Cassiopeia

40 minutes ago, Cereal Tendencies said:

I also worry that I'll wake up one day regretting never been in a relationship

I've even considered "testing" it out and just winging it with a relationship before, but I always come up with the conclusion that romantics deserve someone who can actually reciprocate their feelings, instead of a platonic/familial love that they have to put up with

Yes, precisely. And even if your person is okay with you experimenting, as a questioning aro, after how many failed loveless relationships can you be sure? What if the next one will be it but you stopped trying? What if you date for three months, and its all bland and forced but the spark would have been finally there if you stayed together for two more? I remember being in a relationship, and trying to find out the correct number of months that would already qualify as Serious Long Term Relationship™ to know that I have exprerienced the thing. 

What if embracing the lack of romantic feelings is actually keeping me from experiencing them? And feeling broken. Not just as in 'I'm fucked up, something is not working the way it should' but also as 'is this a reaction to a trauma I supressed so much I don't even remember it',  (even though I know there was no trauma, but still, what if...)

Memes are older than you think, and they will live on probably longer than people expect. Apathy and sarcastic jokes are forever.

cotton candy

I was always really scared to ID as aro because it sounds so final, so categorical.

Its not just finding it hard to determine the lack of something you never had, but also ruling out the possibility of it. So far  the whole romance thing is so off putting, it sounds unreal, unlikely, but what if I change? What if I wake up one day when I'm old and regret not trying harder, not doing one more year of fake it til you make it?

What if people will use my identity to question my relationships in the future? Queer relationships seldom treated as legitimate, and a same sex queerplatonic relationship will be even less. What if me being out and proud will somehow endanger me and the people important to me? Romance is so deeply enbedded into our culture, and it comes with lots of privileges and advantages. It's not easy choosing to be yourself knowing you may pay a high price for that.

(I just rewatched San Junipero with a straight friend and it was such and eye opener)

I guess this is more related to asexuality, as nudity is traditionally seen as a sexual thing... And also can be a gender thing, but I don't really have any issues with that either.

Still, its an intimate situation, but nothing negative.

I got some silly insecurities, but in general I am comfortable with nudity. 

Ooops.

green, raw, energetically enhanced kale

(that sounds like one of those overpriced hipster products...but like is it soap? is it a snack? you'll never know)

LARPS

1 hour ago, Mark said:

I'm not sure that there is a simple answer here.
How do you translate things into "allo speak"?

Terms like "non platonic" or "non romantic" are likely to be just as confusing as "queer platonic".
Terms like "FWB" or "sexual friend" are likely to be misinterpreted as "sex only".

Oh yes, the euphemism dance.

I guess its not just translating, but also dodging the negative stereotypes.

Its kind of like the Activity board game, you have to descirbe the thing without saying the word...but you have also other taboo sentences.

"Not looking for a relationship"

"Its complicated, just ask me if you wanna know"

"you make such a great FRIEND"

I feel silly talking about wanting a QPP or using any kind of aro jargon irl. Its just so frustrating to choose between not telling the full truth and not being taken seriously.

Friends help you to hop

ADIIW

Good afternoon.... let's yodel together. 

WQIYN

Have these nougat nibbles, Matt.

BTWFA

Sounds like an abusive friendship.

Many of these things point towards a classic case of emotinal manipulation, and based on what you have told us about her, she is also a victim of it probably. (When you are thirteen, dating adults isn't going to be a balanced thing. I also have a pretty good idea why she thinks she is the permanent victim...) But your abuser’s trauma doesn’t justify them abusing you.

What she is doing is called gaslighting, when one does something abusive and then twisting it and reframing it until they are able to play the victim.

If your friend outs you without your consent, they are abusive.

If your friend riddicules you and makes you feel guilty for the things you enjoy, they are abusive.

If your friend touches you without your consent, even if its non-sexual in nature, even if they do it jokingly its still abusive. Especially if they keep doing it after you told them to stop.

Now its important to keep in mind that:

• She knows she is hurting you
• She is convinced that she is the victim, therefore you deserve it. Emotional manipulators feel entitled to comfort, even when they are hurting others.
• She benefits from this, and she won't give that up easily.
• She will try everything to isolate you from help and turn people against you.
• She will manipulate people's emotions to get them on her side.
• She won't stop. When she is nice to you, its part of the pattern.
• You can't save or fix her. 
• You can't provoke these behaviours. Its not something you did.
• You are not 'seeing things'. She is trying to make you question your sanity.

What I'd suggest is dealing with the situation very consistently.

Not just limit the conversations with her, but put them on full stop. Leaving won't be easy, as she needs you. She will fight for keeping you around, she will do everything to win you back only to start again. She will try to humilliate you, pit others against you, track down your new friends. 

Expect the same shitstorm but more intensively. You are not stupid for staying so long, they were sabotaging you. You should not feel guilty or ashamed. She has no power ower you.

Create a safe space for yourself they can't infiltrate. Befriend people she doesn't know and can't meet. Try a new hobby and don't tell her friend circle about it. Create a new blog, use another username. Dare to slowly trust your new friends, you may feel an urge to repeat the patterns she used on you...don't.

Focus on your safe space and try to heal.

Well, I guess I'm playing for the other team now...

On 11/14/2016 at 11:28 PM, Kojote said:

I also got mad witch aesthetics so I'm already picturing one motive with a deer skull pierced by an arrow! But alas, we'll see =D keep the ideas and associations coming!

Yesss please. 

Or maybe a deer faun person with a bow and arrows? would be so cool.

I'd tell my friend a bit about what they can expect, how aro people in general experience the world, what it feels like, about romance repulsion, QPRs, etc. 

Every aro person is different, so my aro experience isn't neccessarily the same as this other person's. What I'd like is quite different from what other aros would choose, so its important to prepare them for different scenarios.

Its most likely that this aro person will not be open to dating them, but perhaps would be into something else. 

Does 'interested' mean your friend has a crush on them, or in love with them? Would they be interested only in dating this other aro, or are they more open minded?

If they don't get exactly what they expected, would they loose interest?

The other person's sexuality definitely matters, because its a factor in relationships. I'm not sure how much you told your friend already, but a bit of info would not hurt. I'd ask their opinon on poly things, just in case. 

Also, I'd say this other aro person is quite fortunate to have someone else around to educate your friend.

Most allo people who pursue aros have just no idea, and especially if they aren't getting the conventional 'yes' or 'no' messages, they get angry and confused. To many of them a 'yes, but not that' sounds like you are playing with them, lying, or wasting their time. You can save them a lot of awkwardness, misunderstandings and dissappointmet.

But no, I would not tell them to give up. Just to keep an open mind.

Matt Smith is seems to be doing fine, so I guess...

A million dollars but you have to spend the rest of your life underwater.

You could, but the light pollution is so bad its almost like daylight.

I wish I had the perfect colours in my paintbox. Nice and bright, good texture, good pigmentation, consistent transparency, minimal fading. And no unplesant smell.

waste reduction

3

 And its always hot chocolate weather somewere so... and hot choc may also be an emotional state.

  @Louis Hypo

I want some hot chocolate. And all the kindness and acceptance speech

4

2 

still in the limbo so...

pink