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I'm still having a little doubt


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Idk. Something got me thinking (Ik I think a lot, ok-) about my past with having "crushes." What if they were crushes? That's ok. I know, I don't have to think so hard about this. In the past there was this:

- Thinking someone looked cute

- Wanting to be affectionate (although, if I can remember as accurate as possible, I don't think that occurred a lot, other than wanting hugs)

- Wanting to date them, because everyone else was dating and I wanted to fit in, remembering how desperate I was to find someone to date, yet no one wanted to date me, completely ignoring whether I wanted to date someone or not

- Wanting to date people who I was friends with, because they were awesome and had a great personality, y'know friend qualities, and I thought that liking someone's personality meant I was in love/had a crush, but then again that might not have meant a thing

-One time wanting to kiss my lady friend, kinda badly, probably due to curiosity

- Forced myself into relationships I didn't want

- Once entering those relationships I wanted out

- Only enjoying the sensual parts of a romantic relationship, cause that seemed to be the only thing I wanted, other than getting to know them

- Being repulsed by french kissing, and romance in general

-Rarely fantasizing/dreaming about marriage and dating, until I started questioning my orientation, then I would think of it a little too much, to see if I liked a gender that way, or if I thought I figured it out, I would fantasize too much, and want romantic things with that gender, and I would fantasize so much, that I got burned out

- At one time, I stopped being infatuated by the idea of finding someone, and became fine and liked the idea of being single, and that made me feel free, and happy

- Identified as Bi and Pan at times

- Became interested, and connected with aromanticism and the aromantic-spectrum, though at the time I didn't know why exactly

- Feels isolated from alloromantic identites, as if I were an outcast

- Easily experiences sensual and platonic attraction

-It felt like a chore to be in a relationship like that

-Felt I couldn't reciprocate the other persons feelings

And now:

- Liking and feeling a sense of community with the aro-spec

- Unable to understand romantic attraction, and the definitions I get only confuse me more, since there are too many

- Not able to tell if my past "crushes" were romantic crushes or queerplatonic crushes, or platonic squishes

- Doesn't want a romantic relationship

- Doesn't see my gf as a romantic partner, even though we're dating

- Prefers making friends over starting relationships

- Hates how much romance is in the media

-  Wishing not to experience romantic attraction, because, as confusing as it is, it seems gross

- Can imagine being aromantic in the future

- Is fine with the idea of never falling in love romantically/feeling romantic attraction

- Realizing how stupid it was for me to be so desperate to find a romantic partner, just to fit in

- Faking a couple of crushes

- Mistaking aesthetic and sensual attraction for crushes

-Romantic fantasies seem so much more better in my head then in real life

- Not able to tell if someone has a crush on me (even though this might not count)

- Relating to a lot of other signs in another topic on Arocalypse

- Having to look up "Do I have a crush or not?" because it's that difficult

-Experiencing signs similar to that of a romantic crush, however, it's towards friends, and others in a non-romantic context

- Thinking marriage and romantic relationships are stupid and pointless, and not understanding either of those things, especially marriage since it seems like all you do in marriage is yell at one another

- Not wanting marriage

-Tbh, I match a lot of signs of not experiencing romantic attraction

- Wanting the aro flag to be my flag


I'm sorry for bothering you all. I just feel like I can't be aro, and I don't know why. I feel like a misfit, even in the aro/aro-spec community. I'm full of a lot of insecurity. Is this normal?

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Normality doesn't really exist, so I can't answer your question. What I would say is :

- as an aro, I have lots of common points with you. That doesn't have to mean anything : I love pasta. Everyone that loves past isn't aro

- your orientation, or at least the label that you put on it, depends on what you want it to be. If you feel comfortable on the aro spectrum, just go for it, you don't need ANYONE to validate or invalidate you. Also aromantism is a spectrum, there are plenty of possibilities. Although, if you don't think that's for you, you can also search a little more for something that fits you better, or keep the searching for later and just not label yourself. The most important is how YOU feel it.  

Oh and things change. You can just identify as something right now and change later

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As Atypique put perfectly, your label should absolutely be what you feel most comfortable or right identifying as. There are a million different aro- specs, and a million different experiences for each and every person. You know yourself best (Though I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it!), and honestly, if you are questioning exactly where you fit in, that's ok. You don't need to share every experience that other people relate to.

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8 hours ago, The Lost One said:

I'm sorry for bothering you all. I just feel like I can't be aro, and I don't know why. I feel like a misfit, even in the aro/aro-spec community. I'm full of a lot of insecurity. Is this normal?

Here's the little secret. No one is sure. No one can be sure. Feelings are fleeting, and we live in a world that SUPER PRESSURES us to be allo & hetero. So if you have ANY feelings whatsoever that differ from the expected default, you'll struggle with self-gaslighting and/or queer imposter syndrome. This is only a big deal because there's so much pressure to just be allo & het. Society makes you feel like you have to be able to prove your identity in a court of law, have to have known since you were a baby, and be 100% confident and 0% unsure at all times all the time to be even semi-accepted as valid. Coming out means getting questioned and doubted and pressured to conform, so we lose sight of the fact that no one knows. The only reason some people are so 'sure' of their identity is because they fit in enough with the norm that they don't have to spend so much time introspecting on their identity. The more time we're forced to introspect and "be sure", the more doubt it creates because how can anyone even be sure, actually? The harder you think about it, the more you'll doubt. It's like when you've forgotten something - the harder you think about it, the more it's likely to slip away. Or, the more you try not to think about something, the more you'll think about it. The harder you try to prove to yourself that you're 100%, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, absolutely, positively [x] identity you are, the more you'll doubt it because there is no way to prove you know for sure. Feelings just don't work like that.

Doubt is normal. Doubt is healthy. Doubt does not invalidate you. It just means you're human.

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