I’m just worried.

[HelloThere]

 

Oh man. I’m probably not supposed to keep making topics for this but… I’m just in a tough spot right now. My parents could see my history of being on here anytime. It’s impossible to delete all the history on my phone here so I’m just trying to absorb information. I swear no matter what I say, they always say that I was just “obsessed” with two friends of mine that happened to be girls. (I don’t remember any emotional feeling with either, I just enjoyed their presence, and I don’t really have an explanation for some of my past behavior). They always say that I once said “I want to marry that girl and have several kids” despite the fact that I had no actual emotional connection with them besides just being friends.

 

I hate how I have to tell them that I’m not interested at all and they still keep pulling the “it’ll change” card. I’ve told them that it’s pretty abnormal for a teenager not to have feelings for girls at all, especially when I’m nearly 16. I highly doubt that it’ll change, and so much evidence is in my favor. But, if I presented that I’d essentially be coming out, they’d wonder where that came from and it’d all go downhill. I’ve said this before, but everytime they act like I’ll inevitably change, I go into panic mode, because I don’t want to date, I don’t think it’ll change, and I have little reason to believe so.
 

If I’m nearly 16, and my peers have been in love since 1st grade, I can be in 9th and say with a straight face that I don’t like people that way. I remember looking back upon my last “crush” and having no romantic interest whatsoever. I remember viewing them as a good person, and a nice friend, but not someone I want to be in a relationship with. The thought of having a crush on that person didn’t even show up until my parents and family started to jokingly accuse me of having a crush. I spent a while worrying if I did, but most everything I talked about with them was just nerdy stuff and random fun things that we both liked, not a relationship.
 

I may not have any explanation for the other “crush” but I remember no feelings, and just some of the stuff that “couples” do. They say I wanted to marry them, but before I was ignorant of everything, much more, relationships or romantic feelings. I want to tell them everything so bad, but I don’t have the confidence yet, because I’d have to explain where this all came from, and I can’t risk this. I can’t risk losing this place. I can’t risk them destroying all of the mental progress I’ve built simply because they think that it’s inevitable, that a teenager who’s already grown up a lot, simply MUST experience attraction to people. 
 

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for in this post, but seeing all of these people back a few years ago, questioning, I wonder how many of them were right. I wonder how many got to be sure and confirm their suspicions later on. I hope I’m one of them, because life sounds better when I don’t settle down in some nuclear family lifestyle, or better yet, at all. I guess what I’m asking for is: do y’all relate in some way? Do you just wonder if it’ll all change and then I’ll just magically want to stay with someone forever. That doesn’t sound all that fun. I don’t want that, but who here worries as well like this?

[SwiftySpeedy]

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

I hate how I have to tell them that I’m not interested at all and they still keep pulling the “it’ll change” card. I’ve told them that it’s pretty abnormal for a teenager not to have feelings for girls at all,

Tell them and try to explain to your parents that they are in Denial and try to support them through it. 

Also maybe if you want your parents to know how you really feel, just show them this whole giagantic thread and maybe it would finally help them understand that them acting like that "yOu FeEl RoMaNcE" in small snippets overtime can really hurt you.

Hopefully this helps.

Edit: also try to show them this thread in the form of something you wrote on like Notepad or something so your parents don't find this site if they wind up blaming everything you learned about yourself as "SoMe InternEt NonSeNSe"

Edited July 21, 2023 by SwiftySpeedy

[Rackson]

This entire post can be condensed at the bottom in case you don't want to read this entire thing.

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

5I hate how I have to tell them that I’m not interested at all and they still keep pulling the “it’ll change” card.

Hey, I understand the situation you are in pretty well because I am in a very similar situation. I am a junior in high school as well and I keep being told that "I will change once I meet the right person", and that makes constantly worry that all I don't know who I am. So first of all, you are not alone in thinking/worrying about this. 

We are different in one regard, that being that I have only ever had one romantic interest in my entire life, and it was over 10 years ago. All other people that I had a crush on have been psuedo-romantic crushes, where I put up an act to fit in with society. But in reality I don't want to date those people one bit. I used to go by psuedo-romantic but realized that I fit into several more micro-labels for aromanticism. Though our experience of aromanticism may be different, we are still both experiencing it. And no-one should be able to tell you what you are feeling, because they are not you. You are you, and you know you better than anyone else.

A wise teacher of mine told our class one day about the circle of control. The circle of control is used to help people realize what they can and can't control, and I think that it applies to this post. 

Circle of influence: 

As you can see here on the image there are two circles, the outer one being things you CANNOT control, the inner circle is things you CAN control. In your case, your emotions, thoughts, identities, and actions are the only thing that you can control. And the outer circle is literally everything else, this includes: other peoples opinions (your parent's), other peoples actions towards you or others, and other people's personal beliefs. 

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

I can’t risk losing this place. I can’t risk them destroying all of the mental progress I’ve built simply because they think that it’s inevitable, that a teenager who’s already grown up a lot, simply MUST experience attraction to people. 

And when I am in a situation like yours, I try and remind myself about this circle. I try and tell myself that "Your feelings and thoughts are your own, you can't control what others think and believe, and they cannot control your thoughts". But this doesn't always work, there will always be times where someone will say something like "Oh you will just love someone when you are older" or "You are just lying to yourself" and those thoughts sneak their way into my brain and make me question the many months of thought and self reflection I have put into this.

I am also scared that other people's input will change the countless hours of self reflection that I have done. 

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

The thought of having a crush on that person didn’t even show up until my parents and family started to jokingly accuse me of having a crush.

This happens with me as well, going back to what I said before, all the times that I have supposedly had "romantic feelings" for a person, it comes from the idea and pressure that says "Well, all my other guy friends have girl crushes. So I better get one." and that is not a healthy thing to think. This is a classic case of overthinking things, overthinking is a habit that everyone does, and almost always results in you mentally beating yourself up more than helping you solve a problem or question. It's not a flaw in your personality, but makes people think or do flawed things. 

Sorry for making this post so long and essay sounding, I still have school brain lol. 

But this entire post can be condensed to two sentences: It's scary trying to figure out who you are, and other people's opinions make it worse. And you know you best, if you know something about your personality, you are most likely right.🤎

 

[HelloThere]

54 minutes ago, SwiftySpeedy said:

Tell them and try to explain to your parents that they are in Denial and try to support them through it. 

Also maybe if you want your parents to know how you really feel, just show them this whole giagantic thread and maybe it would finally help them understand that them acting like that "yOu FeEl RoMaNcE" in small snippets overtime can really hurt you.

Hopefully this helps.

Edit: also try to show them this thread in the form of something you wrote on like Notepad or something so your parents don't find this site if they wind up blaming everything you learned about yourself as "SoMe InternEt NonSeNSe"

If I outright said “I think you’re in denial” with my parents, they’d most definitely wonder where that comes from. How would I sum up this thread though? I did already record my past thoughts in a notebook, and I think it should kinda be useable, but it also includes a confession about the whole thing, dating back to before I realized I was ace as well. Either way I see very little way where doing that would go well for me down the road. They’re good parents, but on this type of thing they can be dismissive as heck. 

[Rackson]

4 minutes ago, HelloThere said:

They’re good parents, but on this type of thing they can be dismissive as heck. 

Yeah, my parents are the exact same way. That is why I haven't told them :/

[HelloThere]

28 minutes ago, Rackson said:

This entire post can be condensed at the bottom in case you don't want to read this entire thing.

Hey, I understand the situation you are in pretty well because I am in a very similar situation. I am a junior in high school as well and I keep being told that "I will change once I meet the right person", and that makes constantly worry that all I don't know who I am. So first of all, you are not alone in thinking/worrying about this. 

We are different in one regard, that being that I have only ever had one romantic interest in my entire life, and it was over 10 years ago. All other people that I had a crush on have been psuedo-romantic crushes, where I put up an act to fit in with society. But in reality I don't want to date those people one bit. I used to go by psuedo-romantic but realized that I fit into several more micro-labels for aromanticism. Though our experience of aromanticism may be different, we are still both experiencing it. And no-one should be able to tell you what you are feeling, because they are not you. You are you, and you know you better than anyone else.

A wise teacher of mine told our class one day about the circle of control. The circle of control is used to help people realize what they can and can't control, and I think that it applies to this post. 

Circle of influence: 

As you can see here on the image there are two circles, the outer one being things you CANNOT control, the inner circle is things you CAN control. In your case, your emotions, thoughts, identities, and actions are the only thing that you can control. And the outer circle is literally everything else, this includes: other peoples opinions (your parent's), other peoples actions towards you or others, and other people's personal beliefs. 

And when I am in a situation like yours, I try and remind myself about this circle. I try and tell myself that "Your feelings and thoughts are your own, you can't control what others think and believe, and they cannot control your thoughts". But this doesn't always work, there will always be times where someone will say something like "Oh you will just love someone when you are older" or "You are just lying to yourself" and those thoughts sneak their way into my brain and make me question the many months of thought and self reflection I have put into this.

I am also scared that other people's input will change the countless hours of self reflection that I have done. 

This happens with me as well, going back to what I said before, all the times that I have supposedly had "romantic feelings" for a person, it comes from the idea and pressure that says "Well, all my other guy friends have girl crushes. So I better get one." and that is not a healthy thing to think. This is a classic case of overthinking things, overthinking is a habit that everyone does, and almost always results in you mentally beating yourself up more than helping you solve a problem or question. It's not a flaw in your personality, but makes people think or do flawed things. 

Sorry for making this post so long and essay sounding, I still have school brain lol. 

But this entire post can be condensed to two sentences: It's scary trying to figure out who you are, and other people's opinions make it worse. And you know you best, if you know something about your personality, you are most likely right.🤎

 

Yeah, you’re right it’s just that I may not be in their sphere of influence, but I’m definitely in their sphere of control. I get that they can’t control how things go, but all they’re doing is just make me doubt myself and fuel some part of me that wants to prove them wrong. It sucks, and even though there’s mountains of proof I still end up doubting stuff. The thing is that before this, I never questioned anything, I thought I had crushes before, and crushes more recently. All of them weren’t, yet I still doubt myself all the time. 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I think it would be beneficial for you to try to remember that your identity exists for you. Not for anyone else. It's not out of the question that it will change someday, and if it does, that's ok. If it doesn't? That's also ok, and it's 100% your right to use whatever terminology is most helpful to you right now. Your feelings and experiences don't exist to prove some sort of point- You're here because you're here, and that's all. At the end of the day, people are always going to try to project their own expectations onto you; I mean, there's people who would say that because I'm latina, I must be very romantic (I'm not) or because I'm latina I must be bisexual (I am), but at the end of the day, neither of these things have any influence over my identity and they don't matter.

You have to let yourself exist for yourself, and stop worrying about what other people think, because if you live your life trying to be one thing or another just to prove other people wrong you're going to end up constraining yourself to the point of being miserable. Just be you. And if that means being aro, that's awesome, but I see you're clinging so hard to this that you're second-guessing yourself. That's not a healthy way to think about yourself. Just relax, and let yourself feel whatever you feel or don't feel without worrying about it.