I might just be an awful person

[Guest Ebbe]

Hello, help me :) I have hurt so many people including myself and I don't know if I have a severe relationship phobia or if I'm aromantic. I get a crush on every one I find attractive and if someone likes me back I kinda like that I think, but then when it gets real I pull myself away and lead that person on cause my feelings come and go a lot and then we're just both confused. This has happened multiple times. I don't know the difference between friendship feelings and love feelings and why people don't just say when they like someone so I've just done that and then when they say they like me back I've just been scared and then all my feelings just poof. It's been like I've been completely sure that I like someone and then all my feelings just disappeared. So now I just don't do anything cause I don't understand what's real and I'm scared help, please. Because I think I have had crushes but it might have just been because of their attractiveness, or no it has definitely only been because pf that I think yes. :) 

[hemogoblin]

Hurt is a part of life and relationships. It will be unavoidable. Things you can do to minimize hurt to you and to the any other involved person:

• Communicate what is going on instead of just pulling away or ghosting them. If that communication is a breaking it off, that's fine! If that communication is that your feelings have lessened but you do want to keep trying a relationship with them if they're open to it, that's fine! But communicate instead of making the other person guess at what is going on.
• Stop and consider what you want. Are you interested in a romantic relationship if there are no romantic feelings? Or is the lack of romantic feelings a deal breaker in a romantic relationship for you? Answering questions like these may help you feel better able to handle these situations and know what it is you want to do. Instead of focusing on trying to control your feelings, instead focus on your desires. What do you want?
• Look into lithromantic, idemromantic, quoiromantic, frayromantic, and alterous attraction which may give you the terminology you need and some more guidance of what you want or how to navigate these feelings.
• Look into alternative concepts of relationship styles which may be more up your alley, like queerplatonic relationships or relationship anarchy. Even if you ultimately disregard these, thinking about other ways to approach relationships may help you discover what it is you want and expect out of a relationship, which will give you a better toolkit for how to approach relationships.
• Consider what it is you're wanting to accomplish when you confess your feelings to others. You can have feelings for someone without wanting or without pursuing a romantic relationship with them. Do you want to pursue relationships with them or does it just feel like what you're supposed to do if you both have some sort of feelings? Consider what you want to accomplish to help you determine what you should do (which might include keeping your feelings private and just enjoying them by yourself until they fade).

Just because feelings change or fade doesn't make them fake or not real. Your feelings are real, and they are valid - regardless of the label you give them.

You're not awful because you have feelings or because they change. Everyone has feelings, and everyone's feelings fluctuate. You're not awful. You're human.

[Guest Ebbe]

Thank you for your very nicely put message :) I will look into those things :) But it's not the full problem, because I am evolving and I did communicate all of my feelings last time. But he still got hurt because I couldn't requite his feelings, but I thought I could just till the moment I said I could and I also told him that I was confusing friendship feelings or romantic ones. So my problem is kind of more that I don't know the difference between them and also I don't know if I am aromantic and don't feel the romantic ones. I still get crushes but I'm too scared to act on them because I don't know if I can feel romantic feelings or if I just want to be able to feel them and it's just another sort of attraction.

Because the problem is that I can't stop and consider what I want because I don't know what I want, and that's kind of the problem. I feel like I want to, but then my feelings suddenly change and then change again and it feels like I'm playing with everyones feelings. So now I have a chrush again but I'm too scared to say anything because my feelings are going up and down and I don't know what they mean.

[hemogoblin]

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But he still got hurt because I couldn't requite his feelings

Which you can't help. Nor is it your fault. You have feelings. Other people are going to have feelings, too. Hurt happens sometimes. Maybe you would feel less hurt if the people you had crushes on had the same struggles as you and you could put the relationship on and off as you pleased! Your feelings also matter here - don't downplay them in favor of others. 

Hurt is unfortunately a part of life. It doesn't mean you've done anything bad or wrong or mean. It means that life has happened. It really sucks when someone we care about is hurt, especially when it may be in regards to us, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to avoid this because people are going to feel how they feel. You can be considerate, but you can't ensure that someone will never feel hurt and making your decisions based purely at not hurting others regardless of the cost this may do to you is a fruitless endeavor. Because people will get hurt. All you can do is be considerate, be honest, apologize as necessary, hold space for your own needs, and otherwise be there for the person as you can. They will get over the hurt, just as you get over hurt for small things they do that upset you at the time.

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So my problem is kind of more that I don't know the difference between them

You might consider sitting with the fact that you might never! And you don't have to. You can still make decisions about how you want to react to these feelings without being able to specifically name them. I don't want to downplay how confusing it can be to have feelings like this, but if you can practice accepting and celebrating your feelings, they'll be a lot easier to deal with. Find the beauty and fun in these feelings. Do they come with joy? Enjoying spending more time with the person of affection? Can you find them amusing "oop, here comes the roller coaster again!"?

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Because the problem is that I can't stop and consider what I want because I don't know what I want,

This is what exploration is for! You might first decide that you want to sit back and just enjoy the feelings without changing the nature of any relationships. Spend some time getting to know how long these feelings last. Journal about the process. Treat it as a scientific experiment. If you never admit them, do they fade? When do they fade? If you admit them to someone besides the object of affection, does that help them fade? If you admit them to the object of affection without pursuing a relationship, does that help them fade?

Then you might decide to explore committing to a relationship (do this with someone you would be comfortable changing the nature of a friendship, including potentially losing it if you break up). Do relationship things even after the feelings fade. How does this make you feel? Is it enjoyable? Do you enjoy going through these motions? Do the feelings come back? If you're uncomfortable, pay attention: are you uncomfortable because you don't want to be doing these things or are you uncomfortable because you feel it's cruel to the other person? (I don't suggest doing this for years, but the average honeymoon period of a relationship can last anywhere from 3 - 12 months. This is the period of time where people are really still feeling out if they do want to continue to commit to the relationship. You can certainly reasonably take a couple of months to date someone to decide if it's what you want or not.)

And based on how each of those experiences made you feel, you can decide which one is preferable. Your feelings may never be crystal clear (they rarely are, tbh!), but you can still make informed decisions about them. Me, for example - I don't like unsurity. If a situation makes me feel confused or conflicted, I will sit in it for a while to see if the feelings lessen and another desire crops up. Otherwise, I adopt the policy of requiring an "enthusiastic yes" from myself and thus will decide that the unsurity means "no". You might decide the unsurity is the fun of it and lean into a "yes".

I hear that you don't understand why people don't just share their feelings, and people definitely get in their own way harboring their feelings like a secret and getting resentful when people don't read their mind! But just sharing your feelings isn't quite working for you in this manner, so let's try some other ways of interacting with your feelings.

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or if I just want to be able to feel them and it's just another sort of attraction.

Another way to explore this would be to call them something other than romantic (alterous, queerplatonic, platonic, sensual, etc.) and sit with that for a while and see if that feels better or worse than calling them romantic. I have personally found that I need to experiment with a label or term for at least several months. Doing it for at least several months helps me be mindful of self-doubt/self-gaslighting and just let myself use the term for a while. If it never really sits right with me, I know I'm barking up the wrong tree for myself. If not playing into the self-doubt/self-gaslighting for a few months does lead to some genuine self-acceptance, then I keep using the term for as long as that continues. It is important during this period to just let yourself use the term, even if it ultimately ends up inaccurate. No "but I can't be!" or "I have to prove it!" or "I'm not enough for this term!" You have to re-direct your thoughts fighting yourself and just use the term for a while to help you find your true feelings (beneath the likely internalized prejudice we all struggle with). I have done this and both come to the conclusion "I like the term but it's just not for me" and "I am definitely this thing" for different labels I have tried.

Remember, labels aren't a diagnosis! There is no "correct" or "incorrect" label. There's only "correct for me" and "not right for me". Identity is about how you feel - and how you feel may ultimately be "I don't know, and I can't get more specific than that". Some of the terms I suggested you look into are about embracing and accepting that confusion, so I'll let you go through those more first.

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but then my feelings suddenly change and then change again

Which could be one reason you decide on "privately enjoy the feelings but don't pursue a relationship" since you know it's a pattern that your feelings will disappear. But, like I said, you're allowed to experiment! Not everyone just understands their feelings or desires. That's where time and experience comes in.

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So now I have a chrush again but I'm too scared to say anything because my feelings are going up and down and I don't know what they mean.

What if they didn't mean anything except that you have a crush? There's no grand gesture you have to do. You...have feelings. You're allowed to just have those feelings. There doesn't have to be anything you specifically do or don't do with them. Just...let them exist.

There's this concept from ACT that has really been helping me that I wonder if you might be interested in.

"Feelings are real, but feelings are not facts."

I use this specifically with struggles of depression. The fact that I feel like I'm useless is true. I do experience that feeling. However, just because I feel like I'm useless doesn't mean that I am useless. It's just a feeling, not a fact.

You might extend this idea to your crushes. It is true that you have Feelings for this person right now. It doesn't mean these feelings will exist forever. It doesn't mean you have to act on these feelings. It doesn't mean you have to announce these feelings. It just means that you Have Feelings. What if you just let yourself sit in the feelings without acting on them? Notice them, but let them flow away (a practice called "mindful watching") and direct your energy towards doing things that you do enjoy doing. Your feelings don't have to result in anything specific. What do you enjoy doing with your time? Dancing, playing tuba, coding, reading, sculpting, hiking, photography, baking? Spend more time doing those things instead.

[Guest Ebbe]

Thank you, that is very helpful. I researched the terms you gave me in the last post and I feel like I resonate with all of them. Thank you this really helped!