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Posts posted by Queasy_Attention

  1. Oh man, that's a hard one. I've felt the same impulse, honestly! I kind of want to tell my two exes that I found out I was aro, but I don't know if it's a good idea (in my case, anyway.) The first relationship ended years ago and we're not really on speaking terms, plus I don't really care what he thinks about me- so I don't feel a particular desire to start opening up to him about this private detail that only, like, 3 other people know about. The other one... we dated for a year, and I was really into them. But I've only now realized that I was feeling really intense platonic attraction. Our relationship felt really special because making friends has always been hard for me. We're also not on speaking terms, and they live halfway across the country, so... I have other, more important people with whom I want to share my identity. Those people are out of my life now, and I'm ok with that. I think I'm just gonna try to be true to myself from this point onward.

    I also love romance in media! There's tons of other stuff I love reading about that I don't like in real life. I love the character trope of "asshole on the outside but heart of gold on the inside" with a dash of "only character flaw is that he hates himself", but those people are GODAWFUL irl. I like scifi but I would NEVER go to space. I love regency stuff but I'd never want to live in that time period. And I love me some well written romance, though I don't want a relationship for myself. It's all good!!

    Anyway, welcome to the forum!! Hope to catch you around :)

  2. 4 hours ago, nonmerci said:

    But to take the example of @Queasy_Attention with colors, there is yellow, green, blue, etc, on a spectrum. And there is a lot of different blue. Some are even close to green. But at the end of the day, they still share some thing in common : they are all blue. That's the same things with allo people. They may be all different, not feel attraction in the same way, and that's ok because we never say they did. It doesn't change the fact that they are all allo in the end.

    I think this is really interesting! It's like a spectrum between being totally aro or totally allo- if you fall somewhere on the spectrum, then you're free to describe yourself as part of either category. I just think colloquially, "not allo" identities (aka greyromantic, frayromantic, cupioromantic, demiromantic, aromantic, etc) are collected together because the fact that they are not the "norm" (alloromantic) is significant in a society that doesn't enthusiastically acknowledge the existence of anything but the norm.

    But that's just the way I've understood it! Of course individuals are free to identify themselves in whatever way makes them the most comfortable!

    • Like 2

  3. 1 hour ago, El011 said:

    What is 100% allo? And how are most people expected to feel that way?

    I don't know if it needs to be said, but obviously I don't agree that one way of experiencing romantic/sexual attraction is "correct."

    "100% allo" in my eyes would be the societally "acceptable way" of experiencing attraction, as in completely. As in, the way nearly all (American, at least) media depicts attraction. Romantic attraction is widely considered an inherent human trait, we are all "expected" to feel it, etc etc. Asexuality is becoming more of a mainstream idea, but there is still an underlying societal assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction. Obviously, both of these attractions are felt on a spectrum, and labeling one side of the spectrum as "normal" is not a helpful way of looking at things-- and it is also the way that the world looks at things. "Normal" (or, until very recently, "correct") means allosexual/alloromantic.

    You can see how most people are expected to feel that way by pretty much every step of the way. Baby onesies say things like "watch out, I'm already breaking hearts" or "hey baby, your crib or mine?" Books written for preteens and teens often throw in romantic subplots because they believe it to be an excellent marketing tool for their demographic. So, so, so many books/movies/shows that are written about high-schoolers practically revolve around relationships and/or sex. Questions like "when are you going to find a boyfriend", "when do you want to get married", and "who do you like"  are constantly prevalent from the moment you emerge from puberty. The entire concept of virginity! Society is built to support an allosexual, alloromantic world.

    Being allosexual or alloromantic is obviously not a bad thing. But the narrative that the "norm" is to be so can be hurtful. I'm allosexual and I can still understand that it's a very sex-centered world. I feel for my ace friends; it can't be easy to realize that you don't relate to what feels like a central part of the human experience. It's similar to realize you're aromantic.

    • Like 4

  4. Well the "norm" is being 100% allo. I'd say that If you don't experience sexual attraction or romantic attraction in the same way that most people are expected to (aka "normally", aka completely), then you are different from that normal and therefore belong in a different category: namely, under the asexual or aromantic umbrellas.

    ^Obviously "normal" doesn't exist and everything's a spectrum etc etc etc, but the way I see it is like, I dunno, a color spectrum. If the whole world was "supposed to be" blue, and some people were green or shades of teal, you would categorize the green and teal people together as "different from blue", since blue is the cultural norm and green and teal are both deviations from that norm. Green and teal are obviously different from one another, but the more important distinction is that they are both "not blue". 

    • Like 2

  5. On 10/18/2020 at 8:03 PM, roboticanary said:

    (honestly if i was honest i would just list every Pratchett book and let this comment stretch for miles)

    I've been trying to get into Pratchett, but I have no idea where to start-- it seems like all his books are sort of one-off stories set in the same universe. Which of his books do you think could serve as a good intro to that universe?

  6. On 11/24/2020 at 4:37 AM, birbsRus said:

    I’m a pretty big shipper, and I love romance! (Or at least, the idea of it?) I find it incredibly sweet - the thought of finding someone that complements you, having a partner you can rely on and care for (and vice versa). Domestic romance fiction? Yummmm. Slow burn passionate enemies/friends to lovers?? Yessssss!! It’s all just. Great. Although this usually just applies to fanfiction; sometimes when a tv show wastes ages on a romance subplot I get annoyed because I feel like it’s unnecessary and forced when they could be happily friends without all this drama?? 

    Yep yep yep! All of this, yep! I've been shipping for years, I love sappy romance novels, I love recycled fanfic tropes. And I also feel you so hard on TV romance subplots, god, they're so boring!! Just make these characters friends!! I think for a relationship to work for me, it has to appeal to the types of attraction that I do experience: sexual and platonic. If the platonic attraction is interesting (they have an unlikely friendship, they fit really well together-- or they don't fit really well together and it's intentional) and/or the sexual attraction is interesting (the characters have chemistry, or sexuality is a prominent plot point (aka forbidden gays) then I'm all for it! Otherwise it falls a bit flat for me. 

    On 11/24/2020 at 4:37 AM, birbsRus said:

    But at the same time I love the idea of having a partner that I can just. vibe with??? I don’t care about having some ~romantic spark~, I just want someone I can watch tv series on the couch with and cuddle, ramble about our interests together, talk about actual feelings with??!?

    Aaaah yes!! Give me a good snuggle buddy!! IMO, casual platonic touching and intimate conversations should be much more mainstream with platonic friendships, but especially in America those things are pretty much exclusively tied to romantic relationships or non-platonic/sexual relationships. I think it's perfectly natural for people to want these things, and I also think that the desire for physical touch and intimacy is not always inherently romantic. 

    On 11/24/2020 at 4:37 AM, birbsRus said:

    a lotttt of aros seem to not like physical affection, or they cannot understand (or enjoy) romance at all, they hate PDA, they don’t notice romantic tension, etc., and it’s all just the complete opposite of me

    Tbh it's a mixed bag for me. I love physical affection (I'm not ace, and my sexual identity has nothing to do with my romantic identity lol). And while I don't "get" romance, I still enjoy it a lot in my media-- though my tastes are perhaps a bit more picky than other people's. I notice romantic tension... sometimes? I'm pretty bad at it- but I honestly don't attribute that to my aromanticism, I think that's just me. Idk, I think these things are less like a checklist of rules for being aromantic, and more like a list of possible signs/symptoms. Not all aros are the same, and not all of us like/dislike the same things- just like most other groups of people. We're diverse! There are even aros who want and will willingly enter romantic relationships! (I believe the term is cupioromantic) (and sidenote, these relationships are perfectly fine and healthy if there is enough communication involved. Think of it like a sex-neutral or sex-positive ace: while they don't feel sexual attraction, they might be willing to have sex for the sake of their partner. An aro might be willing to enter a relationship with a close friend even though they don't feel true romantic attraction.) I think you could definitely still be aro- though you don't have to be, obviously. It took me a few months before I was confident enough to say I was.

    The important thing to remember is that at its core, your romantic identity is about how you, personally, experience/don't experience romantic attraction. It can affect, but is not defined by, the way you view romance in your media, the types of relationships and social activities that you want, etc etc. Being aromantic is not about hating romance, it's not about being uncomfortable by romance, and it's not always about not wanting a romantic relationship, believe it or not. It's about whether or not you experience romantic attraction. And no one else, not even the most experienced aromantic out there, is going to know exactly how you feel: only you can know that.

    It might take some time to figure out exactly what you do feel (or what you don't), so I encourage you to do some deep thinking about this stuff! What kind of a relationship do you want? What would make you comfortable? What would make you uncomfortable? When you feel attraction (whatever kind it is) towards someone, is it guided by the desire to be in a relationship? Or is it guided by the desire to be close friends, or to be sexually intimate with that person, real or fictional?

    Anyway, hope this wall of text had at least a couple points that could help you! If you're looking for any other labels, here's a good resource for you! Specifically, here is a list of identities, and here's a list of relationship terms. You might not fit any of them perfectly, but it's a good jumping off point if you're feeling stuck. And in any case, welcome to the forums!! Hope to catch you around :)

  7. 22 hours ago, Rony said:

    the very first aro character I created to my story was an allosexual aromantic man.

    Yoooo 😭😭😭 I wrote aroallo dudes all the time-- I thought I was being so clever, subverting tropes. See, see, instead of having the normal personality trait of being all nervous about sex and needing to go slow with someone they trust, I'd do it backwards-- my characters would be totally comfortable w/sex, but then the moment actual dating came up they'd get all uncomfortable and have to go slow. TURNS OUT THEYRE JUST ARO LOL WHO KNEW

  8. 40 minutes ago, Elle28 said:

    I do not find that my interest in romantic media has changed since realizing I'm aromantic. Actually, I think I find myself searching for it more because I just really enjoy the idea of it

    Interesting! I think I'm a bit the opposite. Part of why I liked reading romance before was that I couldn't quite pin down why I liked some romances better than others. When one hit, it was really exciting because it was unexpected. Now, I know what I like and what I don't, so I know how to look for it better but it doesn't surprise me anymore. 

    41 minutes ago, Elle28 said:

    Lots of reading/show watching has been done over quarantine since there really isn't anything else to do lol.

    Holy shit, cheers to that. I burned through so many old YA books the week before election week-- and during election week, too. Twilight, Percy Jackson, Beastly (which was that good kind of awful, I highly recommend it), Warriors, etc. It's a good escape, though I will say that rereading the first Hunger Games book was a little depressing.

  9. Hey all! If you, like me, find yourself in the confuddling position of being aromantic and also loving romance novels (or movies, or shows, we don't judge), this is the place for you! I invite everyone who has a favorite piece of romantic media to come here and talk bout it!

    To kick things off, I'm rereading Pride and Prejudice right now. I think what gets me about this book is that the concept of marriage is so separate from how we view marriage now. It's integral to everyone's societal statuses. Lizzie's reward in the end is a happy marriage, but it's not just the fact that she loves Darcy that makes that marriage feel like a true reward. It's also the financial stability and the fact that she has a partner who she likes and who respects her, both of which were difficult to find and not certainties. I also love that era setting where every raised eyebrow stands for, like, a four paragraph essay. I'm both desperate to live in that world and thankful that I don't.

    I also have some lower-brow books that have little to no subtext or nuance, but I still adore them. Kiera Andrews has some terrifically sappy M/M novels. I think it's the central focus of the characters' sexualities that draws me, because that's something I can relate to. Most of the time, the romance is centered half on the situational relationship between the two characters and half on the fact that they're attracted to one another in a time or place where it's forbidden. And as I can relate to both platonic and physical attraction, I vibe with her books!

    I've also read some stinkers where the relationship is cookie-cutter set up and boring, and the characters only like each other because of some mysterious force called romantic attraction. If there's no reason for it and no reason why it's interesting or creates conflict, then I'm out.

    I also tend to like romance in written books rather than live-action shows or movies. When it's too set in reality I tend to get a bit uncomfortable. That being said, I did just watch the 2005 Pride and Prejudice and man that was good. So I guess it varies!

    How about you all? What's your favorite romance book/piece of media? What do you like about it? Is there anything you can relate to? Did your enjoyment of romantic media change when you figured out you were aro? Did it not? What are some of your favorite tropes? Least favorite? What are some of your favorite books? Least favorite? What do you recommend for others with your tastes? The questions are endless, and so are the stories! Pick a book or two and feel free to hang out and talk about your favorite butterflies-in-the-stomach moments.


    • Like 2

  10. Dope! I write fanfic too, and I've written aro characters for years, since way before I even had an inkling that I was aro too. I sort of reverse-engineered the concept as a reverse alloromantic-asexual, and I kept writing characters who were comfortably allosexual and extremely romance repulsed. Didn't realize until way later that that was all projection, lol! The kicker is that most of that stuff was shipping, too! Looking back at it now, it's pretty clear that all I was writing was a good friendship + physical attraction-- again, projecting my own point of view. Welp!

    Anyway, welcome to the forum-- hope to catch you around :)

  11. Oh hey! Aroallo over here, nice to meet you! I'm going back to school in the winter (I know, great timing) for the first time in about 5 years so I can finally study piano. I'm a music nerd too! 🎵🎶🎷 I'm such an outlier at work because I absolutely adore Christmas carols, and all my coworkers hate them lol. I like that they're catchy and easy to harmonize with, sue me! 

    I also very much like baking and if you want to like swap recipes or share some hot goss about your latest bake hmu

    Anyway, I hope to catch you around the forums! This place is pretty nice and chill, I've had a great time here so far. Welcome!

    • Like 1

  12. Oh man, this has been bugging me for AGES. I've had a really hard time figuring out where I lie on the gender spectrum, mainly because a lot of people in queer internet spaces put so much stock into personal pronouns- specifically, on the hardships they face when they are not used correctly. But pronouns have never been that big of a concern for me! I'm totally fine with the fact that everyone in my life uses she/her to refer to me, since I'm afab. If they wanted to use he/him or they/them I would also be happy, but I don't need them to do that in order to feel comfortable.

    I also can't relate to the gender dysphoria that many, many genderqueer people go through. I've never really minded my own body. Again, it's a case of- well, if I had he/him parts, I'd also be happy, but I don't need them in order to feel like myself. 

    At the same time, I can tell I'm not "just" female. Consistently since childhood I've felt a pull towards masculine presentation. I've resisted dressing in traditionally feminine clothing and preferred masculine or androgynous clothes instead, particularly for formal or important occasions. I refer to myself as a guy sometimes, and it feels natural. Sometimes I imagine my body as if I were a different sex- sometimes I wish it were. I also am comfortable presenting in a feminine way sometimes. And sometimes I like both. 

    So I think I'm bigender-- or bigenderflux, if I wanted to get really specific about it. I like this label over "genderfluid" because it implies that two gender identities can exist at the same time, even if the proportions of which is more present tend to shift around. (Basically, I have some days where I feel more feminine and some days when I feel more masculine, but I don't constantly have "boy days" or "girl days" where I know for sure that I am one or the other, and being referred to as the opposite would upset me.)

    It's kind of tough. I've struggled to relate to (and honestly empathize with) a lot of my friends who are genderqueer, because I have never understood what it feels like to be misgendered. Obviously I believe when they say that being misgendered causes them pain! At the same time, I don't have a problem with any pronouns, so I have a hard time putting myself in the shoes of others who do. 

    I just feel like everyone I see has such a strong take on pronouns and dysphoria, and I haven't seen or met anyone else who feels more easygoing about it like me. It makes me doubt myself and whether I even am genderqueer, whether maybe I'm just a cis girl who just wishes she was a boy sometimes, maybe because of the way men are allowed to exist in society in ways that women aren't, or because dicks seem more fun than their female alternatives? Idk!! It's really hard to parse out all my feelings. 

    • Like 3
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