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Arophobia in lgbtqi(a)+ spaces


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well sometimes I feel there is a lot if arophobia in queer spaces (in addition to the lack of knowledge about aromanticism) so I wanted to create a space to discuss about it/share experiences


like, the most hurtful talks/discussions about aromanticism I had with persons who are very active in queer spaces and even work in queer groups. the most wholesome ones as well to be fair :)

for example a lot of queer spaces I know talk about "cis-hets" when they mean not queer persons. which is not very sensitive and doesn't really create a welcoming or accepting atmosphere imo.. Also sometimes when I go to queer spaces I feel like directly everyone assumes I'm a lesbian or at least do experience same sex/ same gender attraction (which I do in a sensual attraction way but I'm not sure if that counts haha) which is kinda stressful for me because than I fear to come out because I fear I would have to justify myself

Edited by Acecream
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I think part of the problem is so much of other Queer Identity is tied up in who you love as that what most are about if they aren't under the Trans umbrella or adjacent to it, which leads to Aro and Ace people being left out as they don't experience what many find an integral part of their queerness. This then ends up as 'cis-hets' become the go to term for non queer people even though you could be cisgender and heterosexual but be Aro or Ace meaning you are still queer. It's a problem from these groups not having many Aro or Ace people around to tell them about stuff like the split attraction model or about how not all queerness has to be about loving someone else or being trans. I think we must also be aware that if no one says anything it's not going to change but I also am well aware of just how hard it can be to try to say something in these scenarios. Maybe emailing these people your concerns and guiding them to sites to show how it can be harmful would be a good start. 

Also if you want you sensual attraction to count then it does. Other people may disagree but if you want it to be queer then it is, you are attracted to someone in a way that society frowns upon and that's queer. Sensual attraction is more than just wanting to be a friend to some one but not wanting to date them which isn't liked. You are queer and don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Queer spaces should be inviting to everyone and they should get to see if they fit without judgement. 

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allonormativity is a real thing. as well as erasure of those whose expression doesnt fit into gender identity one might potentially represent. we're a minoriry inside of a minority in this case which leads into a lot of people being complitely unaware such expiriences exist. i hope you can meet some understanding at those places if you correct someone there making allonormative comment on somebody whose orientation is unknow. it would be awesome if someone would like to learn more about it after that

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  • 2 weeks later...

I posted something closely related to what you're pointing out yesterday (French hour), but it's more specific to women and the sexism they can face both when coming out as aro-spec and without coming out, when they simply do not match with certain misconceptions society has carved in our brains when it comes to love / intimacy / sexuality. Here is the link to it : 

I will try to clear it up here.

I think that most of us, even within the LGBTQ+ community, have been conditioned to assume women were all, or almost, a certain way, instead of all different since they're humans and gender is a social construct. Among these stereotypes towards (against is more appropriate) women, there's this common one which is assuming that women are more emotional "by nature", and therefore, that they need a strong emotional connection with a guy to feel romantically/sexually attracted to him, especially sexually. First, it's heteronormative and amatonormative, secondly, they assume women are mostly demiromantic/demisexual, even though they're not aware of these terms, this is what it means, and as an aro-spec but not demiromantic woman, it is a powerfully destructive form of discrimination, and sometimes even hate/phobia, against every other women in the aromantic spectrum. I personally identify with quoiromanticism, I've recently come in, and before I found out about the aromantic community, aromantic spectrum and all this stuff, I didn't have any word to describe what I felt, except maybe unprecise ones, and I didn't fit in these stereotypes I had been constantly forced to submit myself to, which caused an identity crisis, anger, sadness, depression, uncomprehension... Add to this my young age, I'm just 15 and questioning myself a lot, and this is incredibly exhausting and demoralizing. Discovering this community helped me breaking away from these normative, exclusive and oppressive  systems and feel free. I can now say that I was, and am still, a victim of arophobia because I'm a woman. So, perhaps is it sexist arophobia. Putting words on it feels like a liberation. 

Of course, this is my personal experience as a quoiromantic heterosexual girl, but there are plenty of other forms of arophobias / acephobias as there are many types of aromantic / asexual orientations. But I hope this short testimonial can help at least one person realizing that they're going through something similar, and realize it's not normal to be victim of that because you're valid as you are. Don't let others define who you are, nor let them brainwash you to stupidly agree with the stereotypes they want to put you in. But on the other hand, be careful not to stereotype human behaviours in reaction to your rebeling against arophobia/acephobia/sexism, because this is something many do. I've seen a lot of persons saying things like "I'm a lesbian because men are useless / trash.", this is discriminatory, wrong, stereotyped and even nonsensical, since those who say and believe in this kind of things are often also those who defend the idea that homosexuality isn't the outcome of repulsion against the other sex / not having found the right man or woman yet, but not a choice. They pretend that homosexual people were born this way, which is true, but spread misconceptions about homosexuality, sexism and hate... It just doesn't make sense. Be rational, not emotional, use your loaf and do not just think that others are responsible for your problems, they can be, but question yourself as well, you could discover that you have certain sexist / stereotyped conceptions. You can go through feelings, and you should not throw them away, nor should you puke them on others. Instead, take them and analyze them. What do they say about you ? Are you sure they're valid or are they resulting of our sexist societies ? Why do they impact you so much ? Do they mean you're aro, ace or something else ? Building an inclusive world won't be possible unless everyone accepts the idea they might be sexist themselves, even queer people, and work on it.

Edited by Themathlover
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