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Posts posted by Queasy_Attention

  1. I get this way too, though sometimes it's inconsistent. I'm not always against romance in media, and sometimes I quite like it and I get invested in relationships. Sometimes it really rubs me the wrong way, though. I think it's when I'm not expecting it and then suddenly it's just there, and it's like, the story would have worked just fine without a relationship added into the mix, why did they have to add a relationship into the mix? For a slightly less mature example, the Lego Batman Movie has Batman fawning over Barbara, and even though they don't get together in the end it's like, what? What did this add to the story? Literally nothing. Why is it here.

    And then I also devour trashy romance novels like no tomorrow lmfao. But I think I like it when the romance is the interesting part of the story. *complicated shrug*

    • Like 1

  2. Hi, welcome! If you're looking for other places to post, the r/aromantic sub on reddit is also pretty cool (though I like this forum more; I think it's a little mellower.) Soon-to-be-college samesies, I'm hoping to study music come this winter, though we'll see how that shakes out with COVID. And I was into comics too for a while! If you haven't checked out Patsy Walker AKA Hellcat, Mockingbird, or Squirrel Girl before I'd highly recommend them. I ended up getting rid of most of my stash but I kept those three series lol.

    (also like fun fact not to toot my own horn too much but i,,,, might have worked with brianna hildebrand,,,,, before,,,,,,) (she was very nice) 

    Anyway hope to catch you around the forums! Everyone here seems pretty chill!

    • Like 1

  3. Oh, man, what a toughie. I mean, on paper, yeah if you've told them you're a-spec and they said they were fine with that, then sure you're in the clear. But, yknow, things that work in theory don't always work in practice.

    Obviously I don't know any of the details about you as a person or this other person, or the relationship between you two leading up to this point-- But, I dunno, that post-decision-worry-regret really, really hits home for me. I stayed in a few relationships after experiencing this, an exciting buildup and a genuine want to start some sort of relationship (whether that was down to platonic attraction, physical attraction, some cocktail of my mental and social stuff saying "YEAH SURE A RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE GREAT" or whatever)-- that quickly faded to "oh god why did I do this, this was a mistake" after we actually started dating. And I didn't bring it up at all, to any of my partners. And that........ led to some bridges being burned. (I'm literally just projecting my baggage onto ur situation, so like in no way am I saying this is gonna happen to u, I just mean this is the angle I'm kinda coming from.)

    There's a stereotype that whenever allos ask us aros for relationship advice it always boils down to either "talk to each other" or "break up," but seriously I think you should bring this up. If it's something specifically about the relationship between you two that you're experiencing strong emotions for, then I think it kind of does concern them too (not that you have to tell them every single thought you have or tell them immediately-- just a general "hey I was excited about this and now I'm nervous and feel xyz because zxy.") Plus, if they really do care about you, I don't think they'd want you to be worried and upset in the first place.

    All in all it's up to you to decide what's gonna make you feel happy, safe, and comfortable. If being in a relationship-- even as an aro-- is gonna do that, then yeah, I think it'll turn out well! And if it turns out that you realize you don't actually want this, then that's okay too. I think the most important part is being honest with yourself, first and foremost.

    As for the last bit-- no, you didn't make a mistake. I look back at my past relationships and cringe because of things that I did or said, but I don't really view them as mistakes. What happened happened, and it was only ever gonna happen that way. Same thing here-- you're doing your best. I really hope things work out for u ghosty ❤️

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    • Thanks 1

  4. Aah, you put it into words! I was always so uncomfortable whenever I was out with my partners-- my first relationship, I constantly felt like this whenever I was out somewhere with him, like we were on display As A Couple and I had to act right, and I had no idea what to do. My second relationship was mostly long distance, which suited me better, but whenever we met up in person I also felt that strange pressure like I was supposed to act or feel a certain way, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Bluuughhh.

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  5. Ha, I had a similar conversation with a coworker of mine. It was complicated a little by the fact that he knows I've been in at least two relationships. I brought up something like "I don't ever want to get married," and he clearly took this as a self-pitying statement and tried to make me feel better by saying "oh, well, I'm sure if you meet the right person," etc. And I was like "..... nah, I don't think so. I just don't want to." And he was like .....ok I guess. 

    I don't really get mad at "you'll meet the right person" because while it's a little invalidating, it does come from a place of empathy and care from the other person. (In my experience, anyway. I haven't had to deal with family pushing me towards a relationship, thank goodness.)

  6. 3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

    On the same note, when a character finally gets the job he/she always wanted but gives it up at the end of the movie, because romance is the only thing that really makes you happy.

    Duuuude, fuck this trope. I will admit to loving Kate and Leopold (maybe just for the butter monologue), but the ending cheeses me every time. Sure, give up your corporate ladder job that you've worked for for YEARS, sure, throw away the now interesting professional relationship you have with your boss who hit on you but now respects you as a person, sure, go back to a time where you can't even VOTE. Hugh Jackman's good, but he's not that good, sister.

    3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

    Same. Well, not all my characters, I've got a lot of allos because I like romance... but some of the characters that are the most like me have strong aro vibes

    Bruhhhh even the characters I write in romances are, like, pretty fuckin' aro. For a while I was like well ok I guess the wacky side quip characters are definitely aro, because they stay out of the way and don't want romance for themselves, but still root for their friends to get together. But then I look back at all the characters in relationships too and I'm like ohhhhh. Ohhhhhh. 

    9 hours ago, nisse said:

    SERIOUSLY hahahaha figuring out some big stuff about myself ALWAYS makes me look back at younger me and go oooooooh i see

    I think that's the best part of finding this identity-- looking back and realizing OH SHIT, OH THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE

  7. 23 minutes ago, nisse said:

    Pride and Prejudice (2005) is among my top 3 films.

    HA P&P has to be one of my favorite books! I've never seen the film or the show before, but I've always had it on the list of "stuff I think I should probably watch because I'd like it, but I won't watch for a long time for reasons unknown until the end of time." Yknow the feeling. Uggghhh it's so gooooood, because relationships in that setting are more based around, like, political gain rather than actual attraction, and you're lucky if you wind up with someone you can actually get along with and like-- and the whole thing is all about their social relationships between one another as well as their individual relationship together, and there's misunderstandings and ugghhh it's so goooood

    25 minutes ago, nisse said:

    i love being by myself! not like all the time, but living alone, having my own time, not sharing my whole life with someone

    god, THIS. Growing up I used to, like, lie awake and worry about how someday I'd have to sleep in the same bed as someone else and share a living space with them, and then I'd calm myself down by being like well that's not happening yet, and I've got a lot of time until it does, so I should just enjoy being alone while I still can. Jump cut to now, lol. 

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  8. I posted this on reddit yesterday and figured hey, why not post it here too? This isn't a call to action or anything, I'm was just excited about all the little discoveries about myself I've been making in the past three or four months, and I wanted to write them down somewhere. If yall have anything like this-- something that realizing you're aro brought to light-- then I'd love to hear your stories too!

    • I learned why I'm really picky about what kind of romance I like to read. I like reading about couples if their platonic or physical relationships are interesting, because as an aroallo I can empathize with and relate to both platonic and physical attraction. If a couple doesn't have either of those, blup bee doo they're boring. Gimme something with enemies forced to work together, or queer historical fiction where they're not allowed to find each other attractive (but they dooooooo).
    • I learned what my crushes really were, and that they weren't really fueled by romantic attraction. I just wanted to feel like I was part of the crowd, and "having a crush on someone" was a way to get other people's positive attention. My favorite part of crushes was gossiping with other people, not actually, yknow, experiencing the crush. I always had to make myself do that part. I felt genuine giddy crush-like excitement whenever I "had" a crush, but it was never because of the person, it was always because of the context. Looking back it's so clear, but I really had no idea for so long.
    • I learned why my past relationships didn't work. They were built on platonic and physical attraction only, nothing else. One case fell apart when I realized the guy wasn't as cool as I thought he was, and the platonic attraction faded away. One was built on dependent platonic attraction on my part, and I didn't realize how unhealthy it was until they ended it. And it feels really freeing to finally have a reason why things fell apart, and to know that it wasn't just because I was a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. And I'm not a bad person.
    • Ooh ooh I learned why I hate reading the trope of "character who's determined not to fall in love at the beginning of the story" and just knowing that by the end they'll have found someone ~special~ enough to make them want a relationship-- because I start off relating to the character and end up feeling completely distanced. It's infuriating!!
    • I look back at almost every single character I've written and I see bits and pieces of my aroallo identity scattered around. I knew who I was all along, even if I didn't have the words for it or the self-worth to realize it about myself. Everything I've felt comfortable writing about is everything I would feel comfortable having for myself. And sometimes when I doubt my aromanticism, looking back at all this stuff reminds me that this is my truth.
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  9. Oof on the breakup, I'm impressed you managed to stay friends! (My two breakups ended up as charred bridges with no hope of repair.) I feel the same abt not having an IRL community, I've got tons of bi/non-straight friends to talk with, but I know approximately zero aro people IRL. This forum (along with r/aromantic tbh) has been super helpful and validating! Hope to catch you around :)

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  10. I'm a little late to the party and I don't have an answer, but I wanted to chip in my two cents in solidarity-- I was way more aware of the asexual community than I ever was of the aromantic one-- I knew that asexuality was a valid identity (I also knew I definitely wasn't asexual) and I sort of viewed aromanticism as some not-really-real microlabel to describe someone's personal preferences, rather than an actual orientation. (I was maybe 16 or 17 at the time, and had already come to terms with being bi, so I'm well aware it was an unhealthy viewpoint and have since definitely changed my mind.) It wasn't until I went through a lot of relationship-related hardships that I remembered that term that I used to know, and I looked it up again and realized there was an actual legitimate community of people. Their experiences matched up with mine and I realized that "aroallo" was, yknow, a thing. And I was that thing.

    If I'd known about it as a serious identity and community sooner, well, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe I'd still have a few friends that I lost. I'm not sure. 

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  11. Realizing I was aro changed the way I viewed relationships in media. I realized that what I really liked about those relationships was the specific attractions I related to- platonic and sexual attractions, specifically. I really like it when two people have an interesting relationship in which their friendship is unique and unexpected, or unlikely yet enduring. I like stories where their physical attraction is unexpected or forbidden, so gay romance really hits with me, particularly historical gay romance. 

    I also like the friends-to-lovers trope, because I think my self-insert fantasy is to just have a really good friend with physical attraction/affection/intimacy added into the mix.

    I used to ship a lot. Now that I actually know what it is that I like, it takes a little more to get me invested than just a few spare glances. I haven't shipped anything new in a while, but I have a handful of old ships and saved fics that I keep in a back filing cabinet in case I need a pick-me-up. Most of them are for books, TV, or movies, but I do have one old lil' RPF ship that's stuck around with me through the years. They have such a cute dynamic ❤️ 

    But now I've mostly been reading original books instead of fanfic. There's a lot of good trashy romance if you know where to look for it, and I've found a few really good ones. It's funny to see which authors know how to write good chemistry and which authors paint by the numbers, lol. I'm not saying original fiction is any better or worse-- and in fact, a couple of books are much worse than some of the stuff I've read on AO3-- but I think I just got tired of having to interpret my own queer reading onto obviously straight media. I like reading books written about queer people for queer people, and I find it more rewarding when the canon text has the guys or the girls get together in the end.

  12. 17 hours ago, CloudlegtheVolcano said:

    as an adult, I will be nobody’s number one.

    I honestly don't believe this. Times have changed so much, and with the ever-growing voices of those of us who don't conform to the "fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house" aspirations that have been standard for decades, friends are becoming more and more important. People, particularly millennials and those younger than them, are staying unmarried for longer, thinking more maturely and seriously about the relationships they do form, facing economic problems that make having kids and getting a house much bigger obstacles than they used to be, and realizing the value in basic friendship and support for one another with no romantic or official strings attached. I think that's wonderful. 

    And I believe that if you carry yourself as someone who values friends over romantic relationships, you'll attract like-minded people who see the value in your friendship, and in the love that you share. I have a few close good friends, and I've stayed friends with them through some relationships. I still offer them love and support, and they offer me the same. It doesn't really matter to me if they find romantic partners, because I'm not vying to be "number one" in their lives (and I could go into a multi-paragraph tangent on that but I'll just leave it at that for now.) I just want to be able to show and give them love when they need it, because I care about them. 

    • Like 1

  13. I chose definitely not for both marriage and kids. Kids are a hard no, I just don't like the idea of raising them. I'm even uncomfortable looking after them at all, I can't talk to them. Marriage or a QPR was a little more complicated, but I ended up saying no. I don't want anything with a label on it, I don't think. 

  14. I have bipolar 2! It affects the way I view myself and my personality-- I feel like I have a few different "types" of personalities depending on whether I'm in a hypo-manic swing, a depressive dip, or staying more at baseline (which makes things like personality tests kinda difficult, since I usually have two different answers that could apply at two different times.) For those unfamiliar, bipolar 2 is slightly different from bipolar disorder in that it's not as intense and is more or less manageable without hospitalization or intense medication-- though some people do choose to take medication to stabilize their moods.

    It's a big part of my life and it's a little strange that I don't really share about it with anyone else. I've never met anyone with bipolar 2, save for lurking in r/bipolar2 lol. I seriously doubt anyone else around here is gonna relate or have this in common, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

  15. 7 hours ago, nonmerci said:

    I don't know if I said it before but...

    YMBAI listening to "can you feel the love tonight" from the Lion King, you relate to the par of Timon and Pumbaa, not Simba and Nala. 


    also ooh ooh YMBAI all your favorite characters are sassy "third wheels" who think the main will-they-won't-they couple is kinda gross but eggs them on anyway because they want happiness for their friends

    • Like 3
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