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How to deal with not knowing for sure?


Guest Alex he/him
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Guest Alex he/him

I think I'm aromantic. I've never experienced romantic attraction as far as I know and when I think I am experiencing it, it's either platonic or sexual attraction lol. That being said, I'm not romance repusled at all. I love romantic shit (romantic books/movies/series, relationships in games...), I'm very touchy, I like hugging my friends and being affectionate with them. Hell, I actually like the idea of dating someone one day, so I guess that'd technically make me cupioromantic if I had to be specific.

Some of my friends and some other queer people are weird about it though. Whenever I feel weird about being aromantic, because it just feels like I can't really be aro when I desire to have a romantic relationship with someone one day and because it's really confusing to just constantly think you're crushing on people only to find out you're not, they usually just start listing reasons for my lack of romantic attraction that aren't connected to being aro. That maybe it's just because of my bad mental health, that people in high school suck and most queer people date when they're in college anyway, that it could just be because of my gender dysphoria etc.

I really wish I knew for sure, because I don't know whether I'm even allowed to be upset with this. Like, maybe??? Maybe one day I'll get romantic attraction. They're technically right, but it just makes me feel really upset and I kinda wish people could just believe me.

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Aro questioning is one of the most confounding existential crises you can have, where you question what you are capable of feeling and doing and being, and you try to figure out what you actually want vs what you were told you were supposed to want. It is incredibly confusing and sad and lonely. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it.

It took me a while to accept that I was aro. I am a bit obsessed with romance genres, I also love that shit. So I explored microlabels for a while, trying to figure out where I 'fit' on the spectrum, but then I decided to give up on that.

I don't feel like I need to figure out if I'm 'grey-' or 'demi-', nor do I need any microlabels (even though microlabels are incredibly valid!). I *know* I am aromantic because I don't feel romantic attraction to anyone, and I never have. Even if I wake up the next day and suddenly find myself attracted to people, that still really wouldn't change how I identify today. And it doesn't change the things I want to do and be right now.

Identifying as aro doesn't and shouldn't close off any possibilities for you in the future. Instead it does the opposite - it opens up the possibility that you could exist happily without the conventional romantic narrative.

Saying that you are aro is simply a way to describe a type of experience, so if the label fits, then you are aro. And if the label isn't helpful and is just causing you too much confusion, then you might find it easier to be unlabelled, and that's okay too.

 

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Your orientation doesn't dictate what you can or can't do. You could be aromantic but enjoy dating and ending up in a committed romantic relationship. Or you could be alloromantic but not want to date and prefer only friendships. My advice is for you to try to get as much different experiences as possible. Reflect on how you feel about it and follow where your interest takes you.

Edited by Holmbo
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There is no being "allowed" to feel anything. Emotions do not ask for permission. And you can't control what others believe. As for being certain, I know it's cliche but there are only two things in life you can be sure of. People change, the world changes, life happens. If you believe you are aromantic, go ahead and call yourself that. If that changes, no big deal.

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