Context: I'm ace, and have been identifying as quoiromantic for a while now. Also have some mental health issues (anxiety, intrusive thoughts), which isn't helping with everything.
7 years ago I met a girl and we immediately just clicked, it was like we'd been friends for ages and I wanted to know her and hang out with her. We both really liked each other and used to meet up two or three times a week and spend hours together chatting and watching movies together, and we both later said that we would have asked each other out, except that she was moving back home after that year, which was halfway across the world, so we didn't. But for the next 6 years we hung out online, and we used to talk every day, and I'd miss her and be really excited to talk to her, and all that. It's like I liked her as a friend, but also in a queer way (maybe alterous attraction? I don't know, hence quoiromantic. But it was additional to the squishes I'd had before).
We finally met in person again at Christmas, and at first it was great, I was excited to see her and it was really comfortable and it made me feel all bubbly and happy. So I asked her out (incidentally she was about to ask me out haha) and she said she felt the same way. She demi-romantic and is in love with me, though not hugely romantic in the amatonormative way (like her idea of romance is going on a walk together or whatever, not like, candlelit dinner and kissing).
All this was great for about 2 hours, and then all I felt was dread and anxiety. I knew I'd had to say something, because we'd been will we-won't we for like 7 years, but I wished I hadn't said anything. All the excitement and joy just disappeared, and it really scared me. I didn't know if it was fear of intimacy and commitment, or if I had been lying to myself the whole time, or if I just didn't like her anymore, and I was worried I'd lose her and thought I was a terrible person. I completely stopped being able to even tell what my emotions were, or trust what I was feeling. Basically, it sucked, and it kind of still does - I liked those feelings, and now they're gone. I discovered the term lithromantic, which I guess describes what happened quite well, but I don't want to be lithromantic. It would be so much easier and less terrifying if I still felt for her what she feels for me.
She's been really good about it, and I said I think maybe I'm actually aromantic, and she's happy to have a QPR with me in the future, when she moves over here (we're back to long distance atm, which really doesn't help with figuring out how we fit together). And we discussed what that would be like (sort of committed roomates who are very much seperate people but who walk through life side by side and hang out because we want to). She said she just wants me in her life somehow, and it doesn't matter if that's platonic or romantic. But I'm still really anxious, and I feel guilty. She says she doesn't expect me to reciprocate her romantic feelings for me, but even so I feel uncomfortable, and I feel bad because like she's always excited to talk to me and says I'm her favourite person and everything, and for me she's my best friend and I care about her and don't want to lose her, but also I don't even love her in a friend way. I've never loved anyone in a friend way - the only people in my life I feel like I love are my parents. I care about her, but it's not love, for me. And the excitement that I used to have is gone. So I feel bad, even though logically I know neither of us can help what we feel, and neither of us are wrong.
I still like spending time with her, but now we've talked about it, I feel pressured, like I have to act a certain way. Like, I want to hug her or message her or whatever because I care and I want to, not because I feel like I have to, or because she expects me to. But it's not even her pressuring me necessarily, at least definitely not on purpose, it's me. I don't know how to stop it though. Before she said all the stuff about me being her favourite person and seeing our hanging out as dates, I was less anxious, but now I'll be hanging out with her, and suddenly I'll go from enjoying myself to feeling dread and wanting to leave, and I'm scared. Or because we normally talk every day, I feel like we have to talk every day, and so I don't want to turn my phone on because then I'll have to. Or I'll be laughing, but instead of having fun it feels like I'm just acting out a script, and it isn't actually me. Which sucks, because I like her! I just want it to be comfortable again, so I can enjoy spending time with my best friend without freaking out about romance. I don't want to lose her, and if I do, I feel like it will be my feelings driving us apart.
It doesn't help that since I've been reading up on this, I've been wondering how much of me even wanting a 'person', whether thats a romantic partner or a QPR, and how much is it that I just don't want to be alone, and that's the only way in society you can guarantee you won't be alone.
I've told her a fair amount of this already, but it's hard because we're going to be apart for ages again. I feel like if we had immediately moved in together or whatever after having our conversation, we'd be able to figure out what works for us and it'd be ok, but now it feels like this is going to be hanging over me for the next 2 years til we meet in person again.
Anyway, that was really long, but if this resonates with anyone else, or anyone has any advice, I'd be really grateful.
You are posting as a guest.
If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.
Question
Anonymous
Context: I'm ace, and have been identifying as quoiromantic for a while now. Also have some mental health issues (anxiety, intrusive thoughts), which isn't helping with everything.
7 years ago I met a girl and we immediately just clicked, it was like we'd been friends for ages and I wanted to know her and hang out with her. We both really liked each other and used to meet up two or three times a week and spend hours together chatting and watching movies together, and we both later said that we would have asked each other out, except that she was moving back home after that year, which was halfway across the world, so we didn't. But for the next 6 years we hung out online, and we used to talk every day, and I'd miss her and be really excited to talk to her, and all that. It's like I liked her as a friend, but also in a queer way (maybe alterous attraction? I don't know, hence quoiromantic. But it was additional to the squishes I'd had before).
We finally met in person again at Christmas, and at first it was great, I was excited to see her and it was really comfortable and it made me feel all bubbly and happy. So I asked her out (incidentally she was about to ask me out haha) and she said she felt the same way. She demi-romantic and is in love with me, though not hugely romantic in the amatonormative way (like her idea of romance is going on a walk together or whatever, not like, candlelit dinner and kissing).
All this was great for about 2 hours, and then all I felt was dread and anxiety. I knew I'd had to say something, because we'd been will we-won't we for like 7 years, but I wished I hadn't said anything. All the excitement and joy just disappeared, and it really scared me. I didn't know if it was fear of intimacy and commitment, or if I had been lying to myself the whole time, or if I just didn't like her anymore, and I was worried I'd lose her and thought I was a terrible person. I completely stopped being able to even tell what my emotions were, or trust what I was feeling. Basically, it sucked, and it kind of still does - I liked those feelings, and now they're gone. I discovered the term lithromantic, which I guess describes what happened quite well, but I don't want to be lithromantic. It would be so much easier and less terrifying if I still felt for her what she feels for me.
She's been really good about it, and I said I think maybe I'm actually aromantic, and she's happy to have a QPR with me in the future, when she moves over here (we're back to long distance atm, which really doesn't help with figuring out how we fit together). And we discussed what that would be like (sort of committed roomates who are very much seperate people but who walk through life side by side and hang out because we want to). She said she just wants me in her life somehow, and it doesn't matter if that's platonic or romantic. But I'm still really anxious, and I feel guilty. She says she doesn't expect me to reciprocate her romantic feelings for me, but even so I feel uncomfortable, and I feel bad because like she's always excited to talk to me and says I'm her favourite person and everything, and for me she's my best friend and I care about her and don't want to lose her, but also I don't even love her in a friend way. I've never loved anyone in a friend way - the only people in my life I feel like I love are my parents. I care about her, but it's not love, for me. And the excitement that I used to have is gone. So I feel bad, even though logically I know neither of us can help what we feel, and neither of us are wrong.
I still like spending time with her, but now we've talked about it, I feel pressured, like I have to act a certain way. Like, I want to hug her or message her or whatever because I care and I want to, not because I feel like I have to, or because she expects me to. But it's not even her pressuring me necessarily, at least definitely not on purpose, it's me. I don't know how to stop it though. Before she said all the stuff about me being her favourite person and seeing our hanging out as dates, I was less anxious, but now I'll be hanging out with her, and suddenly I'll go from enjoying myself to feeling dread and wanting to leave, and I'm scared. Or because we normally talk every day, I feel like we have to talk every day, and so I don't want to turn my phone on because then I'll have to. Or I'll be laughing, but instead of having fun it feels like I'm just acting out a script, and it isn't actually me. Which sucks, because I like her! I just want it to be comfortable again, so I can enjoy spending time with my best friend without freaking out about romance. I don't want to lose her, and if I do, I feel like it will be my feelings driving us apart.
It doesn't help that since I've been reading up on this, I've been wondering how much of me even wanting a 'person', whether thats a romantic partner or a QPR, and how much is it that I just don't want to be alone, and that's the only way in society you can guarantee you won't be alone.
I've told her a fair amount of this already, but it's hard because we're going to be apart for ages again. I feel like if we had immediately moved in together or whatever after having our conversation, we'd be able to figure out what works for us and it'd be ok, but now it feels like this is going to be hanging over me for the next 2 years til we meet in person again.
Anyway, that was really long, but if this resonates with anyone else, or anyone has any advice, I'd be really grateful.
Link to comment
Share on other sites
2 answers to this question
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.