DaviM703 Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 Recently had my first sexual contact with another human, who seemed like an especially good friend for me. She initiated it while cuddling (made sure I was okay with it) and I really thought it would go okay if I let her since she was poly and seemed really open with both relationships and her body. However, she was trying to get me to climax for a long time without succeeding and was apparently so triggered by some part of the experience that she now feels the need to not see me again and has blocked me everywhere we talked. I don't know how I was supposed to prevent something like this as I was not going to get into a romantic relationship nor was I comfortable with pure hookups with someone I didn't have any other relationship with, and now I've lost what seemed like one of the most special friendships of a quality especially hard to find. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hemogoblin Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 You couldn't have prevented this, this wasn't your fault, you shouldn't feel pressured in this way, and I'm sorry she had this issue and that you've ended up hurt from it. That sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 58 minutes ago, DaviM703 said: However, she was trying to get me to climax for a long time without succeeding and was apparently so triggered by some part of the experience that she now feels the need to not see me again and has blocked me everywhere we talked. I would never have sex with friends because of this, which is a nightmare scenario. Allos just take it way too seriously (not serious in the "responsible behavior" way, which is sometimes rather lacking, but in the "emotional baggage" way). Anyway, I know how it feels when sexual attraction just dissipates into nothingness, and it doesn't have something to do with the other person. Still, I wonder how she could take it so extremely personally. If she's "experienced" she must have encountered such situations. I could only understand this behavior from someone very immature and insecure. Very sad ☹️, I wish you the best, but it's very unlikely she'll change her mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jot-Aro Kujo Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 That's odd. Did she say what exactly it was that triggered her? Speaking as a bi aro myself, I don't think this is at all an issue of allos vs. aros vs. aces or what have you, it sounds like an issue of her personal boundaries and trauma. Unfortunate that this happened but I wouldn't overthink it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted October 20, 2023 Share Posted October 20, 2023 31 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said: That's odd. Did she say what exactly it was that triggered her? Speaking as a bi aro myself, I don't think this is at all an issue of allos vs. aros vs. aces or what have you, it sounds like an issue of her personal boundaries and trauma. Unfortunate that this happened but I wouldn't overthink it. It's strange that a mere lackluster experience should trigger such deeper underlying issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaviM703 Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 (edited) On further thought I don't really think I affirmatively consented because I was so not prepared and kind of felt rushed into the whole thing, felt like she had taken advantage of me and then discarded me because she didn't like it until we actually had another conversation in which I realized that she had felt a sense of obligation because I was having an involuntary physical response because we were cuddling naked for the skin-to-skin contact. She had been conditioned to think that any sexual urges AMAB people felt were her fault as an AFAB person and her ex-husband had expected her to do something about it when he had that physiological response so she was conditioned to think she had to do something about it despite not even wanting to. So basically we engaged in sexual activity neither of us wanted and were both hurt by it. The biggest lasting effect now is that my best friend of 4 years, who I talked to in the few hours after everything happened, hasn't talked to me in the over 3 months since after I expressed violent thoughts that I never would have acted on but that were an expression of how upset I was and how powerless I felt when all this had just happened, and I am genuinely becoming afraid she will never talk to me again. Also, I have pretty much lost the ability to enjoy physical contact which I found very comforting before and have no sense of when I'm ever getting that back. Edited January 24 by DaviM703 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 On 1/24/2024 at 1:26 AM, DaviM703 said: I was having an involuntary physical response because we were cuddling naked for the skin-to-skin contact. There is obviously nothing wrong to regard this as just something sensual. But you can be 100 % sure that people outside the aro-ace community won't understand. Cuddling naked will be categorized as something very sexual or even as foreplay. On 1/24/2024 at 1:26 AM, DaviM703 said: The biggest lasting effect now is that my best friend of 4 years, who I talked to in the few hours after everything happened, hasn't talked to me in the over 3 months since after I expressed violent thoughts that I never would have acted on but that were an expression of how upset I was and how powerless I felt when all this had just happened, and I am genuinely becoming afraid she will never talk to me again. I'm very sorry this happened. It's very risky to talk about mental health problems, especially violent thoughts. Many people don't understand it and come to the wrong conclusions if they don't have experience with it. For example, most laymen can't differentiate between Harm-OCD (characterized by having intrusive fears that one may do violence to someone), which is harmless (because it is caused by pathological doubts, without any real urges), and dangerous homicidal ideation caused by psychosis, which may be acted upon. So one really should be very careful here. Also, many people struggle to keep secrets and suddenly people know about your problems who shouldn't. I absolutely hate this character flaw, but it is pretty common. A therapist OTOH, even if they don't have so high moral standards, will maintain confidentiality just to keep their job. Sorry that I can't give you any more positive advice. I probably didn't tell you anything new. 😔 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaviM703 Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 On 1/28/2024 at 2:17 PM, DeltaAro said: There is obviously nothing wrong to regard this as just something sensual. But you can be 100 % sure that people outside the aro-ace community won't understand. Cuddling naked will be categorized as something very sexual or even as foreplay. She agreed to it not expecting it to be sexual, just then felt a sense of obligation because of my physical response and her past trauma conditioning, she was basically trying to learn to desexualize what the conservative Christian community she had grown up in had taught her was both inherently sexual and wrong, but still had conditioning from it that she hadn't deprogrammed yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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