adrianparty Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 Hello, I think I need advice, I'm not sure... So, I have this friend, we've been friends for close to four years and we have so many things in common, it almost feels like we are the same person in different fonts haha. I'm like 98.9% sure she likes me and wants to be with me and to be honest a while ago I thought I did like her, almost like in a qpr way??? See we are in a friend group of four, our other two friends started dating and when they did this friend and I became closer, at the time I thought maybe I just thought I liked her because I wanted what our friends had so I just kinda forgot about it (I have really bad object permeance because of my AuDHD) Now after quite a few months I've started thinking if I like her and if I want to be in a QPR with her, we are very close, we have the same interest and we always go to each other about them, we listen to each other talk about our interests and seeing her happy makes me so happy. She's one of the first friends I've ever felt comfortable confiding in and felt comfortable asking for help (I usually am not the type to ask someone for help). We facetime a lot and can easily sit in a comfortable silence and do our own thing (we both are AuDHD), also some of her habits that she does that would usually overstimulate(? i dont want to say annoy) me don't at all, none of it phases me. The past week I've been thinking about how I may like her, ideally, I think I could easily move in with her and spend the rest of my life with her. But my problem is that I'm worried that I may just realize I don't like her and ruin everything. I'm also scared because I keep overthinking that I may just think I like her because I want to be close to someone or that I just want to make her happy because I'm very sure she likes me. and also I'm aromantic and she's alloromantic so I dont know if she would be willing to do a qpr. She knows about QPRs, we've talked about them and she's very opening and accepting. I'm also worried because I think she wants me to love her back in a romantic way, but I don't want to feel like i'm leading her on or making her sad because I may like her in a different way, like in a QPR way I've thought of giving it awhile to think about but I just know I'll keep running in these circles, so I thought I'd come here and as for advice on idk what lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EternallyTBD Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 7 hours ago, adrianparty said: and also I'm aromantic and she's alloromantic so I dont know if she would be willing to do a qpr. She knows about QPRs, we've talked about them and she's very opening and accepting. I'm also worried because I think she wants me to love her back in a romantic way, but I don't want to feel like i'm leading her on or making her sad because I may like her in a different way, like in a QPR way I completely get this. And I think if you were to move forward into a QPR with her it might not be easy to be open and communicative about the kind of relationship you both need but it is possible and might help. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hemogoblin Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 What if you tried thinking about some logistical questions beyond "should I confess I want a QPR to her?" Here are some things to consider that may help you make a decision either way: What do you see as the difference between a friendship and a queerplatonic relationship with her? Fundamentally, what things do you see changing/want to change with this label? How long would you need to experience these feelings for in order to feel comfortable that they were longer-term? If she said no, what might you need in order to be able to navigate keeping the friendship in face of the rejection? If she said yes but things ultimately didn't work out, what might you need in order to foster healing so that the friendship could be maintained (including needing to take a certain amount of space apart)? And recognize that if you move forward, these are all questions she should ask herself (her questions might have more of a tint on the difference between romantic and queerplatonic for her, which may bring up some boundaries to exist between you two in order to keep things from being perceived as romantic) as well so you two can better discuss if such a change is desired or not. Good luck! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adrianparty Posted February 22, 2023 Author Share Posted February 22, 2023 1 hour ago, hemogoblin said: What if you tried thinking about some logistical questions beyond "should I confess I want a QPR to her?" Here are some things to consider that may help you make a decision either way: What do you see as the difference between a friendship and a queerplatonic relationship with her? Fundamentally, what things do you see changing/want to change with this label? How long would you need to experience these feelings for in order to feel comfortable that they were longer-term? If she said no, what might you need in order to be able to navigate keeping the friendship in face of the rejection? If she said yes but things ultimately didn't work out, what might you need in order to foster healing so that the friendship could be maintained (including needing to take a certain amount of space apart)? And recognize that if you move forward, these are all questions she should ask herself (her questions might have more of a tint on the difference between romantic and queerplatonic for her, which may bring up some boundaries to exist between you two in order to keep things from being perceived as romantic) as well so you two can better discuss if such a change is desired or not. Good luck! This is really helpful, thank you so much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holmbo Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 I'm thinking that regardless of what you do you can talk about your feelings. You could ask her if she has romantic feelings for you and tell her about your feelings for her and that you feel uncertain about them. Talk about what kind of activities you would like to do and if you want it to be exclusive. Have you seen the relationship anarchy smorgasbord? That can be useful 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adrianparty Posted February 22, 2023 Author Share Posted February 22, 2023 8 hours ago, Holmbo said: I'm thinking that regardless of what you do you can talk about your feelings. You could ask her if she has romantic feelings for you and tell her about your feelings for her and that you feel uncertain about them. Talk about what kind of activities you would like to do and if you want it to be exclusive. Have you seen the relationship anarchy smorgasbord? That can be useful i haven’t, i’ll definitely check it out, thank you so much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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