Can't Talk About Being Trans Around Little Siblings (Or Family In General)?

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

So, I don't know if this should've been placed in "Off Topic," but "Sexuality and Gender" also seemed like a good spot, but has anyone else who is trans (or trans-adjacent, or just queer in general) been experiencing this? It's not that you can't talk about being trans around certain family members because it's "shameful," or something that shouldn't be talked about, or that it's something little kids "aren't supposed to know about" or "couldn't understand," but because you're afraid of your little family members accidentally outing you to other people? Living in a Southern State makes it kind of scary to talk about being trans, and it's not that there aren't plenty of trans people, or queer people in general, in the South (I've met quite a few middle-aged-to-elderly transfems at my retail job which is located in a very conservative small town, so huge amounts of respect to those girls), nor am I saying there aren't any accepting folk, but there's plenty of intolerance here, too. I live in Kentucky, and although recently we've been shown to be the most queerest State in the U.S. and we've made governor a trans/queer ally, there are a lot of people who have been supporting politicians that are very transphobic and anti-abortion around here. A transphobic law prohibiting trans kids for seeking out gender affirming healthcare had been passed quite a long while ago, against our current governor's wishes (Drag Queens and Kings have been prohibited from having any shows, and "any female or male impersonators" are to be reported, which includes trans people indefinitely in that statement).

But, I was wondering if anyone else has been going through this kind of experience, regardless if you're trans or not, where it's not necessarily you sharing your experience with your family being the problem or enlightening them about your communities, but instead outside people possibly finding out?

Edited May 26 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[nonmerci]

I think you are not alone in that. When you come out, you not only share information with some people, you also trust these people to treat this information carefully. You are not anymore the only one who can reveal this about you. This can be scary.

[lekhasverse]

I'm cis (I think, but I'm not too worried about that) but this happens to me as someone who's lgbt because I'm just literally not allowed to talk about it in front of my younger brother or younger cousins. Or anyone. Because of the whole "shameful" and "what will the neighbors say" kinda thing but also because I'm going to "ruin" their childhood?? The other day I was playing a video game and the female main character has a female love interest and my cousin was with me. He asked me, "who's that?" when the love interest appeared and dumbass me forgot I was supposed to keep it hetero and I just went, "the girl she's in love with" without thinking. He goes, "How can a girl like a girl?" So I explain to him that plenty of girls like girls and that it's normal. But then the whole day I was just panicking because I was afraid he'd tell his parents (aka my aunt and uncle) what I told him and his parents would come after me. And then my parents would find out and come after me as well (I'm already on their radar on subjects like these ever since I came out to them). I could have said they were friends. Why didn't I say they were friends?

The game I was playing is called Horizon Zero Dawn, the third game to be precise, if anyone's wondering.

Edited May 18 by Leistorm

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 5/17/2024 at 8:06 PM, Leistorm said:

I'm cis (I think, but I'm not too worried about that) but this happens to me as someone who's lgbt because I'm just literally not allowed to talk about it in front of my younger brother or younger cousins. Or anyone. Because of the whole "shameful" and "what will the neighbors say" kinda thing but also because I'm going to "ruin" their childhood?? The other day I was playing a video game and the female main character has a female love interest and my cousin was with me. He asked me, "who's that?" when the love interest appeared and dumbass me forgot I was supposed to keep it hetero and I just went, "the girl she's in love with" without thinking. He goes, "How can a girl like a girl?" So I explain to him that plenty of girls like girls and that it's normal. But then the whole day I was just panicking because I was afraid he'd tell his parents (aka my aunt and uncle) what I told him and his parents would come after me. And then my parents would find out and come after me as well (I'm already on their radar on subjects like these ever since I came out to them). I could have said they were friends. Why didn't I say they were friends?

The game I was playing is called Horizon Zero Dawn, the third game to be precise, if anyone's wondering.

That can be very scary, and I understand that feeling based on how I started this topic, but in my opinion, I find it good that you did state how she loved another girl and that it was normal. If you're really worried about your cousin maybe telling their parents, then you can potentially just tell your cousin that, even if it's been a while since you told them about the lesbian couple. You could tell them that it's normal for men to love men or for women to love women, or for either to like both or no gender at all, but that your cousin's parents don't find that okay, and you would probably have to explain to them why their parents don't find it okay. It's good to have young people question why they never been told about such things, and it's good when they're finally told about queer people in general and that it is %100 normal to be queer. Because, to be honest, little kids who are never told (or just not told as much) about queer people, either because it's seen as "shameful" or in another case it's to actually protect your own family, they will grow up not even knowing that gay people exist and it can be harder to help them learn when they're so much more older. My little siblings already have heteronormative views despite them being literally 8, where they'll say things like, "Girls can't like other girls, or wear boy clothes," and "Boys can't like other boys, and it's weird that they paint their nails." Of course, me and my family will immediately shut those lines of thinking down and say that it's perfectly normal for boys and girls to do that, and so we have kind of told them about gay people, it's just that the topic of trans people is almost taboo only because we are afraid of them telling another kid who's parents may have a problem with it. Transphobes will say all kinds of the things about trans people being creepy and violent, and then will be literally creepy and violent to trans people.

I guess TL;DR, I find it good that you told your cousin about the girl liking another girl, but I understand your fear, and maybe you should express that to your cousin.

[lekhasverse]

On 5/26/2024 at 7:02 AM, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

That can be very scary, and I understand that feeling based on how I started this topic, but in my opinion, I find it good that you did state how she loved another girl and that it was normal. If you're really worried about your cousin maybe telling their parents, then you can potentially just tell your cousin that, even if it's been a while since you told them about the lesbian couple. You could tell them that it's normal for men to love men or for women to love women, or for either to like both or no gender at all, but that your cousin's parents don't find that okay, and you would probably have to explain to them why their parents don't find it okay. It's good to have young people question why they never been told about such things, and it's good when they're finally told about queer people in general and that it is %100 normal to be queer. Because, to be honest, little kids who are never told (or just not told as much) about queer people, either because it's seen as "shameful" or in another case it's to actually protect your own family, they will grow up not even knowing that gay people exist and it can be harder to help them learn when they're so much more older. My little siblings already have heteronormative views despite them being literally 8, where they'll say things like, "Girls can't like other girls, or wear boy clothes," and "Boys can't like other boys, and it's weird that they paint their nails." Of course, me and my family will immediately shut those lines of thinking down and say that it's perfectly normal for boys and girls to do that, and so we have kind of told them about gay people, it's just that the topic of trans people is almost taboo only because we are afraid of them telling another kid who's parents may have a problem with it. Transphobes will say all kinds of the things about trans people being creepy and violent, and then will be literally creepy and violent to trans people.

I guess TL;DR, I find it good that you told your cousin about the girl liking another girl, but I understand your fear, and maybe you should express that to your cousin.

My cousin is around 8, which is very young, and I've been trying to avoid the subject of homophobia because I don't want to expose him to how bad the world is at such a young age. Not to mention I'd just be accused of indoctrinating him or whatever. I know it's not good to shield kids like that because that just makes things worse, but I don't want him to get mad at his parents or something in case they end up being homophobic. I'm afraid of ruining anything for him. I guess the whole "ruining his childhood" thing again. 

Only thing I can do now is try to avoid the subject because I have to keep myself safe. I've already been sort of "othered" in my family and I don't want to make it worse. But going back to your original topic, I also relate to not wanting to be outed to other people. We often have potlucks with family friends where there's lots of little kids, and I don't want my cousin to out me to anyone and then have the adults blame me for corrupting them with my queerness. Whether it's sexuality or even my ideas of gender and gender roles (I have a profound hatred for gender roles that are forced onto me)

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 5/30/2024 at 1:46 AM, Leistorm said:

My cousin is around 8, which is very young, and I've been trying to avoid the subject of homophobia because I don't want to expose him to how bad the world is at such a young age. Not to mention I'd just be accused of indoctrinating him or whatever. I know it's not good to shield kids like that because that just makes things worse, but I don't want him to get mad at his parents or something in case they end up being homophobic. I'm afraid of ruining anything for him. I guess the whole "ruining his childhood" thing again. 

Only thing I can do now is try to avoid the subject because I have to keep myself safe. I've already been sort of "othered" in my family and I don't want to make it worse. But going back to your original topic, I also relate to not wanting to be outed to other people. We often have potlucks with family friends where there's lots of little kids, and I don't want my cousin to out me to anyone and then have the adults blame me for corrupting them with my queerness. Whether it's sexuality or even my ideas of gender and gender roles (I have a profound hatred for gender roles that are forced onto me)

In hindsight, you should do what makes you feel safest and what is actually the most safest, so I'm sorry if I applied any pressure to you about the topic with your cousin. It's not fun feeling and being othered by family as well, which I understand from going to my extended family's reunions, to which now I've stopped attending in the past two years.

I understand not wanting to ruin your cousin's childhood with explaining homophobia, I guess I just got worried about him potentially learning it anyway from his own family, but it's not like it's any of my business, nor should it be your responsibility to try to intervene in any way; and there's also just as a good of a chance that he won't learn that from his parents if his whole entire family treats the word gay as though it's Voldemort's name. He may not be hearing good stuff about queer people or about the normalness of being queer, but at least he wouldn't be hearing anything bad about queer people either. It's good that you brought up the two characters liking each other and how it's normal, and dropping it from there only feels like a natural thing, to be honest.

Edited June 1 by The Newest Fabled Creature