am i greyromantic? where is the line between grey and allo?

[milk]

probably way too much context:

so im 16 for reference (partially why im questioning). ive felt romantic attraction twice: once when I was 9, and again when i was 11 (i suppose this would be my "boy crazy" phase? (a sad excuse for one if you ask me lol)). the first instance lasted for around four weeks while the second lasted for maybe 6 months, and was also triggered by the guy liking me first. in 5 years since and 2 years in-between I have felt nothing -- not a drip of romantic attraction to anyone.

I have previously considered myself greyromantic, but every now and then I go back to questioning, because I went by the definition "rare/limited attraction" and I have no idea how often alloromantics are supposed to feel attraction.  My best friend(/s in the past) have had crushes /experienced romantic attraction for over 50% of their lives. that is to say, they've basically had at least one crush at once for most of their lives. however, other people I know have only had 1/3 crushes, like me. that is what confuses me. one of my friends claims to have only had one crush, however recently developed a crush on a celebrity, but she doesn't "count" that. so when people say they've only had 1/3 crushes, they seem to exclude celebrity crushes? I also learnt recently that you can "like" someone without having a crush on them? so how often do alloromantics actually experience attraction?

I've never had a celebrity crush, nor a fictional crush, street/airport crush, etc.. these confuse me. I have only ever felt romantic attraction towards people I have spoken to (but maybe this is a side effect of me being asexual?). however, i do frequently get squishes, and have pretty much always had one since I was 13. my experience with platonic/alterous attraction is far more frequent, and I'd say, although individually it might not be as strong as in the instances I've felt romantic attraction, on average it is due to the difference in frequency. if you get what I mean. I also often question whether my squishes are platonic or actually romantic given that i don't really remember what romantic attraction feels like. sometimes I get in a "romance mood", and when that happens it is unoriented. no (imaginary) gender or person satisfies that discomfort (i am mentioning this just in case it is similar to how my sexuality is unoriented).

anyway yeah. where does one draw the line between alloromantic and greyromantic? please help 

[S-Hawk]

just as you said grayaro folks experience limited and/or rare romantic attraction; but you can read abt its wikipage to learn abt more grayaro experiences; this reddit thread can also help! i have no idea how alloromantic folks experience romantic attraction to draw a line but i just know these two are different. im panaspec so im basically disconnected from all experiences of attraction to qualify for qnas like these lol

59 minutes ago, milk said:

so when people say they've only had 1/3 crushes, they seem to exclude celebrity crushes?

despite desiring a romantic relationship with celebrities they cant fulfil that attraction so its basically the same as having a crush on a fictional character; living a parasocial relationship basically. ppl dont count that bc its not like this goal of their romantic attraction is going to be achieved so theyd rather not take it seriously

this is also called proculromantic

59 minutes ago, milk said:

I also learnt recently that you can "like" someone without having a crush on them? so how often do alloromantics actually experience attraction?

yes. you can experience tertiary attraction; an example would be platonically attracted to someone meaning that you want to be friends with them or deepen your friendship into having a closer bond. but if you feel that attraction intensively its called a squish [aka the platonic counterpart of crush]; but you already know that so moving on

attraction is when youre drawn to smth but you can simply enjoy someones presence [aka liking someone] without being constantly drawn to them

as for the second question you can read abt this thread where aros ask allos questions regarding attraction romance n all that! im not sure if youll find the answer you want but its a helpful source for me

Edited January 22, 2023 by mivoei

[hemogoblin]

It's common for alloromantics to spend more time having a crush than not, especially as teens, whether they cycle through several crushes in a week or they crush on one (or a few people) for a few weeks before that crush ends and another begins. On the low end of the spectrum, alloromantics might have as few as a couple of crushes per year. Going years without having a crush is definitely more of an aro experience.

I would say the varying answers you're getting are a lot down to how different people define crushes. Some will absolutely count celebrity crushes. Your friend apparently doesn't. There could also be embarrassing crushes that people don't want to admit to and so aren't copping to. It's also possible that you are friends with some other people who might be arospec themselves.

But the answer to the line between alloromanticism versus grayromanticism is hinted at by the gray-romantic term. The line is "gray" and not clearly, specifically defined. Ie, it's really up to you to define. Do you feel like your experiences fit in more with your allo peers or do you feel a bit disconnected from them? Do you relate to aro experiences? Introspect on your doubt. Do you doubt being aromantic because you're starting to not feel connected to the term or are you doubting being aromantic because it's a marginalized identity and society pressures you to fit in and be cisallohet (thereby forcing you to somehow be able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you're aromantic)?

Edited January 22, 2023 by hemogoblin

[milk]

2 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

(thereby forcing you to somehow be able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that you're aromantic)?

yes, I think you're right about this. I've been wanting to mention my identity to some people and I'm scared they won't believe me. I remember though some people have been shocked before at my low levels of attraction, so I suppose i shouldn't worry too much... ultimately, I do relate more to aros and feel a disconnect from my allo friends in regard to romance. i actually suspect one of my friends might be aromantic though, unsure if i should bring it up with her.

sometimes i worry im lying about being aro just because i like the flag colours. my brain really loves finding any way to get myself to doubt my identity :p

2 hours ago, mivoei said:

reddit thread

thank you for these sources/explanations, theyre very helpful

[Acearospec]

5 hours ago, mivoei said:

despite desiring a romantic relationship with celebrities they cant fulfil that attraction so its basically the same as having a crush on a fictional character; living a parasocial relationship basically. ppl dont count that bc its not like this goal of their romantic attraction is going to be achieved so theyd rather not take it seriously

this is also called proculromantic

Thanks for sharing - especially this! I'd somehow never heard of this one before. 

[Procrastinating]

Even if other people are saying they only had 1-3 crushes, what all are they considering a crush? Because I feel like even when allos don't have a strong crush at the time they are often still seeing people that they find cute or interesting. A crush is like when you reach the stage someone is on your mind all the time. 

I know before I realized I was aro I would try to have crushes and I'd try very hard. I would pick someone I find aesthetically attractive, say I liked them, then talk about them to my friends a lot because I felt that's what I was supposed to do if I liked someone. But it wasn't a real crush. The feeling of, "I'm supposed to do this" was much stronger than any actual interest in the person. Even forcing it though, I only had a "crush" every 3-5 years or so. 

My point is that, I just don't do that, I'm not always thinking about who I can be romantic with, I don't find people likable in that way, I am just not able to be open to that. However, when I talk to allos, they are all "I want to find love." Or "Ooh that person is kinda cute." Even when they don't have a crush I think it's often on their mind. So even if your friends only have had 1 - 3 crushes, is it on their mind a lot? If not they could be arospec too. 

Is it on your mind a lot? I think that is the real indicator here. Of course now the concept is because you're trying to figure out who you are, but what I'm asking is, are you constantly finding people that you could like? 

Going 5 years without a crush is a pretty long time, from what I'm reading I do suspect that you could be arospec, but only you can know.