I think I’m aro ace but I don’t know how to feel

[Guest Amelia]

Hi it’s nice to have a community to speak to, I don’t know too many people who identify this way in my life.

Anyway, the only sort of relationship I’ve had was when I was 11. He told me he had a crush on me and I went along with it, believing that I’d felt the same way for him. I was so young at the time so now looking back I’d say this was an experiment and was quite a childish experience. He broke up with me a few weeks later but i felt absolutely nothing. Of course I realised I wasn’t into him as much, I suppose it was just something that I needed to do to try the experience out. Kind of feels a bit stupid now. After that, going to secondary school, I didn’t always attract any attention from guys. I’d always assumed I was straight because that was ‘normalised’ in society.  But overtime, I started to form lots of friendships as opposed to relationships, I’d never talk about guys with my friends and I’d never look to be in a relationship. Most of my friends weren’t in relationships either if I’m being honest. I felt comfortable with them. Going to college, I seemed to be in a different environment. Everyone was in a relationship or was crushing over someone, I felt like I couldn’t relate to their situation at all. Of course I wanted them to be happy but if they start talking about someone who was hot or sexy I just couldn’t see the appeal. I didn’t get the feeling of I just want to rip your clothes of if that makes sense. I didn’t really question my sexuality though, I’d just assumed that I just hadn’t met the right person because I was so inexperienced with relationships, sexually and romantically. But I met this guy  who wanted to take me out for a meal, I liked him but I think it was just as a friend. I’ve taken hundreds of sexuality quizzes and they came back asexual. When I first saw that, it seems to fit with myself but I didn’t want to accept that that was the truth. I tried to convince myself I was heterosexual. I don’t know how my family would react to it and I don’t know how to feel with it myself. I couldn’t sleep because of it, I kept worrying what I would do, what’s my future going to be like without any sexual experiences. How would I have any kids of my own? How could I go through life without a partner? My family would start to realise something was wrong if I wasn’t settled down. People say that I’m not missing out because I don’t feel that way but I kind of feel like I am because I’ll never know what I could’ve had. Don’t know if that makes any sense. But also, I’ve started to wonder whether I’m aromantic as well, if I don’t develop crushes and have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. It feels right but I’m scared to embrace this side of me, I’m starting to come to terms with it slowly. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I’m so uncertain about myself right now. Thanks for taking the time to read this :)

[hemogoblin]

I'm sorry you're feeling isolated and confused! Growing up can be hard enough without these additional stressors.

There is no way you have to feel. You don't even have to understand how you feel. It's okay for your feelings to just exist as they and for you to have whatever feelings about having them. It's okay to be confused. It's okay to not know.

There's also nothing in particular that you have to do. If there's something you want to do (such as talk to your parents about getting therapy, joining a GSA or the like, or even just journal about these feelings), then that's a good thing to start with. If you don't know what you want to do, then that's okay. Don't do anything. Take some more time to process your feelings and just be.

It's okay. You're doing great. There's no one way you have to go about this.

[Holmbo]

Thanks for sharing. Maybe reading on this forum will help you work things out more. You could also read fiction with aro ace characters and see if it resonates with you. Like Loveless or Summer Bird Blue.

[queerestfungi]

Hi, I understand where you’re coming from, it’s fucking terrifying to realise that you’re experiences are the opposite of what you expected. I certainly felt really hopeless about my future for a while, and still do sometimes.

my only advice is to take it slow and think about what makes you happy and comfortable. It doesn’t have to be what you expect. Some aros have platonic partners, some have kids, some live alone etc. It’s all okay you just gotta trust yourself and do what feels right. Your future can be whatever you want it to be.