Am I on the aplatonic spectrum?

[Fox]

Hi all, I want to talk about my platonic attraction and see if I fit into the aplatonic spectrum. First and foremost I apologize for the length of this post, there's a lot I want to talk about.

To start, very rarely, I’ll feel a desire to be friends with someone I just met. It’s like a “we click” feeling and I want to further our relationship. So in that sense to do feel some platonic attraction. But with the friends and family I do have, I don’t miss specific people. I’ll feel lonely if I’m alone for too long but that threshold is very high, and I don’t know what it feels like to miss a specific person. I don’t initiate hang-outs that often either. I’m told I’m too distant/absent so I have to make a deliberate action to initiate, even when it doesn’t feel really natural to me. I still very much desire friends and family and human connection in general, and I deeply love them and don’t want to be without them. I enjoy hanging out with my friends most of the time, too, and I love physical affection. I just don’t seem to have that same consistent, internal drive to drive me to maintain a friendship with a specific person, and not a very strong one to initiate one either.

And where would jealousy fall into this? I’ve only felt jealous once in my entire life. It was when my former-best friend became closer with another close friend of mine. We're all still friends, but I felt hurt. This makes me wonder if I do indeed feel platonic attraction towards my former-best friend. It’s difficult for me to sort out my feelings about her, but I know it feels weird for me to say “I miss you” to her, like I’m lying. (Note: we're long-distance.) I have had difficulty staying in contact with her for the past several years but we’ve managed to push through and still be friends. There are times when I want to be friends with her and hang out more, and there I times when I don’t. But that falls into a general feeling I sometimes get of not wanting to have friends, sometimes directed toward a specific person. I’ll elaborate on that. There are usually a few scenarios that lead me to desire to be solitary, which are 1.) there’s drama going on among my friends, and/or people are venting to me. It feels exhausting to feel like I have to take care of this person in that moment and I don’t always want to know everything that’s going on their life. It makes me wonder if friendships are really worth it. 2.) I hang out with them too much or on the wrong day. Sometimes I go through phases where I can’t stand to be around my friends, but I pretend everything is fine, and afterwards I feel this horrible sick feeling like I want to wrench something out of my body. It’s really confusing, and I don’t understand why I feel like that. I know I’d hate to be solitary most of the time because I’d get lonely, but sometimes I just can’t stand having bonds with people. Maybe it’s a mental/emotional thing I need to work through, I don’t know.

So I’m wondering if I may be on the aplatonic spectrum, as I seem to fluctuate between mildly wanting to be friends with or be closer with someone, to feeling like every relationship is exhausting to maintain, and sometimes that it’s a repulsive thing in my life I need to get rid of. I will add that I find using the term "attraction" to describe my love for my friends a little uncomfortable. Even the word "platonic" I'm not so comfortable with. I just simply love them, that's it. What are your thoughts on my situation? Is there a word for fluctuating attraction? Or is it all just a mental problem I need to work through, like a fear of close relationships?

Thank you.

[nonmerci]

20 minutes ago, Fox said:

Is there a word for fluctuating attraction?

There is aceflux and aroflux for sexual and romantic attraction. For platonic attraction, I find platonicflux or aplatonicflux.

There is also cupioplatonic if you desire platonic connections but don't feel platonic attraction. That's a possibility too from what you said.

[Fox]

43 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

There is aceflux and aroflux for sexual and romantic attraction. For platonic attraction, I find platonicflux or aplatonicflux.

There is also cupioplatonic if you desire platonic connections but don't feel platonic attraction. That's a possibility too from what you said.

Thank you! I'll look into these terms.

[hemogoblin]

Things you need to do to adopt a label:

• Use the label

Things you do not need to do:

• Pass a test
• Get voted in by a committee
• Go through a hazing to prove you really want it
• Get a diagnosis
• Prove your identity in a court of law
• Wait a specific amount of time
• Defend a thesis on why you're the identity in front of a panel of judges

Are you apl/aplspec? I don't know. Are you? Is aplatonic a useful label for you? Do you want to use it? Do you relate to it? Would it help you communicate whatever it is you want to communicate to others? Those are the questions you need to consider. If any ONE of them leads to you identifying as aplatonic, that's enough. If you just want to try the label to see how it fits for no other particular reason, that's enough.

Identity categories are not boxes we inherently fall into or don't. Labels are simply tools of communication. They are massive simplifications of vast, complex, confusing human experiences. People may identify with multiple, seemingly contradictory, categories. They may sometimes relate to a label, sometimes not. They may choose to use one label even though another may technically fit them better for any variety of reasons. Identity is about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS. Not about innately fitting into a specific, rigid, and neat category.

[Fox]

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Things you need to do to adopt a label:

• Use the label

Things you do not need to do:

• Pass a test
• Get voted in by a committee
• Go through a hazing to prove you really want it
• Get a diagnosis
• Prove your identity in a court of law
• Wait a specific amount of time
• Defend a thesis on why you're the identity in front of a panel of judges

Are you apl/aplspec? I don't know. Are you? Is aplatonic a useful label for you? Do you want to use it? Do you relate to it? Would it help you communicate whatever it is you want to communicate to others? Those are the questions you need to consider. If any ONE of them leads to you identifying as aplatonic, that's enough. If you just want to try the label to see how it fits for no other particular reason, that's enough.

Identity categories are not boxes we inherently fall into or don't. Labels are simply tools of communication. They are massive simplifications of vast, complex, confusing human experiences. People may identify with multiple, seemingly contradictory, categories. They may sometimes relate to a label, sometimes not. They may choose to use one label even though another may technically fit them better for any variety of reasons. Identity is about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS. Not about innately fitting into a specific, rigid, and neat category.

Thank you so much for this, it was really insightful.

I do feel that apl/aplsec is very helpful to me for describing how I feel about my friends. I always knew something was off about my friendships, and just never had the words to describe the "off feeling" until now. But then arises the conflict of telling them. I worry they will be hurt by me feeling differently towards them, even though I really do love them. Am I obligated to tell them in any way? I will be transitioning to a different stage of life soon, and thus won't see them as often, which works great for me. I'm not very comfortable with where some of my friendships are at the moment, but I don't want to completely loose contact, so I'm hoping that this transition works as a natural way for me to drift and adjust the friendship level to something I'm more comfortable with. Is it wrong of me to do this without explaining? 

[hemogoblin]

1 hour ago, Fox said:

I do feel that apl/aplsec is very helpful to me for describing how I feel about my friends. I always knew something was off about my friendships, and just never had the words to describe the "off feeling" until now.

Then use it! And yes, I felt/feel very similarly and ID as aplatonic.

1 hour ago, Fox said:

Am I obligated to tell them in any way?

You're not obligated to give anyone personal information for any reason (though it's probably a good idea in many legal situations).

1 hour ago, Fox said:

Is it wrong of me to do this without explaining? 

Communicating is great! But a lot of communication is all nonverbal. Simply pulling back from the relationships will be communicating this to them just as clearly. As a social species, that's to be expected. You do not need to explain ahead of time that you're planning on pulling back from the relationship. Maybe they are, too, at least at some point. Or maybe you'll all discover that this just happens naturally with physical space anyway.

[Fox]

1 hour ago, hemogoblin said:

Communicating is great! But a lot of communication is all nonverbal. Simply pulling back from the relationships will be communicating this to them just as clearly. As a social species, that's to be expected. You do not need to explain ahead of time that you're planning on pulling back from the relationship. Maybe they are, too, at least at some point. Or maybe you'll all discover that this just happens naturally with physical space anyway.

That makes a lot of sense. I'm hoping to be mindful of what makes me uncomfortable in a friendship, and avoiding that, while still trying to maintain what does make me comfortable/happy. Thank you so much for your advice, it was very helpful!