Conflicting Feelings: What do I care about?

[Lieden]

I am here again because I need an outlet... and don't know a better place. 

I just got back from a party with some friends, it was really fun and mostly was really good for me. However, near the end, my best friend started talking about their partner of 1 year. It started fine, just my bf telling the other friends about their partner. But then my best friend is like "It's crazy cuz like, we're gonna get married." No one seems perturbed by this, one of the other friends asks: "Oh so are you gonna get married right when you're 18?" And my best friend says "When we're 22... it's crazy we have our whole future planned." Every time they bring up their partner it rubs me the wrong way, but today I started thinking about what part of it was making me uncomfortable. I envy the happiness they get from their relationship, but that didn't seem like the main "trigger." It also doesn't seem to be solely the common aromantic sentiment of being left behind (still a small factor though) So then I was like maybe I'm jealous about how certain they are about the future, which seems to be closer but still not the entire story. And then I started wondering if I was feeling bitter that my best friend is confident about a partner who, in my perspective, is a complete stranger. I've met the person, hell I had a fling with them! but that's another story. My point is, I basically know nothing about the partner, and that makes me feel a little bitter. And so here comes the conflicting feelings. I feel bitter about their relationship, but in my head I know I have no right to be so I try and be happy and supportive despite occasionally hoping their relationship fails. But I don't actually want that!! That'd be awful of me! So then I feel guilty for thinking sh*t like that. But all during this I'm basically mourning my relationship with my best friend before it's gone, which eventually makes me feel stupid because my friendship is fine, for now. But there is a sadness that comes with the "being left behind" that it seems a lot of aros feel. 

Anyway there's that.... I'm not necessarily looking for advice or anything.... I guess I needed to just vocalize my feelings

[Holmbo]

I definitely get the "hoping the relationship fails" part. I think it's ok to feel this way as long as we aknowledge it's just one of many feelings. It's like if your friend would move away for her dream job/education. You'd be happy for her but also sad for yourself.

[Ghostflower]

Yeah, I get feelings like those, too, sometimes.  It's hard to figure out how rigorously I should question my own thoughts, like, "You don't really want them to break up, do you?  You value your friend's happiness!"  Sometimes I want to give myself the luxury of thinking a "rude" thought or two, though, you know?  It's not going to hurt anyone to let myself wish things were "back to normal."  Of course, I want to stay supportive of my alloromantic friends, but it's like that Lord of the Rings meme: "After all, why shouldn't I be a little petty in my own head?"  So long as I don't let the thoughts spiral and negatively impact my actions, I'd imagine that acknowledging the extent of my pain and frustrations might actually help.

Best of luck with this situation!  You're not alone in feeling these things, and I hope that navigating these complex emotions becomes easier with time. :)