Queasy_Attention

10 hours ago, Neon Green Packing Peanut said:

As far as I know, thats the only ship I've actually liked

I feel the same! Not specifically with the Office, but with other relationships in TV/movies too. For Dwight and Angela I think it's because their personalities and their platonic relationship is actually interesting and well written. They fall into the Michael Schur "background relationship" category, of the two minor characters with really wacky personalities somehow fitting together. In the Office it's Dwight and Angela (and Kelly and Ryan), in Parks & Rec it's April and Andy (and Chris and Ann), in B99 it's a few different relationships (Gina and Boyle, Holt and Kevin, Rosa and Pimento), and in The Good Place it's the whole Jason/Tahani/Janet trio. They're all engaging to me because they're based more around their actual personalities and them finding a friend/kindred spirit rather than just specifically romance, like a lot of the main pairings. 

Ha, COVID was the reason I had time to meditate on my aromantic identity too! Silver linings, lol. I also totally relate to that feeling of looking this up and feeling a huge wave of affirmation, it's amazing. Welcome to the forum!! As you've probably seen, folks around here are pretty chill as far as I can tell Hope to see you around!

5 hours ago, roboticanary said:

fantastic, they sound really chill. 

lmfao they are the opposite of chill, but in this one specific circumstance yes they were and I appreciated it very much ❤️

Hmm, you could have a side character or a reference to an off-screen character who's ace but alloromantic? Folks seem to understand that asexual = no sex, and that loving relationships can exist without sex. And then you can have your protagonist compared to that identity, and specify that they don't want a romantic relationship at all (either by having side characters gossiping, or having your protagonist exposit it upfront.)

9 hours ago, Oatpunk said:

OOoooh, that's so nice to hear!

I had a queer coworker once who almost seemed to instinctually understand my aroness and it was such a great feeling, since I never talk about it with anyone but my closest friends. I didn't even realize how much it was wearing me down to be in the closet and deal with alloro bullshit until I felt the relief of being actually seen and validated.

Yeah! I'm not even under pressure from my family/friends/circle of folks to start dating or anything, so I didn't think of myself as really being "in the closet" about being aro. But you're right, it's such a change to be able to  talk about it with someone who just gets it.

I posted this on reddit but I wanted to share it here too! 

Like it says on the tin. I wasn't really planning on it but it came up, and I admitted to them that I don't think I feel romantic attraction to anyone. They told me something along the lines of "you're valid as fuck," which I took to be a good sign. They're very out and open about being some shade of genderqueer/non-straight/etc so I wasn't worried they'd take it badly or anything-- but still, there was a moment of worry right after I said it, and a moment of relief when they validated me.

A while ago I was happy to keep this totally to myself unless it came up in a personal situation where I'd have to explain what kind of relationships I would and wouldn't be comfortable with-- but now I realize it's... kinda nice to just talk about it. This feels like when I first realized I was bi and I found the circle of queer folks around my HS, and it was like this cool circle of people I could talk to about queer stuff without feeling out of place. It's really nice to find someone that I know I won't have to explain all of this to, even if we're not close friends. I can just say "I think I'm aromantic" and they'll be like "cool" and that's all we have to say.

On the younger side here, I'm 23. I'm really happy to have found this place-- I don't always feel comfortable in spaces specifically made for younger folks. I joined the Discord server listed on the r/aromantic subreddit a while ago and it just really wasn't for me. Most of the people there were in their teens, most weren't adults, and I ended up just leaving. I really like this forum!!

10 hours ago, dyychotomy said:

also i'll definitely be sure to check out walker's work!!

lol "Patsy Walker aka Hellcat" is the name of the comic. The Leth and Williams run is really good. (plus it's only 3 volumes so it's pretty short, the storyline is easy to understand even for folks like me who aren't really up-to-date with whatever overarching story marvel's got going on atm, the art style is wonderful, and it HAS GAYS!!!)

I get this way too, though sometimes it's inconsistent. I'm not always against romance in media, and sometimes I quite like it and I get invested in relationships. Sometimes it really rubs me the wrong way, though. I think it's when I'm not expecting it and then suddenly it's just there, and it's like, the story would have worked just fine without a relationship added into the mix, why did they have to add a relationship into the mix? For a slightly less mature example, the Lego Batman Movie has Batman fawning over Barbara, and even though they don't get together in the end it's like, what? What did this add to the story? Literally nothing. Why is it here.

And then I also devour trashy romance novels like no tomorrow lmfao. But I think I like it when the romance is the interesting part of the story. *complicated shrug*

Hi, welcome! If you're looking for other places to post, the r/aromantic sub on reddit is also pretty cool (though I like this forum more; I think it's a little mellower.) Soon-to-be-college samesies, I'm hoping to study music come this winter, though we'll see how that shakes out with COVID. And I was into comics too for a while! If you haven't checked out Patsy Walker AKA Hellcat, Mockingbird, or Squirrel Girl before I'd highly recommend them. I ended up getting rid of most of my stash but I kept those three series lol.

(also like fun fact not to toot my own horn too much but i,,,, might have worked with brianna hildebrand,,,,, before,,,,,,) (she was very nice) 

Anyway hope to catch you around the forums! Everyone here seems pretty chill!

Oh, man, what a toughie. I mean, on paper, yeah if you've told them you're a-spec and they said they were fine with that, then sure you're in the clear. But, yknow, things that work in theory don't always work in practice.

Obviously I don't know any of the details about you as a person or this other person, or the relationship between you two leading up to this point-- But, I dunno, that post-decision-worry-regret really, really hits home for me. I stayed in a few relationships after experiencing this, an exciting buildup and a genuine want to start some sort of relationship (whether that was down to platonic attraction, physical attraction, some cocktail of my mental and social stuff saying "YEAH SURE A RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE GREAT" or whatever)-- that quickly faded to "oh god why did I do this, this was a mistake" after we actually started dating. And I didn't bring it up at all, to any of my partners. And that........ led to some bridges being burned. (I'm literally just projecting my baggage onto ur situation, so like in no way am I saying this is gonna happen to u, I just mean this is the angle I'm kinda coming from.)

There's a stereotype that whenever allos ask us aros for relationship advice it always boils down to either "talk to each other" or "break up," but seriously I think you should bring this up. If it's something specifically about the relationship between you two that you're experiencing strong emotions for, then I think it kind of does concern them too (not that you have to tell them every single thought you have or tell them immediately-- just a general "hey I was excited about this and now I'm nervous and feel xyz because zxy.") Plus, if they really do care about you, I don't think they'd want you to be worried and upset in the first place.

All in all it's up to you to decide what's gonna make you feel happy, safe, and comfortable. If being in a relationship-- even as an aro-- is gonna do that, then yeah, I think it'll turn out well! And if it turns out that you realize you don't actually want this, then that's okay too. I think the most important part is being honest with yourself, first and foremost.

As for the last bit-- no, you didn't make a mistake. I look back at my past relationships and cringe because of things that I did or said, but I don't really view them as mistakes. What happened happened, and it was only ever gonna happen that way. Same thing here-- you're doing your best. I really hope things work out for u ghosty ❤️

Please, Only Needle Eighteen Yaks!

EXCESSIVE

Aah, you put it into words! I was always so uncomfortable whenever I was out with my partners-- my first relationship, I constantly felt like this whenever I was out somewhere with him, like we were on display As A Couple and I had to act right, and I had no idea what to do. My second relationship was mostly long distance, which suited me better, but whenever we met up in person I also felt that strange pressure like I was supposed to act or feel a certain way, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Bluuughhh.

Sometimes, Taking A Real Test Leads Everyone Downstream.

CABBAGE

Ha, I had a similar conversation with a coworker of mine. It was complicated a little by the fact that he knows I've been in at least two relationships. I brought up something like "I don't ever want to get married," and he clearly took this as a self-pitying statement and tried to make me feel better by saying "oh, well, I'm sure if you meet the right person," etc. And I was like "..... nah, I don't think so. I just don't want to." And he was like .....ok I guess. 

I don't really get mad at "you'll meet the right person" because while it's a little invalidating, it does come from a place of empathy and care from the other person. (In my experience, anyway. I haven't had to deal with family pushing me towards a relationship, thank goodness.)

Bipolar 2 and anxiety here! Not on meds, managing well with therapy. 

17 minutes ago, hermi1e said:

TRIBALISM!

bruuuhhh have you seen that collegehumor sketch 

I like that I value honesty, compassion, and self-respect. I'm also proud of my writing and piano chops ???

Sup, welcome. 

Hiya! Congrats on the triple major, that's rad! I'm going back to school in the winter (hopefully) after five years away. Fingers crossed it goes well. And same hat!!!! Writer!!!!

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

On the same note, when a character finally gets the job he/she always wanted but gives it up at the end of the movie, because romance is the only thing that really makes you happy.

Duuuude, fuck this trope. I will admit to loving Kate and Leopold (maybe just for the butter monologue), but the ending cheeses me every time. Sure, give up your corporate ladder job that you've worked for for YEARS, sure, throw away the now interesting professional relationship you have with your boss who hit on you but now respects you as a person, sure, go back to a time where you can't even VOTE. Hugh Jackman's good, but he's not that good, sister.

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Same. Well, not all my characters, I've got a lot of allos because I like romance... but some of the characters that are the most like me have strong aro vibes

Bruhhhh even the characters I write in romances are, like, pretty fuckin' aro. For a while I was like well ok I guess the wacky side quip characters are definitely aro, because they stay out of the way and don't want romance for themselves, but still root for their friends to get together. But then I look back at all the characters in relationships too and I'm like ohhhhh. Ohhhhhh. 

9 hours ago, nisse said:

SERIOUSLY hahahaha figuring out some big stuff about myself ALWAYS makes me look back at younger me and go oooooooh i see. 

I think that's the best part of finding this identity-- looking back and realizing OH SHIT, OH THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE

23 minutes ago, nisse said:

Pride and Prejudice (2005) is among my top 3 films.

HA P&P has to be one of my favorite books! I've never seen the film or the show before, but I've always had it on the list of "stuff I think I should probably watch because I'd like it, but I won't watch for a long time for reasons unknown until the end of time." Yknow the feeling. Uggghhh it's so gooooood, because relationships in that setting are more based around, like, political gain rather than actual attraction, and you're lucky if you wind up with someone you can actually get along with and like-- and the whole thing is all about their social relationships between one another as well as their individual relationship together, and there's misunderstandings and ugghhh it's so goooood

25 minutes ago, nisse said:

i love being by myself! not like all the time, but living alone, having my own time, not sharing my whole life with someone

god, THIS. Growing up I used to, like, lie awake and worry about how someday I'd have to sleep in the same bed as someone else and share a living space with them, and then I'd calm myself down by being like well that's not happening yet, and I've got a lot of time until it does, so I should just enjoy being alone while I still can. Jump cut to now, lol. 

I posted this on reddit yesterday and figured hey, why not post it here too? This isn't a call to action or anything, I'm was just excited about all the little discoveries about myself I've been making in the past three or four months, and I wanted to write them down somewhere. If yall have anything like this-- something that realizing you're aro brought to light-- then I'd love to hear your stories too!

• I learned why I'm really picky about what kind of romance I like to read. I like reading about couples if their platonic or physical relationships are interesting, because as an aroallo I can empathize with and relate to both platonic and physical attraction. If a couple doesn't have either of those, blup bee doo they're boring. Gimme something with enemies forced to work together, or queer historical fiction where they're not allowed to find each other attractive (but they dooooooo).
• I learned what my crushes really were, and that they weren't really fueled by romantic attraction. I just wanted to feel like I was part of the crowd, and "having a crush on someone" was a way to get other people's positive attention. My favorite part of crushes was gossiping with other people, not actually, yknow, experiencing the crush. I always had to make myself do that part. I felt genuine giddy crush-like excitement whenever I "had" a crush, but it was never because of the person, it was always because of the context. Looking back it's so clear, but I really had no idea for so long.
• I learned why my past relationships didn't work. They were built on platonic and physical attraction only, nothing else. One case fell apart when I realized the guy wasn't as cool as I thought he was, and the platonic attraction faded away. One was built on dependent platonic attraction on my part, and I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until they ended it. And it feels really freeing to finally have a reason why things fell apart, and to know that it wasn't just because I was a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. And I'm not a bad person.
• Ooh ooh I learned why I hate reading the trope of "character who's determined not to fall in love at the beginning of the story" and just knowing that by the end they'll have found someone ~special~ enough to make them want a relationship-- because I start off relating to the character and end up feeling completely distanced. It's infuriating!!
• I look back at almost every single character I've written and I see bits and pieces of my aroallo identity scattered around. I knew who I was all along, even if I didn't have the words for it or the self-worth to realize it about myself. Everything I've felt comfortable writing about is everything I would feel comfortable having for myself. And sometimes when I doubt my aromanticism, looking back at all this stuff reminds me that this is my truth.

Oof on the breakup, I'm impressed you managed to stay friends! (My two breakups ended up as charred bridges with no hope of repair.) I feel the same abt not having an IRL community, I've got tons of bi/non-straight friends to talk with, but I know approximately zero aro people IRL. This forum (along with r/aromantic tbh) has been super helpful and validating! Hope to catch you around

I'm a little late to the party and I don't have an answer, but I wanted to chip in my two cents in solidarity-- I was way more aware of the asexual community than I ever was of the aromantic one-- I knew that asexuality was a valid identity (I also knew I definitely wasn't asexual) and I sort of viewed aromanticism as some not-really-real microlabel to describe someone's personal preferences, rather than an actual orientation. (I was maybe 16 or 17 at the time, and had already come to terms with being bi, so I'm well aware it was an unhealthy viewpoint and have since definitely changed my mind.) It wasn't until I went through a lot of relationship-related hardships that I remembered that term that I used to know, and I looked it up again and realized there was an actual legitimate community of people. Their experiences matched up with mine and I realized that "aroallo" was, yknow, a thing. And I was that thing.

If I'd known about it as a serious identity and community sooner, well, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I'd still have a few friends that I lost. I'm not sure.