Seriously considering the possibility I might be aro after all...thoughts?

[Littleface]

I never really thought I'd be thinking this but I wanted to ask for some guidance...Here's my situation:

• In the past in my relationships with men (I am a cis woman) there was always a lack of sexual attraction due to my asexuality, but I never really wanted to kiss or hug them either. Being close physically with someone for long periods of time felt too much and I needed my own 'space'. This isn't to say I completely disregard any 'warmth' but the truth is, I only ever really want a hug from someone once every few months...I don't get touch starved that easily. Also  I felt quite uncomfortable with romance coded behaviours (especially in public) like holding hands. I have had four relationships with men and this remained the same throughout all of them. 
•  
• My one and only relationship with a woman was very different. We were LDR and got together during the pandemic so we never met so therefore there was never that physical aspect, but I definitely felt more 'strongly' for her than I did my past male partners but I think that when I really analyse it, I didn't necessarily 'want' the romance stuff either...I just told myself I did. In fact, all I wanted was for her to see me as important to her as she was to me. I wanted closeness, not romance. I think I let that aspect cloud my needs with her. We split because she eventually realised she was aro. 

I think I really prefer the idea of romance than I do actually like it in real life. I have an 'imaginary' relationship in my head with a musician I like but I think it really just exists as a way for me to have fun in my head rather than experience any particular 'feelings'. It feels like a contradiction...

I really think I might be aro but deep down I don't think I want this to be true. I feel as though my understanding of romance and relationships in the past was one of ownership and not of any particular feeling. Like how I wanted my ex girlfriend to view me as important, like she was 'mine', but more in a way of having a best friend and being angry if someone else tries to take them away. I want to have a really close bond with someone that feels more like a best friend, but trying to find that when most people want more feels like the last nail in the coffin...I'm 27 now. I don't exactly like the prospect of dying alone...my ex girlfriend had the benefit of having a ride or die bestie who had literally promised her she'd never leave her side. It made me angry for a long time. I wanted to disprove aromanticism because of her...I think deep down it was because I was disgusted at myself. Now the dust has settled I'm really considering I am the same...

[alto]

Maybe you are a lesbian aroace?

[Fandom Fanatic]

Well, I'm not sure if you're aware, but there are other types of attraction than just romantic or sexual. Alterous attraction is a form of attraction that's inbetween platonic and romantic. It's hard to explain unless you've felt it, and even if you've felt it, explaining it is still difficult. It's more of something you have to feel. But if you feel like you are aro, but you've also felt attraction (or at least I think that's what you're describing), it's definitely something to look into.

As alto said, you could be lesbian aroace.

[Storm_leopardcat]

 

 

 

 

I hope this helps you figure it out, in some way! 

[Littleface]

Thank you very much for your thoughts on this topic everyone, I definitely think I do fit the label of lesbian aroace and after looking up apterous attraction I think that fits too….it’ll definitely take time to get comfortable with understanding being aro spec as well as ace, but I just wanted to say thank you again for your input. I’ll hang around the forums here for a bit and see how I go on. 

[alto]

11 hours ago, Storm_leopardcat said:

 

 

I hope this helps you figure it out, in some way! 

Hey!  Plush is missing from this!

[EternallyTBD]

Because google only wants to show me pride flag stuffies, what is a plush?

[alto]

2 hours ago, EternallyTDB said:

Because google only wants to show me pride flag stuffies, what is a plush?

a desire for a queerplatonic relationship

[Kristoph]

On 11/21/2022 at 7:50 PM, Littleface said:

I have an 'imaginary' relationship in my head with a musician I like but I think it really just exists as a way for me to have fun in my head rather than experience any particular 'feelings'.

I have an "imaginary" relationship with several fictional characters. The "imaginary" relationships don't make anyone "less" aromantic + there are still aros who want to be in a relationship (for example, the ones who are cupioromantic). Being aro is just about attraction and not what you imagine or do.

[Littleface]

8 hours ago, Jigen said:

I have an "imaginary" relationship with several fictional characters. The "imaginary" relationships don't make anyone "less" aromantic + there are still aros who want to be in a relationship (for example, the ones who are cupioromantic). Being aro is just about attraction and not what you imagine or do.

I remember I did a test ages ago and cupio- something or other was on the result. Is that kind of like being romance positive or something? I definitely think I'm somewhere along the lines of romance neutral or even positive. I love romcoms and all that silly stuff, but whenever it seems to happen to me irl I'm just like ew no thanks lol. Just Like Heaven is my fav movie and I swear when I think about it, that says a lot about me. The whole movie is them not being able to be 'together' cos Reese Witherspoon's character is in a coma so she's a 'ghost' LOL

[Kristoph]

6 hours ago, Littleface said:

romance positive

"Romance positive/neutral/negative" is about your attitude towards romance in general. The term you're looking for is "romance favorable".

6 hours ago, Littleface said:

I love romcoms and all that silly stuff

My favorite fandom activity is shipping. I'm an active fanfic writer.

6 hours ago, Littleface said:

whenever it seems to happen to me irl I'm just like ew no thanks lol

I'm romance ambivalent and it's a weird thing to experience. Very, very weird. For the most time I'm indifferent, but if something happens, I can turn romo favorable or romo repulsed – it's my case.

[Littleface]

16 hours ago, Jigen said:

"Romance positive/neutral/negative" is about your attitude towards romance in general. The term you're looking for is "romance favorable".

My favorite fandom activity is shipping. I'm an active fanfic writer.

I'm romance ambivalent and it's a weird thing to experience. Very, very weird. For the most time I'm indifferent, but if something happens, I can turn romo favorable or romo repulsed – it's my case.

Ahh thanks for clearing that up. And that's cool. I do enjoy the occasional fanfic myself :) 

Omg I am the same!! Or I definitely feel after a certain period (sometimes weeks, sometimes months) the shine wears off completely and I just don't want it at all. 

[Kristoph]

3 hours ago, Littleface said:

Omg I am the same!! Or I definitely feel after a certain period (sometimes weeks, sometimes months) the shine wears off completely and I just don't want it at all. 

In my case it depens a lot of relationships. When I was in a qpr with someone and this person did something behind my back, I turned romance repulsed for several months. If not longer. And I keep being somewhere in between indifferent and repulsed at this moment.