nonmerci

For some reason, the more I heard about AVEN, the more I am disgusted... That's a shame it is the more visible asexual website.

Internet can be very violent on these subjects because people are anonymous and we don't know them. Hopefully, if you tell people you care about irl, they will express it differently.

That being said, it doesn't mean people you know won't be arophobic. Comments like "you'll find the one someday", "but you will live your life alone", "you can't know for sure", "does it me you don't like me", "so you want one-night stand" (for allosexuals), "you are just afraid of commitment"... Things like that. They won't say it in a agressive tone, but it will be as offensive and invalidating.

Now that this is said, people can also have a good reaction. I see people be supportive or curious. You can't really know how someone will react before you come out.

I don-t want to kiss. Or maybe my family on the check,  that's it. I enjoy kissing in fiction, but for me... no way.

I don't see it as inherently romantic or sexual because I don't think actions are romantic or sexual, only the impulse for these actions are.

On 9/22/2020 at 9:53 AM, 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess said:

On AVEN I got a warning for standing up to racists.  I hope this site will be different.

Really? That's a shame.

8 hours ago, aro_elise said:

and again, i certainly cannot have sex with someone without being sexually attracted to them.  i understand this statement was about people in general, and that it is of course physically possible, but i don't get how it could be enjoyable.

There are asexual people who enjoy the sexual activity, so this is possible. May not be common, but it is still a thing. Lke enjoying sport, or music... a lot of things in life don't include sexual attraction and we still love them. Just, the experience is different and not enjoyable for the same reason.

14 hours ago, FaerySilverwings said:

Another way I sometimes feel like a "bad aro": I'm a writer, and I don't actively impose identities on my characters, they just sort of tell me over time who they are and who they like/don't... and I have a ton of them that are deeply romantic creatures (thankfully, that are involved in healthy relationships). 

Same. I have some aro or ace character but most of the time they are allo allo. They decide their own orientation, I have no power of that. I still remember how a main character decided to be bi, even if I can only picture her as homophobic and biphobic  (well at least,  she won't stay that way now, she'll learn to accept others).

Outside arocalypse, I don't speak about it most of the time. It rarely comes in the conversation, and I don't feel the need to bring it.

I liked imagining my wedding. The dress, the meal, the cake, maybe the place and the fun.

But I never imagine a husband or a wife to accompany all these things. That was optional lol.

Now that I think about it, being aro is like the song A very nice prince from the musical Into the woods. The baker's wife wants all the details about the prince, but Cinderella keeps talking about the festival because that's what she cares about, not the prince.

Once I found a history book about women who were single and glad to be so. It was in French but maybe an equivalent exist in English? You can also look for figure who had been single all their life but still had a meaningful life or be happy. For this you may find feminist articles (that's not only a feminist thing but as feminism has think a lot about the fact that women don't need a man, you may find things here).

Maybe testimony of people : talking about experiences works more than generalities for what I see. Polyamory pr aromanticism is good for that.

Also maybe, allos who priviledge toxic relationships before their sanity because of amatonormativity.

I like the example of @cherrieash because it shows that contrary to what a lot of people believe, marrying isn't natural but cultural. When it comes to family, a lot of people believe that the unclear family is the only possibility or the poor children will lose everything. Except they won't. There are a mot of other was to do things.

That's separate from aromantic spectrum. It is just more talk about here because lack of aromantic attraction leads aromantic to notice more other type of emotional attraction, that's it.

1 hour ago, FaerySilverwings said:

Hello fellow aroace peeps!

Out of curiosity, did anyone else here have trouble realizing their identity because they just... didn't get into situations where it would come into play? (For example, I was never around other people my age until I was in uni, so a lot of the "wait, I don't experience what other teenagers seem obsessed about" moments I've heard other aro and ace people describe just didn't happen to me at all.)

Don't know if this is part of why I didn't discover my identity before (main reason if I didn't know it was a possibility), but yes. I had friends my age but we never talked about crushes at all. Fun fact : I don't know if she is aro or not but one of these friends is still single because she thinks her studies and finding a job are more important right now, and she keeps refusing to date.

So I never relate to the "all my friends say that and I feel alienated" because my friends don't talk about crushes. The only time they did, well they were not really my friends but people of my class. They wanted to know my crush and I said the name of a cute guy. That's it.

Oh my...

They seriously said that asexual is close enough to aromantic? To an allo aro? Someone who suffers becuse people confused the two orientations? My, these kind of people make me feel ashamed of being ace...

how would they feel if you always forget that they are alloromantic and ypu buy them aromantic items!

2 hours ago, Scoop said:

Siri, why do my asexual friends believe that aromanticism is a subset of asexuality when my queer allo friends who only interact with aro and ace identities through our friend group understand the distinction and separation? 

I don't know, but I think that some asexual have problem to understand that aromanticism is it's own thing and does not belong to their community. Maybe because of the link between the two (though aro don't see to have the same problem to understand that they are different).

I laugh a bit for "gros" because in French it means "fat".

People usually say grayro for grey aromantic. I don't know for gray aces but graces is nice. Or maybe grayces to be like grayros.

I don't have squishes at all.

I can enjoy romance and I even enjoy writing some romantic subplot in my stories (though for some things I feel alienated when I write because I can't relate, like this time when I had to google "how to write a kiss" because I have no idea what it feels like or why people enjoy it).

I am fat, so fall under the "not traditionally attractive enough to have a partner" to dismiss the reasons why I am aromantic.

I'm not invested in things on tumblr and where all the posts about being aro are.

I have never post something on social media except forum like this, so I don't know if it helps. Maybe something about how being aro affects your life? Your relation to romantic subplots in movies, amatonormative expectations like "you'll find the one someday" and why it makes you feel bad, or how it makes you value other things than romance like friendship or hobbies. Or other things like that.

Just to nuance, I want to say that I am only bother when it is meant to be ambiguous to avoid telling things and then still claiming for representation.

For instance I am not bother by Elsa because her story is not about that at all (haven't seen the second movie though but I think it is the same). Honestly, there would not be the "give Elsa a girlfriend" thing, I would not expect any response from Disney because I dob't care at all. Her story is not about that.

Contrary to Will from Stranger Things for instance, where they are talking about it with other characters assuming things about him, but without Will saying anything about it. I expect him to discover his identity in the future and be upset if he doesn't. Because I would feel like the authors would like points for talking about queer but without actually having an official queer character (EDIT : ok they have a queer character, I forgot Robin, oops; but that doesn't change my point).

I agree with what other said.

If she is just uncomfortable discussing feelings and all that because she doesn't know what to say, you should discuss with her about what you expect from her, why the current situation makes you feel bad, unvalidated and frustrated. And also why you feel like you are the only one putting the effort here (I also felt that reading your post but I don't have all information). This way both of you can make things change.

Then, if she jeeps denying your feeling or making you feel guilty when she is in the wrong for not respecting your bondary... then, for your own sanity,  it is probably better for you to break up the friendship. If you don't feel good in it then there is no point for you to continue. That's not easy but that may be what is best.

INFP-T. Sounds ok to me.

Thanks for your answers.

True that in the parallel world, people are a bit different, and more inclined to have sex without marriage. I didn't think about it, but yes, it can be useful.

3 hours ago, treepod said:

There’s always the “about the author” section, where you might be able to mention both terms. I think ultimately, if a reader identifies with your character even in part, they might be inclined to go into doing their own research. And no matter which term you discover first online, it doesn’t take long to be introduced to the idea that romantic and sexual attraction can be separate. Even with people who are neither aromantic nor asexual, if someone comes into their lives who is one or the other, the difference is pretty simple to explain. I understand the worry of misleading the reader, but it might be better to focus less on the story’s educational value and more on making sure it feels authentic and personal. 

You're right, I didn't think about that. I may be too anxious. And personnaly when I read a book, I prefer authentical stories than too educational things (I like subtely in fact).

3 hours ago, treepod said:

I’m curious, is your story set in a specific real place and/or time period? I

Tricky question haha. It takes place at the end of XIX century/begining of the XX century, I haven't decide yet. The begining is in France, but the story in itself takes place in a parallel world, with magical creatures and such, so not a real place.

I have done some researchs about the woman condition in this period, and well, that's not very cool (euphemism). Women are expected to marry or to enter convent, people don't think that not getting married could be a choice. In the law, everything is thinking about that : women depends on their husband, and if not on a brother, an uncle, etc. But that's also a time where things began to change. Women fight for their right, access university. Though she's not born in France, the famous Mari Curie studied in Paris, for instance. So that's an interesting period for woman emancipation. But it won't be easy for a single woman, that's true.

55 minutes ago, Holmbo said:

Maybe add some different characters that can symbolize different things for her to reject, so to speak. For example you could include a "super cute" romantic couple and have her realize. I don't want that at all. And later she can encounter someone who's all about sexual experiences (that might be harder for the time period though).

Good idea.

On 8/27/2020 at 12:49 AM, Guest Randomperson said:

But using an aroace character themself to show the difference between aro and ace could be a slippery slope.

I don't necessary want to show it through this character, I am just scared that people get it wrong. I like the idea of side characters, but also the idea of how it can make her question herself in she sees how they behave. I am thinking about it to make something coherent with my story and my character.

But maybe as you said I am overthinking this. I am just scared that something meant to be helpful ends up hurting people.

Thanks for all your answers.

14 hours ago, Oatpunk said:

find that every time I reach an issue like this in my writing the answer is always: add more characters!!!!

That makes sense ha ha.

14 hours ago, Oatpunk said:

and she can be the person to prevent someone else from going through what she did.

This is typically something my character could do. I'll think about it.

11 hours ago, Queasy_Attention said:

And then you can have your protagonist compared to that identity, and specify that they don't want a romantic relationship at all

Maybe. Comparison are useful when we have to discover our identity. I already plan this kind of comparison when she'll discover homosexuality (no, she doesn't live in an open minded place), and wonder if she doesn't like boys, it could mean she likes girls (spoiler alerte : no).

9 hours ago, hermi1e said:

Maybe this wouldn't be realistic for the time, because even she might conflate the two, but that could potentially establish the identities as separate.

This story sounds awesome! I hope it gets out there, because I want to read it.

Thanks (but to be honest, I write in French so even if it gets somewhere, it needs to be big enough to be translated if people here wants to read and I don't know if I can write this good... I prefer to write on my native language and I'm not bilingual enough to write in English anyway).

As you said she might conflate the two. But as you said if she discovers her identity separately, it will be shown they are separate, so I'll think about it too.

6 hours ago, Autumn said:

Although if it's exclusively a story about 1 character's coming of age, I don't think you need to worry too much about showcasing every possible orientation? Unless the compare/contrast element is a strong part of the coming of age I guess

True, but I heard that some people are hurt by the idea that romantic and sexual attraction are the same, that's why. I am not forced to show every orientation possible that's true. But I'd like to show the true attraction can be separated.

I don't think that the comparison with aro allo or allo aces is absolutely necessary for the selfdiscovering,  but I see if it can help. I already know however that discovering she doesn't want what everybody else want will play a role , in particular as my character will be bully for it (being called heartless, and things like that).

Anyway thanks for all your responses, it feed my thoughts. 

I don't think it is selfish as long as you explain that to your partner from the start.

Thanks for your answers. Yes, that helps.

1 hour ago, boba said:

But could you mb already have a character in a sexual qpr or non-sexual romantic relationship? 

Hum, now that you said it, maybe she could see them or heard of that briefly, so she can see the relationship without having the label, and think about it. And if I do that, ifshe comes to find them at the end of the story, it will be more natural. Thanks!

1 hour ago, boba said:

Could you have a foreword? Or a glossary that defines aro and ace? So the reader goes in knowing that there's a difference between the two, before the story even starts?

My idea, if I put something like that, would be to have it at the end of the book. So there will be no spoiler. (though now that I think about it, marketing may thought it would be good to sell it as a book with an aro character, so...).

1 hour ago, FaerySilverwings said:

Likewise, having her feel alone and invalid is going to be an important part of her story, but does the story end with her still feeling like the only person in the world who is aro, ace, or both? 

Good, question, I didn't ask it to myself, not in this term. Well, the two possibility could happen, but I like her to feel like not feeling attraction is a valid possibility, so that there is eventually other people like her elsewhere in the world.

1 hour ago, FaerySilverwings said:

(It's actually something I might have to borrow for some of my own writing, considering that so many of my characters end up either aro, ace, or both, but their stories aren't about sexuality or romance in theme or plot, so the subject doesn't really come up naturally in the text itself.)

Yes, that's even more complicated when the story isn't about that at all. I have a character like that in another story (ace, aro I don't know), and it was very difficult to talk about it because it was not relevant and that my character don't really care, it just happens like that, even I knew I was ace myself. I find a way to adress that in a scene, but that's not easy.

Ok for the glossary at the end, true that it can help.

1 hour ago, FaerySilverwings said:

I think this sounds like it'll be a compelling novel once you start writing it! I'd love to hear more about your actual plot, too. Defeating a nasty queen sounds like an adventure!

Thanks. I am only at the begining of the project as I said. That's the story of people who seems to live happily, except that my main character discovers the queen is using them for her own profit. So she tries to expose her and defeat her, with the help of people.

Like that, it doesn't seem very aro lol. It's more in the arc of the character, who notices how everybody goes crazy about boys and girls around her, but not her, and so she questions if she really wants to marry or not. And yes, who need s to get marry when you are able to beat an evil queen?

The survey that linked @kernsing is a bit old now, it would be interesting to make a new one. But yes, the community is a bit young. But we'll get older and it will change lol.