Littleface Posted November 21, 2022 Share Posted November 21, 2022 I never really thought I'd be thinking this but I wanted to ask for some guidance...Here's my situation: In the past in my relationships with men (I am a cis woman) there was always a lack of sexual attraction due to my asexuality, but I never really wanted to kiss or hug them either. Being close physically with someone for long periods of time felt too much and I needed my own 'space'. This isn't to say I completely disregard any 'warmth' but the truth is, I only ever really want a hug from someone once every few months...I don't get touch starved that easily. Also I felt quite uncomfortable with romance coded behaviours (especially in public) like holding hands. I have had four relationships with men and this remained the same throughout all of them. My one and only relationship with a woman was very different. We were LDR and got together during the pandemic so we never met so therefore there was never that physical aspect, but I definitely felt more 'strongly' for her than I did my past male partners but I think that when I really analyse it, I didn't necessarily 'want' the romance stuff either...I just told myself I did. In fact, all I wanted was for her to see me as important to her as she was to me. I wanted closeness, not romance. I think I let that aspect cloud my needs with her. We split because she eventually realised she was aro. I think I really prefer the idea of romance than I do actually like it in real life. I have an 'imaginary' relationship in my head with a musician I like but I think it really just exists as a way for me to have fun in my head rather than experience any particular 'feelings'. It feels like a contradiction... I really think I might be aro but deep down I don't think I want this to be true. I feel as though my understanding of romance and relationships in the past was one of ownership and not of any particular feeling. Like how I wanted my ex girlfriend to view me as important, like she was 'mine', but more in a way of having a best friend and being angry if someone else tries to take them away. I want to have a really close bond with someone that feels more like a best friend, but trying to find that when most people want more feels like the last nail in the coffin...I'm 27 now. I don't exactly like the prospect of dying alone...my ex girlfriend had the benefit of having a ride or die bestie who had literally promised her she'd never leave her side. It made me angry for a long time. I wanted to disprove aromanticism because of her...I think deep down it was because I was disgusted at myself. Now the dust has settled I'm really considering I am the same... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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