DogObsessedLi

I do sympathise with people who question the need for labels.  Personally I prefer seeing them as descriptors, and if useful in self-knowledge or for explaining then fine, if they cause more confusion I generally question them!!! Though if you then need to explain the definition it can defeat the point, or on the contrary it could help put words into otherwise clueless mouths (I for one have relied on subterms to help put words to what I'm experiencing, for me the likes of aplatonic, romance-repulsed, etc etc have helped word my experiences and feelings). But yeah, some glossaries are headachy and so probably counterproductive!!!!!! Just my two cents ?

Welcome! Nice to meet you ?

Welcome! I also have the same reaction to PDAs!

I'm in a QPR with a homoromantic woman who is keen to make a point about us "being together", and talks of "breaking the news to my parents" etc etc, but all this makes me cringe and I've been dragging my feet on the topic feeling uncomfortable about it but clueless as to how to explain this uncomfortableness (is that a word???), but it has always been very hard to put into words to explain how I feel (something I am useless at and why I find forums like this so much help as others can help give me the words to describe). But I recently saw a link on Facebook (here) that I read and was like, "this is totally what I want in life". I just don't see the need to make such a song and dance about sharing life events with a friend (or two). How have others set up more serious friendships without making them on a par with romantic relationships (which everyone will see it as if we announce that we're "together", which makes me even more uncomfortable)?

Thanks

Regarding platonic being non-physical that largely depends on the culture, probably right down to the microculture for example a group of straight cis-males in a very straight cis-male working culture at work would definitely not be physically affectionate, whereas a group of very straight cis-females might be more huggy and kissy with their friends, in the same way that some families are more huggy and kissy, and then you have everything in between. I do wonder though how "hug-starved" we are as a society if we rely so much on romance relationships for them.

THE NEXT TUESDAY EVENING AT THE EGG CAFE: 20 AUGUST 2019, 7PM

Our regular Tuesday evening a-spec meet at Egg Cafe, 7pm. Unfortunately it's a bit later in the month than I originally wanted, but with holidays and other commitments this is the first Tuesday evening available. As usual, if you need to contact me on the day the number is 07594607252. I will keep you updated where we are in the cafe on the night.

OUR NEXT MEET: SUGAR AND DICE BOARD GAME CAFE SUNDAY 11 AUGUST, 2PM. Please RSVP ASAP for numbers thanks.

Later on in the month:

SATURDAY 24TH AUGUST, 2PM, Egg Cafe

SATURDAY 31ST AUGUST, 12.30PM Manchester Day trip with Manchester AVEN. I am planning on travelling from Liverpool Lime Street to get into Manchester Piccadilly circa 12.30. I'm not the actual organiser and there's a post here specific to it. If you could RSVP so I can let the organiser know thanks. I'll let you know nearer the date what train I'll be getting if you'd like to join me at Liverpool Lime Street earlier (or just make your own way there)

A best friend platonic relationship (remember how close you (possibly) were with your best friend(s) at school), well ideally I want that level of intimate platonic relationship; however happy to work out a QPR also. Basically depends on the circumstances.

On 7/19/2019 at 1:54 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

This poll doesn't really cover what I want at all... I want "purely platonic friendship", yes, but the views I have on friendship/what I want from a friendship generally are a bit different from how allo society conceptualizes friendships.

This is me all over. I want the closeness of childhood friendships that society has relegated by prioritising romantic relationships. Basically, friendships but before they were sidelined by other commitments (that are usually romantic relationship based).

@Mirrorreaper The change in society to small family units based on monogamous romantic pairings is really interesting to reflect on, and I also wonder if this arrangement then aggravates the problem because the romantic couples are straining to work independently as a unit and then feel like they have to prioritise their friendships to concentrate on this. It would be nice to see some research in this.

I feel you. Can't give much advice because I'm atrocious at romantic relationships, I'm struggling enough with being in a QPR with a homoromantic woman who has been trying to understand aromanticism and is suppressing her romantic affections. She says 'I love you' and I know she is meaning platonically, but I know it is more than that and it also makes me uncomfortable as I feel like I'll be leading her on or giving mixed messages if I reciprocate. 

I have been in multiple romantic relationships and presently attempting a QPR with a homoromantic woman. My past pattern that is on repeat is:

have intimate platonic need/feel platonically lonely... start romantic relationship because they are cool or I enjoy their company... ok for the first "best friend" bit but as it gets more romantically intense I start to feel suffocated... break up with them usually badly with no explanation, the usual clueless "it's me not you" argument... after around 6-12 months have intimate platonic need/feel platonically lonely...

I'm starting to feel like a record on repeat ?. I'm romance-repulsed aro but far from aplatonic unfortunately. I crave the best friend relationships I had back before they were sidelined. 

Basically if I'm with a man I end up feeling like a straight man who enjoys their company trying to function in a romantic relationship with the man. The same in terms of any other gender, with a woman feel like a straight woman etc etc. It never ends well.

It could be platonic attraction and you could be romance-neutral (esp if you're neutral to the type of relationship it is). Anyway, if you are romance-neutral aro or you are some sort of greyro (like quoiromantic) the result will most probably be sort of the same. And as for any relationship platonic or romantic communication is crucial - hope it all works out and there is a happy platonic or romantic ending ?

Greetings from Liverpool, UK ?.

You sound very creative. I've played around with poetry myself (I wouldn't say I write poetry).

I'm romance repulsed, especially towards me personally. I don't mind a little in the media (be it book, film, music or something else), and can even find the idea in theory beautiful, like I'd poetically see other aspects of life as beautiful; but then I get seriously bored of it and wonder why no other aspect of life is given such centre stage. It's one of the reasons why I got into rock and folk music for the variety of topics for the lyrics. It is also one of my biggest barriers to keeping up a romantic relationship with someone, however much I like their company etc, I end up feeling suffocated by the intensity somehow and a relief when it's over. I'm aroace and to compare, I'm much more neutral-open to sex than I am to romance (though I am probably unromantic in my approach and attitude, not that I'm promoting one night stands, but I would prefer a trusted FRIEND to have sex with and would prefer the less "romantic postures"), to try and compare the different aspects

But as with all labels and sublabels, I use them only when there's a need to either improve self knowledge or to explain to someone, and I do see self knowledge as important.

I've been hanging around on here for a while without realising that this section of the forum exists! I'm aroace to be specific, though I do relate more to aro than ace just by being romance-repulsed more than sex repulsed. I do sometimes wonder whether I edge into the grey-ace area. I don't mind sex, I just can't be bothered with all the hassle of all the lead up and just want to "get it done", but apparently that isn't romantic according to others... I also have been accused of being very textbook scientifically crude about it and have since been told I'm totally missing the point on it!! Anyway, that is definitely splitting hairs so just say ace at least at present. 

I'm from the Wirral, which is between Liverpool and Chester (it's a peninsula and so we have lots of beach to dog walk on). Of course, I have my dog who is my life, and has upset previous romantic partners previously who have accused me of "being more romantic towards my dog", I don't understand what their point is if I'm honest!!

I organise a Liverpool a-spec social group. 

Otherwise I'm sport obsessed (don't expect my attention during the upcoming rugby world cup!) 

Sorry for the question but what is aplatonic?

I like the idea of an A-spec flag, mainly because L has a flag, G has a flag, B has a flag (etc etc without painfully listing), irrespective of talking about romantic attraction or sexual attraction. I agree about the colours though - the typical purple and green of ace and aro respectively should be used. I didn't even know there was an aroace specific flag, I would have guessed that aroace would be half aro flag and half ace flag in some way, and I don't necessarily see how this can't be used for A-Spec more generally. Just my 2 cents! ?

@Coyote yep that's the group. Yeah, I think I'll keep a-spec to just the descriptions and the like. Basically I want the name to be able to be found if someone searches for Liverpool aromantic OR Liverpool asexual (other local areas in Merseyside like Wirral will link to Liverpool in the searches), while not alienating either alloromantic asexuals or aromantic allosexuals. This is the main reason why I wouldn't call it a-spec in the name because it wouldn't be found. I would love for others to get more involved with the organising and I keep on putting it out there. I am thinking of how best to tweak the descriptions to fit the inclusive needs of the group (but also to give the inclusive stance of the group out to members as I know we have a wide range of members), I am reluctant to start listing terms if I can at all help it because once you start listing terms you always accidentally alienate someone you've left off. 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your imput. It's nice to get other's imput at times. 

Note: Tomorrow's Egg meet is cancelled due to low numbers. The next Tues evening meet is same time, 23rd July.

* A social group for all a-spec persons in Liverpool and the surrounding areas.

We're looking for diverse a-spec volunteers to join the organising team to help direct the group as a diverse a-spec presence in Liverpool and surrounding areas.*

@Jot-Aro Kujo I'd love to build up a group of a-spec diverse organisers, but I of course have to start somewhere, frustrating as it is ?. 

Though I do relate personally to relating to being aromantic first before being asexual because I'm much more romantic-repulsed than sex-repulsed, and this definitely affects my personal situation more. The problem is that, we all come from our own very personal situation and perhaps I need to draft something along the lines of respecting the diversity of the a-spec group. Need to have a think about that though! I think all queer related groups have these political difficulties 

Thanks everyone. I have changed the name to Liverpool Asexual &/or Aromantic Social, with a majority green based icon (there's a little bit of purple in there). I would add the picture here but I'm not that technology-minded, my skill is more in the meeting up for coffee! That said, it's amazing what you can do on your phone with photo editor!!

Regarding the way around be it aromantic, asexual or asexual, aromantic; it struck me that I for one would read aromantic (&) asexual as "aro-ace" specific. I know that people read stuff differently and it can be one of the most frustrating things about language because it's always the words plus the brain!

I give you the general style of the group: it is a social group where we meet up primarily to meet other a-spec people where we wouldn't necessarily meet otherwise, we talk about everything from football to a-spec related topics, but I don't ever expect anyone to talk about a-spec topics unless they want to. It is chilled out social first and foremost, and I always emphasize that it is group directed. I know there are a few alloromantic asexuals in the group, but the far bigger amount of members are those either aromantic or haven't a clue about their romantic orientation. There are also grey aces or those who shrug and just know "they are just not really that interested somehow". If the group can be some sort of in person support to greater self awareness irrespective of the romantic side or the sexual. It isn't just for those who know full well their exact labels, it certainly took me a year to work out my aromanticism after finding out that there is a difference.

I am forever encouraging others in the group to step up and help organise, or at least communicate their needs to me. Sometimes blood and stone comes to mind which I do find frustrating.

But yes, I have always had the founding principle that the group is for the specific member needs as they evolve as members join etc. I will always be reviewing it all to make sure it is relevant to the group as much as possible, and it struck me recently that it had evolved in many ways since it's first meetings. Obviously there will always be someone I can't please, but those people I encourage to actually step up and join me as an organiser and work with me to cover more needs.

The image is on here. I'm always looking at the description to tweak it, and then I get frustrated and feel the need to make coffee!!!

@Mark That is interesting but, firstly I can't help being asexual, and what is wrong with the evolution of any group? I actually think on a local level aces and aros should band together. Many will be in the same group anyway. And what about people who are unsure, they know they are in the aro and/or ace spectrums but still working on their personal knowledge. This argument is the argument homosexuals use against the inclusion of homoromantic (asexuals). Ideally I like the broadest label for the group possible but sometimes you do need to select words for a name. We have always included aromantics as being in the same "A" area of the queer spectrum, but if people want to be pedantic and take things personally that's not actually there then those people are impossible to please. I have been involved with other queer spectrum groups and we get the same misunderstanding directed at aromantics and asexuals, why behave the same as them just because I say all As should work together. As the name was (I've since changed it), aromantics were purely an add on. But if people want to take issue with me being aro ace as an organiser, I would always say, expect people to take issue with your identity also.

And as for the logo, it is on my to do list to sort out, but not being particularly computer creative it will take time.

And I have looked at the thread suggested but would always say it depends on the group in question. Obviously a book reading group will have different approaches, but still couldn't a group have an aro looking book one month, ace looking book another month, that way not only do you have inclusion but people listening to each other. As it is it's a social group, usually over coffee. If people want separate groups for every orientation however closely aligned they are then so be it, they can start their own.

I wanted to gauge people's thoughts on here. I organise a local A-spec social group for both aros and aces. Some members are both aro and ace, others or one but not the other, and overall I refuse to gatekeep and accept anyone who will "benefit from an A-spec social group whatever related queer orientation they are". At the moment the name is Liverpool and Wirral Asexuality Social Group, and I mention aromantic in the description. I want the name to be searchable by anyone local who could benefit from the group, which is why the name is so important. I have thought about adding aromantic into the name but then wonder if it then suggests that it's for those who are aromantic AND asexual, which is not the case. I haven't been able to think up a solution so I thought I'd post on here to see if anyone else has any better ideas. I have to bear in mind what people will search for, so I would call it Liverpool and Wirral A-Spec social group but that doesn't help anyone searching (and potentially could be mixed up with autism spectrum). I already say Liverpool and Wirral instead of Merseyside due to searchability, but I am aware that aromantic isn't mentioned in the name. If anyone has any helpful suggestions I'll be very grateful! Thanks. Liverpool and Wirral Asexual and Aromantic Social is the best I've thought of but I am concerned with being "both only" implicated.

I organised an A-spec social group in Liverpool and the surrounding areas for aros and aces and I just thought I'd start a thread here just in case anyone can get to Liverpool, UK relatively easily. 

Summary of upcoming events July - August 2019:

Regular Tuesday evening meet (aiming at fortnightly but please double check with me) at the Egg cafe, Liverpool. Next meet Tuesday 9th July 7pm.

Sugar and Dice Board Game Cafe, Liverpool, Saturday 13th July 2pm (please rsvp ASAP as I'll be booking a table in the next day or so).

Sugar and Dice Board Game Cafe, Liverpool, Sunday 11th August 2pm (please rsvp by end of July for booking numbers)

Egg Cafe, Liverpool Saturday 24th August 2pm.

Any problems on the day: 07594607252

I'm hoping to be at Liverpool Pride this month flying the aro flag!

I think it can depend on a case by case situation, and of course how confident you are in your orientation (as well as time, how much you need to explain how much energy you have). I always have certain go to explanations for example getting them to imagine how they'd be in a romantic relationship with the sex or gender they aren't attracted to (it's amazing how many times that doesn't work, esp with cishet men), or the positive approach of getting them to think back to their best friends or besties before romantic relationships were prioritised in their life. Again, you can deal with idiots, but my experience is that it can take more than one chat to explain to the average person. I have the attitude that it's no secret I'm aromantic asexual but I don't speak to strangers about it and only personally bring it up for a reason, and then I always like to make people feel they can ask sincere questions. It is a difficult issue though, and LGBT groups do need to be educated primarily in some ways. There is no overnight solution. 

7 hours ago, aro-fae said:

In general, I feel like visibility should be more of a goal for the greater community than individuals. Let larger LGBT organizations and activists do that kind of work, rather than relying on individuals. 

I frequently come out as aro, particularly because I'm heavily involved in an organization and for the sake of event planning I like to make sure we bring the aromantic flag along with all the others  Of course, that is a very easy environment to come out in. Am I running through the sheets shouting that I'm aro and handing out flyers? No. I'm just planting little reminders among people that already know. 

And I agree with Coyote, visibility is not the best goal. Education and acceptance should be the focus, visibility just happens to follow it. 

I must admit that I think there's different levels of awareness. Often even in queer/quasi support agencies they can be ignorant of aromantic and asexual orientations, it's one of the big problems generally with the LGBT+ term because you'll get everything from LGBT to LGBTQI, it's rare that As are even considered, and definitely the awareness of split attraction is definitely not made aware in these circles, be it aromantic allosexual, alloromantic asexual or another combination (my QP is homoromantic heterosexual for example). 

But my aromantic asexual orientation is neither a secret or do I tell everyone