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Feeling guilty/shame for not feeling romantic attraction. Help.


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I've been losing sleep trying to figure out what I feel and why. I think maybe I figured it out? But I'm not sure. For context:

Since Feb I've been figuring if I've ever experienced romantic attraction. On my journey to discovering I am in fact quite Aro I've been pretty open about it with my close people. One of which includes my best friend. Long story short after she started acting of character at the possibility of me and her working together at the same place she came out to me and told me she has more than platonic feelings which threw me for a loop. She wondered if I thought I could ever reciprocate and honestly... I think what I feel for her is best described as alterous attraction. After a long and hard convo with her about what she wants and what I can't give she was very understandable and said she was gonna move on and try to get over me. I felt so bad. I almost said that we could try dating but I know that I shouldn't force myself into something I don't want.

For a hot moment I really thought I lost her as a friend. But she was ok after 2 weeks of no contact and she started dating this guy. I was so happy for her until I met him. So many red flags. I brought them up to her and she is either refusing to see them or she really is blind to it. He is not a good guy for her. And it bothered me so much that he would be taking advantage of her that I thought maybe I was romantically attracted to her if I'm losing sleep. I figured out that I feel just so f*cking guilty that because I can't give what she needs she turned to someone bad. Like it'd be my fault if he were to SA her or get her to change herself or anything go wrong or something. 

 

Has anyone ever experienced the scenario of rejecting someone you're close to and them doing unhealthy or making bad decisions to get over you? I feel like shit right now and I wish I could love her in that way so she would be out of his reach. IDK what to do. Should I stage an intervention with our friends? Is this normal? 

 

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That happened with my first girlfriend and me.  I broke up with her and she got with this other girl.  I was concerned that this girl might be bullying her, and I realized I would rather date her and not really love her than see her in that situation.  So I told her I wanted to get back together.  She promptly got right back in my arms.  There's more to the story, but that's that story arc.

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That has happened to me too, I was in my early twenties back then. A friend of mine confessed that he really liked me, but I didn’t feel the same (I wasn’t aware that I was aro ace at that time) When I turned him down he got really depressed, which made me feel bad but I couldn’t magically make myself like him. Suddenly he had a girlfriend he met online. At first I was very happy for him untill I met her. Same as with your friend, red flags all around. My other friends and I tried to make him see, but he wouldn’t listen. Only a couple of months after they started dating, she had gotten pregnant and they moved out of town and I barely saw my friend anymore. Long story short and fast forward a good 10 years, my friend is now a father of 3, living separate from her and again very depressed. He recently came to visit because his parents still live here and some of his friends and me met up with him. When we were alone he told me that if he could do things over he would. I felt really bad for him but I do realise I personally could not have done anything.

It is his life and he is responsible for his own choices, not me.

You can’t shield people from making mistakes and that can really hurt if you like them a lot, so this is not going to be easy.

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Thank you both for the responses. Honestly the feedback helps a lot. 🥺 it lightens the heaviness on my heart 

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