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Jokes thread


roboticanary
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anyone got any jokes to share.

I'll start with something terrible:

guy walks down the street and sees a musician playing the trumpet. no-one near him, not making any money and not playing any tune he recognises.

so he goes up to the musician and says to him 'why on earth are you blowing that trumpet'.

the musician replies 'well sir, it doesn't work if I suck it'

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A guy is selling a vintage chair online. Another guy responds: 

‘$250,- is way too much for this chair’. 
’What are you talking about? This chair is vintage man’. 
‘Nice try, I’ll give you $5,- for it and you should be lucky I even want it. Just give me the address and I’ll come pick it up’

The advertiser drops an address with no comment. Some time passes.

’Hey man, I drove to the address but it is some sort of comedy club?’. 
‘Yeah, you should try your jokes on stage, see if anyone there likes them.’

Edited by Nix
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I'm working on a proposal to ensure lines are always the same length by allowing the letter n to change width as needed. Some may call it extreme, but I believe the N's justify the means.

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There where these two workers Bob and Jim, on their break Bob asked Jim a question.
 

Bob: Say, why are we down here and our boss Leeroy is up there? 
 

Jim: Hmmm good question Bob, goood question. why don’t you go up to his office and ask him. 
 

Bob went up to Leeroys office, and said

Hey boss! why are we working away down below and you get to sit up here? 

Leeroy got up from his seat and stood next to a hard brick wall. He moved his hand in front. 
 

Leeroy: You want to know why now? Hit my hand. 
 

Bob: um.. ok…

Bob swung and Leeroy moved his hand just before Bob could hit his hand. 
 

Bob: Ow!! Jee that smarts 

Leeroy then said, now you know, and sat back down. 

Bob went back down to see Jim, and Jim asked him what happened to his hand. 
 

Bob then moved his hand so it covered his face and said see my hand? I want you to try and punch it….


 

 

 

 

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

“I don’t serve half-beers” the barman tells them

“Excuse me?” Asks the second mathematician

“What kind of bar serves half-beers?” The barman remarks. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh c'mon” says the first mathematician “play along, it took ages for us all to queue up”

“There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to.”

“But that’s not a problem” the third mathematician retorts, “at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-”

“I know how limits work” interjects the barman

“Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a barman would be familiar with such advanced mathematics”

“Are you kidding me?” The barman replies, “you learn limits in school, they aren't that hard. What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?”

“HE’Zzz ON TO USZzzz”   the first mathematician buzzes

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. “FOOLS” it booms in unison, “I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PLANET WITH MALARIA”

The barman stands fearless against the hoard. “But wait” he inturrupts, thinking fast, “if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!”

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. “My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!” and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the barman. “How did you know that that would work?”

“It’s simple really” he says. “I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative.”

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A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog.

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue of its likeness.

The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?"

He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone."

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A guy is moving to australia

he gets to immigration control and his details are checked. An immigration officer takes him into a room and begins to ask a series of questions about his move.

The officer asks him if he has a criminal record

'oh' he replies, 'I didn't know you still needed one'

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