I actually feel sick inside. Like, physically nauseous. I hate all of this so much.
To preface this, I have (diagnosed) generalized anxiety disorder, which makes this incredibly hard for me. It's no excuse, but I can't pretend it's not a part of this or that it isn't important.
I don't want to explain exactly how, because it's incredibly hard to even write this much, but I'm in a relationship right now with one of my ex-friends. But I haven't texted them for weeks now because--the reason I'm dating them, too-- I was forced to ask them out when I didn't want to, and they--because apparently the universe hates me-- "reciprocated". If I had kept saying I didn't like them and we were just friends, I would just keep getting harassed more and more by my classmates, and I just wanted it to stop, like have them "reject" me or something, but nope, apparently they like me "back" and that just makes me feel sicker and like a horrible human being. The constant teasing and poking and prodding stopped, but at the same time everything has gotten worse. Ugh god I need more explanation for this, well, so now I’m not near these people anymore, but once again I was forced to date her because – also a very long story – she would ghost me if I didn’t tell her who others claimed had a crush on her. This was all part of a huge scheme to make me "confess", and I was scared of losing her, so I said it was me. Yada yada you get this gist.
But I just can’t do it anymore. I can't pretend. At first, I thought maybe it was just because it was my first relationship, after all, my mom says everyone is super uncomfortable at first, yeah? Maybe everyone was right, I thought, why not give it a try!? Well obviously I'm on this forum now, so the try backfired horribly, turns out I'm aro. The very reason I accepted that I would have to date her was to not lose her, but I have anyway, because now texting her, seeing her, calling her, even just casually, it all makes me sick and feel disgusting deep down, and I hate it. I feel like a horrible person but I hate this.
I'm so terrified. I don't know what to do. And you know what?? I just gave into being a horrible person! I thought maybe if I ghosted them long enough I would be safe, they would forget about me, and I could move on and pretend none of thisstuff ever happened, none of this stuff happened. Stuff that will probably haunt me for years.
And I have for a month now, but they keep texting me anyway. They just texted me saying "This song reminds me of you <3" and it's innocent. It's meant to be nice. Consoling. Instead, I'm a piece of soggy cereal and had a near panic attack, like it triggered my fight or flight, everything felt like it was caving in, all dark and hopeless. I'm terrified and what's worse is it's ALL MY FAULT. I just wish they would forget about me.
And I wish I could just text them "I'm breaking up with you" and be done with it! Accepting I'm a piece of moldy dog food, throwing away all my friendship and memories, and all the people I have that I know through them (you know, all my only friends) and just be done with it. But I can't. Every time I do I feel my eyes glaze over, my limbs start shaking, I'm the bad person, aren't I? What have I done! Forums everywhere say "Don't text them, call them" or "Don't call them, that's just as bad, do it in person" but that makes me want to curl up in a ball and sink into the floor forever. I hate anxiety. I can't do that! Imagine; I'll start crying and hang up or run away to a place I can lock the door and escape them before I can get a word out because I'm so scared of all the worst case scenarios, like them yelling at me that they've always hated me, hating me for leading them on, all things justified but I'm too selfish to let myself hear.
I feel and probably sound like a lunatic. But it's the truth.
I know maybe this won't get any responses, or you won't know what to do either, but really, I'm just... I'm so confused. I need an outlet maybe. I wish someone would help me but I don't expect anything at this point. Why would I let this happen. I don't know what to do. What can I do? What is the right decision? I just... ugh. I'm sorry.
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Anonymous
TW: self-hate...? idk
I actually feel sick inside. Like, physically nauseous. I hate all of this so much.
To preface this, I have (diagnosed) generalized anxiety disorder, which makes this incredibly hard for me. It's no excuse, but I can't pretend it's not a part of this or that it isn't important.
I don't want to explain exactly how, because it's incredibly hard to even write this much, but I'm in a relationship right now with one of my ex-friends. But I haven't texted them for weeks now because--the reason I'm dating them, too-- I was forced to ask them out when I didn't want to, and they--because apparently the universe hates me-- "reciprocated". If I had kept saying I didn't like them and we were just friends, I would just keep getting harassed more and more by my classmates, and I just wanted it to stop, like have them "reject" me or something, but nope, apparently they like me "back" and that just makes me feel sicker and like a horrible human being. The constant teasing and poking and prodding stopped, but at the same time everything has gotten worse. Ugh god I need more explanation for this, well, so now I’m not near these people anymore, but once again I was forced to date her because – also a very long story – she would ghost me if I didn’t tell her who others claimed had a crush on her. This was all part of a huge scheme to make me "confess", and I was scared of losing her, so I said it was me. Yada yada you get this gist.
But I just can’t do it anymore. I can't pretend. At first, I thought maybe it was just because it was my first relationship, after all, my mom says everyone is super uncomfortable at first, yeah? Maybe everyone was right, I thought, why not give it a try!? Well obviously I'm on this forum now, so the try backfired horribly, turns out I'm aro. The very reason I accepted that I would have to date her was to not lose her, but I have anyway, because now texting her, seeing her, calling her, even just casually, it all makes me sick and feel disgusting deep down, and I hate it. I feel like a horrible person but I hate this.
I'm so terrified. I don't know what to do. And you know what?? I just gave into being a horrible person! I thought maybe if I ghosted them long enough I would be safe, they would forget about me, and I could move on and pretend none of this stuff ever happened, none of this stuff happened. Stuff that will probably haunt me for years.
And I have for a month now, but they keep texting me anyway. They just texted me saying "This song reminds me of you <3" and it's innocent. It's meant to be nice. Consoling. Instead, I'm a piece of soggy cereal and had a near panic attack, like it triggered my fight or flight, everything felt like it was caving in, all dark and hopeless. I'm terrified and what's worse is it's ALL MY FAULT. I just wish they would forget about me.
And I wish I could just text them "I'm breaking up with you" and be done with it! Accepting I'm a piece of moldy dog food, throwing away all my friendship and memories, and all the people I have that I know through them (you know, all my only friends) and just be done with it. But I can't. Every time I do I feel my eyes glaze over, my limbs start shaking, I'm the bad person, aren't I? What have I done! Forums everywhere say "Don't text them, call them" or "Don't call them, that's just as bad, do it in person" but that makes me want to curl up in a ball and sink into the floor forever. I hate anxiety. I can't do that! Imagine; I'll start crying and hang up or run away to a place I can lock the door and escape them before I can get a word out because I'm so scared of all the worst case scenarios, like them yelling at me that they've always hated me, hating me for leading them on, all things justified but I'm too selfish to let myself hear.
I feel and probably sound like a lunatic. But it's the truth.
I know maybe this won't get any responses, or you won't know what to do either, but really, I'm just... I'm so confused. I need an outlet maybe. I wish someone would help me but I don't expect anything at this point. Why would I let this happen. I don't know what to do. What can I do? What is the right decision? I just... ugh. I'm sorry.
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