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Good old orientation crisis ,_,


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Right. Hello, I just joined arocalypse!! It’s really nice to be here :)


- The first part is basically background about my current relationship, you can get the jist of it if you skip to the next paragraph break. The focus isn’t my relationship, but it’s a really crucial part of this.

So, I’ve been in a relationship with my Girlfriend for about 10 (almost 11) months. It’s really great relationship in my eyes, we both enjoy spending time together, we have similar interests and generally we’re good at communicating problems. Though recently she’s been saying that we‘ve not been spending enough time together and asking to go round my house quite literally every time I see her. Quite a few times I’ve said, ‘No’ because I’m generally someone who wants private time and I often feel uncomfortable with someone invading a space that’s just mine (probably weird), but she always says, ‘why not?’ and things like, ‘other people actually spend time with their partners’ ‘You’re going to leave me aren’t you. You just think I’m so stupid.’ I always feel terrible but sometimes I just don’t want to be around people.

Anyway, over the course of our relationship, there has been a few hiccups, namely the physical contact. She knows that I’m asexual, and she respects that I don’t want to ever has s*x (it just makes me super uncomfortable) but she doesn’t understand that I don’t really feel an awful lot of romantic attraction, to anyone I’ve dated. I’ll always think about it, and imagine various romantic situations and it makes me really happy. It’s just when it actually happens that I feel incredibly awkward and it just doesn’t feel right. I always blush really red and she’ll make comments like, ‘ha, you blush easily’ but it’s more of a, ‘this is so weird I don’t know how to get out of this situation’ kind of flush.

I’ve spoken to her about this, and she replied with, ‘Oh, right, so we’re basically just going to be friends then?’ And I explained that, no, I feel differently about her than I do with friends, I would just prefer not to do overly romantic stuff (if that makes sense??). She nodded and later when we got back to my house, she immediately tried to engage in overly romantic stuff, and hinting on stuff that was bordering the line of sexual. I felt like I was going to throw up. It was like she just ignored everything I just said.

I later dropped her off at her house and she said she wants to come round again, I only smiled back, still currently trying not to think about what had happened that day. That was about a week ago and I feel terrible that I still haven’t texted her. 

I’ve been thinking that perhaps I’m Aegromantic, because while I enjoy planning and thinking about romantic activities, I don’t really feel comfortable actually going through with them. It’s been like this is all of my past relationships, so it’s not just that I ‘haven’t found the right person yet’ (I’ve been told that many times, and it’s infuriating). Do you think I’m right, and can I be aegromantic and panromantic? 

Thank you for any info and sorry for the rant, I probably sound like a horrible person ;_;

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I don't think you sound like a horrible person, you and your gf just have conflicting social needs. She sounds like a pretty romance- and affection-oriented person when it comes to relationships, and it can be difficult for people like that to understand why their partner doesn't want the same thing (and vise-versa.) When their partner doesn't reciprocate it can be hurtful, but that isn't anyone's fault.

You could definitely be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (I pretty much only like romo stuff in fiction/daydreams myself) or you could be an allo person who isn't into romantic gestures and needs their space. It depends on what feels most authentic to you.

And I'm sorry that she hasn't been taking what you say seriously. I think you should tell her how you felt when she pushed your boundaries- that isn't something that'll resolve itself.

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I thibk the question is : do you have romantic feelings for her ? Did you have for other people in the past ?

Whatever the answer is, she has to respect your boundaries. Maybe you should tell her how it makes you feel even if it is difficult and she may not take it well : people know tvat bot respecting sexual boundaries makes people that uncomfortable, but they rarely realize it can be the same with romance.

As @Apexsays it is possible that you are not compatible when it comes to romantic relationship.

It is also possible that you are on the aromantic spectrum. I am not really familiar with the aego label and I'm not in your head to know, but this won't be crazy.

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