Am I even aro?

[Anonymous]

I know aro-spec and ace-spec are spectrums, and can really encompass anyone for a lot of different reasons, but I feel like I’m just trying to shove myself into a community I don’t belong in. What if I think I’m aro and then change my mind and everyone thinks I was just lying for attention? I’m scared to be stuck in my decisions and not able to change. And I’m gonna be honest, I have a real issue with attention seeking, and needing to be special or different from other people. I have many queer friends, and I feel like I’ve been trying too hard to be especially liked by them.

But that’s not to say I’ve had no related experience with the aro/ace community. 
I’ve described all my wanted relationships to be like “friends that kiss” or “two friend that live in a house together and raise kids”. No one has been able to breach the friendzone with me lol. I also feel awkward or like I have to reciprocate people’s feelings when they confess to me. I confuse my platonic/romantic feelings with each other often, and have to contemplate whether I like-like someone or if I’m too invested in our friendship. I don’t like to be touched much at all, even by my family and friends, and I’m very annoyed/disgusted by romance and sex that’s any way related to me or not (like in shows or movies, if my friends and family’s and their significant others are kissing or be loving, or if someone asks for my number).

Sorry for the rant, and I honestly don’t know what answer I’m expecting from this, but just please give any advice you can think of regarding anything I said. Thank you so much. 

[hemogoblin]

Isn't it curious how it's always people of marginalized identities who are pressured to doubt and question themselves and wonder "but what if I'm faking being [queer]?" and "what if I'm invading where I don't belong?" and never cishethet folk being encouraged to think "but what if I'm faking being cishethet?" and "what if I'm missing out on being part of a community that would really get and support me because I've never even questioned if I'm actually the default identities society prescribed to me?"?

Anyway, there's really no such thing as being stuck with your decisions. Life is about growth and change. You can go through as many identity labels as you want. There's no limit. There's no line or trial period. There's no test or hazing process. Just you and what you want to explore and how you want to experiment.

There's also nothing wrong with needing attention. We all need attention. What's so bad about that? I see you! I hear you! You're valid! You are special! Thanks for being here with us and sharing your thoughts. You matter, and we care about you. =)

Edited January 28 by hemogoblin

[Holmbo]

If you feel uncertain you can share that with your friends. Say that you consider you might be aro but you're not sure. Questioning is also a valid identity.

Also I don't think you need to feel bad about feeling drawn to identifying as queer. There are lots of things about queer culture she mindset that can resonate with someone regardless if they're queer or not. You could look into concepts such as relationship anarchy or solo polyamory. These are concepts that resonate with many aro people but are for everyone who wants that lifestyle.

[HelloThere]

You have no idea how much I’ve been thinking the exact same thing. To be honest I’m not sure but I do have a piece of information that may help. This came from my dad and he’d probably lose it if I used it like this but he says “doubt your doubts.” If you have serious personal doubts that you’re aro but it also feels right at the same time and makes sense, doubt your doubts and maybe find ways to test if you actually are aro? Idrk I’m kinda in the same boat so this is advice to me as much as it is to you. I’m not suggesting just dating some random person but if you think you have a crush on someone or anything like that, don’t shut it down, explore it further and try to be sure if it’s legit. From there it’s really just giving it some time. Identify as aro if you want, it may change in the future but nothing’s permanent and identifying as aro is far from it. Just I guess my best advice is to question your doubts and don’t pretend to have extra signs of aromanticism to feel like a “real aro.” Just be yourself, see where it goes for a bit, evaluate, and don’t worry about things being set in stone. We’re both in the same situation so I guess we’ve both got some things to figure out overtime. Your feelings are your own and don’t let your doubt tell you otherwise. :D

[Sad aro]

I really relate to this. I think one reason to be hesitating is that whe're affected by the amatonormativity line that we just haven't met the right person yet. But someone said that then you can can say the same thing to a lesbian for example, that she hasn't met the right guy yet. And of course, some people fall in love for the first time late in life and there are also people that have identified themselves as lesbians that later fall in love with a guy, and then maybe change their label from lesbian to bisexual. That doesn't mean that they were faking before. We can change, we are humans and not robots. I also think that a person that falls in love for the first time late in life or just a very few times in life, still can be viewed to be under the aromantic umbrella.

Edited June 27 by Sad aro

[Sad aro]

I would like to add that I've felt the "am I this enough? thing" about more things that's outside the norm. When I first realize I'm outside a norm, I feel bad about it, then I find a community for it and become happy. But after a while I start to worry about not being that thing enough. I think Hemoglobin's theory that this often happens to minorities is right. Gladly I've never found a more welcoming community than the aro/ace-community. Cause it's easy to feel threatened and then start to gatekeep as a minorityperson. For example, in communities for childfree people, the sterilized ones often get the most status. While they who are hesitating about the choice to remain childfree are getting questioned.

Edited June 27 by Sad aro