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Foreign feelings I just can't understand


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Guest mult

A coworker confessed to me today and I was kind of dreading that this was going to happen when he wanted to give me his number. 

At least he took the rejection well enough though we'll see because I've done that song and dance before dealing with a female friend I rejected who said she was fine with it but was definitely not fine with it. 

It's just that I personally cannot relate to people gushing over someone else romantically or sexually. I understand from a theoretical point of view, but I find it impossible to sympathize with. I suppose I'm meant to feel flattered or something that someone finds me attractive or imagines a relationship with me, but I really don't. It's just an "um...okay" feeling, and it's not like these are people I dislike—these are friends.

Other people really don't understand me when I express this lack of interest or wanting or drive. We may as well live on separate planets because the gap in understanding between us is just so vast. 

I try to explain as simply and nicely as possible, but it doesn't really click, you know?

 

Just here for reassurance really. Some people really think I'm supposed to give people a "chance" but that makes things worse in my experience. 

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i don't like it either.  ideally, people's feelings toward me would be the same as mine toward them, whether that's platonic, sexual, or no attraction.  i never want anyone to be romantically attracted to me.  the only thing i appreciate in any case is purely aesthetic attraction.  and no, you don't owe anyone anything.  what they want is not more important than what you want.

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Guest mult
11 hours ago, Holmbo said:

I totally relate. To me the feelings are just weird and they seem too easily evoked to feel flattering

Yeah, and it just feels kind of fake to me, like they don't understand me so they don't really know me. In a way, someone feels farther away when they express romantic or sexual feelings to me.

 

11 hours ago, aro_elise said:

i don't like it either.  ideally, people's feelings toward me would be the same as mine toward them, whether that's platonic, sexual, or no attraction.  i never want anyone to be romantically attracted to me.  the only thing i appreciate in any case is purely aesthetic attraction.  and no, you don't owe anyone anything.  what they want is not more important than what you want.

Yeah, I appreciate the reassurance. There's this pressure a lot of people put on other to "try things out" like we owe someone the "chance", but that just makes the inevitable rejection worse. I'd rather nip it in the bud.

 

 

I know and have talked to people online who lack romantic and/or sexual attraction in some way, so it feels more welcoming and comfortable, but I get reminded out in public that what I lack is very alien to other people. On the bright side, my identical twin has the same lack of attraction that I have.

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I definitely understand where you're coming from and the idea of people confessing is not a great one. It always feels very odd when people show even the slightest bit of interest - that dread of the "final confession" is very real! I can't even begin to describe the horror of it as an aromantic person. Why must I deal with this emotional bombshell you're dropping on me? I ain't interested!

I relate to the feeling of fakeness, too. My default question in response to a confession is "why?" It's not a matter of self-worth, either - it's me asking why someone would feel that way in general over well, anyone!

It's all very strange to me. 

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Guest mult
13 hours ago, SilentShadows said:

I definitely understand where you're coming from and the idea of people confessing is not a great one. It always feels very odd when people show even the slightest bit of interest - that dread of the "final confession" is very real! I can't even begin to describe the horror of it as an aromantic person. Why must I deal with this emotional bombshell you're dropping on me? I ain't interested!

I relate to the feeling of fakeness, too. My default question in response to a confession is "why?" It's not a matter of self-worth, either - it's me asking why someone would feel that way in general over well, anyone!

It's all very strange to me. 

I definitely feel similar. When I rejected that female friend of mine, she told me how lonely she was and how she would be okay if I "faked" being in a relationship with her where I didn't feel the same way, but that would be torture? Like, I would hate that and I'm sure she would hate that. She spent a couple weeks trying to convince me that we had feelings "blossoming". I don't want to be someone's pity partner or their therapist or their doll to play house with.

 

And with the coworker, he kept texting me flattering things, and while he said he was fine with being rejected, he said his feelings won't change which just makes me feel like he's buttering me up.

 

It feels very manipulative like I'm getting emotionally blackmailed into a relationship, but I refuse to fall for that. I'm an empathetic person who doesn't like making people upset, but I know it wouldn't work out and it'll make me feel much worse to go along with it just to satisfy someone's romantic or sexual desires. 

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