I think about QPRs. I also really like the fact that I'm aro (now that I actually know that about myself), and I love thinking about how I don't have to tie myself to anyone, or combine my life with someone else's. That being said, I don't want to be completely alone either. It's a strange state of mind-- I want good friends, and I think maybe ideally I'd like someone who was a little more than a friend, maybe someone who understood my relationship to relationships and accepted that. I'm aroallo so really the dream would be to find someone down for a FWB-but-still-like-really-good-friends relationship? I feel you on the not wanting commitment, though, and I'd really hate to label any sort of relationship... 

    Shit's confusing, I'll drink to that :Yespapo:

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  4. Heya! I'm an aroallo and I've never had much of a problem identifying my sexual attraction for what it was. I might have a weirdly specific list of things that trigger it, but I definitely know it's there and it works just fine. There's a difference between having an active sex drive/libido and experiencing sexual attraction, though-- there are plenty of aces who have active libidos, but don't feel sexual attraction towards others. That's completely valid-- and so is having no sex drive at all, or even experiencing something in-between. 

    To touch on your points a little:

    - Finding someone "hot" doesn't always mean I feel sexual attraction. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It might even be the same person, but depending on the day or on my mood or on my cycle, I might feel sexual attraction towards someone when I see them and I might not. It's a little finickey, lol. 

    - I've definitely experienced the want to sleep with someone-- and that again is a little on a spectrum. Sometimes I just like to fantasize about it without actually wanting it in real life, and sometimes I actually do want that experience and wish I could have it. Both, to me, fall under the label of "experiencing sexual attraction."

    - I was curious, so I did try one of those ace quizzes online. It seemed pretty... un-scientific and a little biased with limited options, but nonetheless it definitely labeled me as an allosexual, which is accurate. I don't think I'd use this as a baseline for your identity, but it's a good piece to add to the puzzle.

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  5. Ayyy welcome to the club Ghosty! I'm right there with you on so many points-- confusing platonic/sensual/physical attraction with romantic attraction, having some nasty breakups/loss of friends as a result, wanting to be around other people who Get It, and also liking romance in media! Hope to see you around the forums :)

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  6. I love coming home after a trip out somewhere. Going away for a week, a couple days, a few hours-- coming home is always the best part. Even if I'm out with friends and I have a great time, it's so nice to close the front door to my house and just rip a giant fart without hesitation.

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  7. My first boyfriend was a guy from my work that I thought was both cool and hot (I later learned he was only one of those things.) We kept our relationship mostly under wraps, but a few other coworkers knew and we'd gossip about it all the time. One time, one of them asked me "so do you see yourself marrying him?" and I went "Oh GOD no, no, never" without thinking. It took her completely by surprise, lol

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    • Haha 2

  8. Hiya! I totally relate to not wanting to label too quickly, I felt the same way when I was 16 and figuring out I was bi. Best of luck to you, and remember you can always use the grey-aro (greyro) label if you wanna say "I'm some kind of not-typical romantic" without knowing all the details yet :) Hope to see you around the site!

  9. I fluctuate how I feel about romance, both in real life and in media. Sometimes I like rereading my favorite romance novels and looking up fanfiction for some queerbaited couple in the latest TV show. Sometimes I think about doing stereotypically romantic things for my friends or people I think are attractive. 

    And sometimes I can't stand reading about couples, or seeing people hold hands and kiss, or thinking about doing any of that for myself. 

    Sometimes it's even a mix of both. The consistent through-line is that I don't want a traditional romantic relationship, and I never have, no matter how much I told myself I did.

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  10. My first aro HC (though I wasn't super aware of it at the time) was Merlin from Kingsman! I shipped Hartwin really badly and loved having Merlin as their best friend who was also aro. He was the shoulder to cry on, and the comforting mattress with no springs attached (ayyyyyy geddit). Aro Merlin will always have a place in my heart.


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  11. @Whistle Thank you for the extremely detailed reply, it was a wonderful read! The bit about having something that feels stronger than most other friendships rings pretty true for me. I've experienced this several times by now.

    I feel platonic attraction very intensely-- I have a slightly abnormal perspective and reaction to making friends; it's always been really hard for me to connect with other people because as a young kid I didn't know how to identify or control my mental struggles, so even now as an adult I'm very intimidated by others and finding friends is a challenge-- which means when I do find friends I get very excited and nervous. That manifests itself in very romantic-crush-stereotypical impulses and behaviors, which makes it kind of a challenge to figure out whether or not I actually feel romantic attraction at the time.

    But I do feel that Close and Important feeling with a few select friends that I don't feel with others. I've been struggling with how to define it, because when I look at it objectively it seems like a combination of strong platonic and strong physical attraction-- and then in real-time it feels like something else that I just don't feel around other people. It's definitely not the desire for a romantic relationship in any capacity, though, and I can at least be confident about that. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I might just not know what it is and that's fine-- it's still just a little frustrating and confusing to feel these conflicting things, like having indescribable feelings around someone and also a strong averse reaction to the idea of an actual relationship with them (or anyone, for that matter.) 

    Your last paragraph really hit, and that's the headspace I aspire to find. I want to make peace with myself and find a balance between the things I know for sure and the things I might never know. Thank you again for your response!!

    @JustVibin' Ooh this sounds like what I went through when I was figuring out I was bi. It was exactly what you're describing, building up evidence and checking in with myself to see if the label still seemed like the right one. After about a year of it still fitting I decided to keep it and now that's what I tell people I am. I wanted to use that same process for my aromantic identity, but it's a little harder. The evidence itself is a little more nebulous and undefined than straight-up sexuality. Romantic attraction is so hard to describe, which makes it really hard to figure out if you don't feel it (or if you're grey or some other label that boils down to "well yes, but actually no".) I think it still works, it's just taking a lot more effort to dig through the details than my sexuality did. 

    Thank you for your reply!

    @nonmerci Thank you for the response! I had a slightly different experience; I never wanted a wedding and I figured out pretty quickly that the traditional romantic ideals that most others subscribe to weren't really for me. That's been pretty consistent, and I'm really confident that I don't want a relationship and more than likely never have-- and to that extent, finding the aro community has been really cool and helpful because I don't know many other people in real life who share my aversion to relationships. It's been wonderful to see others who also throw out the societal norms surrounding relationships-- even within the queer community, celebrating LGBT relationships, it's mostly about relationships. I can't always relate to that. But here, I can relate to a lot more people who share the same impulses and experiences that I do! 

    I just struggle with wondering if I feel romantic attraction or not. I don't believe I do-- though there are times when I feel something for people that I don't always know how to define. I'm pretty sure it's platonic and physical attraction- but in the moment it feels like I have a real honest-to-god crush. 

    You hit the nail on the head with the last bit- I do feel that fear. I'm also kind of ashamed of it. I don't want to look down on anyone for finding a label (however hyper-specific) if it makes them feel more comfortable with themselves, or helps them find a community of like-minded people. I also don't want to label myself that specifically. Those two facts butt heads a little. 

  12. After years of experience I can now ride the bi-cycle ("I'm definitely bi", "wait no maybe I'm totally gay", "wait no actually am I just straight and pretending?", "shit no definitely still bi", etc etc) with ease. But I think I need training wheels for the aro equivalent, jeez. I'm falling off and scraping my knees over here. Being an aroallo with a nice side of mental illness makes for a rough learning curve... 

    I keep questioning my feelings and wondering if I'm just convincing myself I'm aro because I think it sounds cool or I want another identity-- because I do experience a lot of emotions and impulses that could easily be mistaken for romantic attraction. The good news is that if I take the time to meditate on it and figure out how I feel and what I really want, I come up with the same answers: I feel very strong physical and platonic attraction for people, and those both manifest in certain ways because of my past experiences and relationships-- and no, I don't want a romantic relationship. The bad news is that I have to meditate on it every time it comes up (at least for now-- it's only been about three months since I seriously investigated the possibility I was aromantic.) I want to trust myself, I want to be able to just trust that whatever I feel is some combination of emotions and attractions that have nothing to do with romantic intent, but I'm not yet in the place to do that. I still have to investigate and analyze all my feelings to stop from second guessing myself and worrying that I'm lying to myself, etc etc etc. 

    I guess this is kind of just a vent, but I'm curious to hear stories from people who have been confident with their identities for a long time, particularly people my age (23) or older. What's it like to know you're aro and have that as a consistent through-line in your life? Did you go through long periods of doubt? Do you still doubt yourself? How do you work through that? 

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  13. Aaaah hi! I relate to so much of this stuff! I'm 23 and just figured some things out two months ago, I think I'm still in the "calling myself grey aro for safety" phase lol! Nice to meet you, glad to hear you're in a better place now :)

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  14. What's up!!! Nice to meetcha! I feel you hard on the "figuring out my mental health stuff made me fine with not being in a relationship" thing

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  15. I wish there was a forum for exclusively adult users? I'm all for inclusivity and making safe spaces for minors or people who are just uncomfortable with NSFW content-- and I also wish there was a place to post about whatever, without worrying about upsetting an underage audience. Maybe a room with a blanket warning that whatever people post or talk about in that room might be NSFW/potentially upsetting/generally adult content? An aroallo forum within that where users can reference NSFW topics? 

  16. I'm bi and super open about it, which contrasts a lot with how I feel about my aroallo identity. It feels less like an orientation and more like a specific label that applies to a strong part of my personality that I'm only now beginning to understand-- not to say that's a universal truth for everyone, that's just how it feels personally! I don't feel the desire to openly tell people about my personal view on relationships and romantic attraction. 

    I'm honestly dealing with this right now. I have a tentative thing going on with a girl at my work. We've both agreed that we weren't in a good place for an actual relationship right now (when we did, I hadn't yet realized I was aro), but we're still open to a physical relationship (in theory-- thanks, covid) and we flirt a lot at work. So, naturally, my other coworkers tease me about it. I'm fine with that-- but one of them, though he's super sweet, keeps asking me what the deal is with us. I told him we're not in a relationship and not going to be, and he asked me why. I ended up just telling him "I don't want to," which worked pretty well. In terms of outside people who aren't in any sort of close relationship with me, no, I don't think I'd come out to them unprompted, maybe even if they asked me about it.

    However, I'm thinking about telling the girl from my work-- because if she has feelings for me, then it wouldn't be fair to enter into any kind of relationship without being honest with her about how I feel. I think it's just a case-by-case basis. 

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  17. On 4/6/2016 at 7:07 PM, DeMorgan said:

    Romantic attraction is an emotional response that results in a desire for a romantic relationship with others.

    Hey I'm super new to this party but honestly-- I've toiled and hemmed and hawwed over what romantic attraction is supposed to be, since literally no one can give me a solid definition (as opposed to sexual attraction, which is pretty easily described and physically experienced) but, like, honestly? This is a pretty solid definition. I've felt a lot of things for people, and they've been really confusing feelings because they fit the standards for romantic attraction. I like people a lot, I tend to worship people if I think they're cool, I get nervous around people I like, I find people attractive and get giggly when I do, I give people I like gifts, I go out of my way to spend time with them or help them out, and I spend time alone thinking about them if I like them or think they're attractive--

    And none of those feelings or impulses are the result or or result in a desire for a romantic relationship with someone. That's the bottom line, and that's helped me out a lot when trying to figure out my identity. 

    I'm sorry, I know this is more of a personal comment than a constructive one in terms of pinning down a definition like the rest of yall, but I just wanted to chip in my two cents. 

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