Jokes thread

[roboticanary]

anyone got any jokes to share.

I'll start with something terrible:

guy walks down the street and sees a musician playing the trumpet. no-one near him, not making any money and not playing any tune he recognises.

so he goes up to the musician and says to him 'why on earth are you blowing that trumpet'.

the musician replies 'well sir, it doesn't work if I suck it'

[Nix]

A guy is selling a vintage chair online. Another guy responds: 

‘$250,- is way too much for this chair’. 
’What are you talking about? This chair is vintage man’. 
‘Nice try, I’ll give you $5,- for it and you should be lucky I even want it. Just give me the address and I’ll come pick it up’

The advertiser drops an address with no comment. Some time passes.

’Hey man, I drove to the address but it is some sort of comedy club?’. 
‘Yeah, you should try your jokes on stage, see if anyone there likes them.’

Edited April 26, 2022 by Nix

[Sili]

I'm working on a proposal to ensure lines are always the same length by allowing the letter n to change width as needed. Some may call it extreme, but I believe the N's justify the means.

[AromanticAardvark]

What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno business!

[Ikarus]

There where these two workers Bob and Jim, on their break Bob asked Jim a question.
 

Bob: Say, why are we down here and our boss Leeroy is up there? 
 

Jim: Hmmm good question Bob, goood question. why don’t you go up to his office and ask him. 
 

Bob went up to Leeroys office, and said

Hey boss! why are we working away down below and you get to sit up here? 

Leeroy got up from his seat and stood next to a hard brick wall. He moved his hand in front. 
 

Leeroy: You want to know why now? Hit my hand. 
 

Bob: um.. ok…

Bob swung and Leeroy moved his hand just before Bob could hit his hand. 
 

Bob: Ow!! Jee that smarts 

Leeroy then said, now you know, and sat back down. 

Bob went back down to see Jim, and Jim asked him what happened to his hand. 
 

Bob then moved his hand so it covered his face and said see my hand? I want you to try and punch it….

 

 

 

 

[roboticanary]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

“I don’t serve half-beers” the barman tells them

“Excuse me?” Asks the second mathematician

“What kind of bar serves half-beers?” The barman remarks. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh c'mon” says the first mathematician “play along, it took ages for us all to queue up”

“There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn’t serve you half a beer even if I wanted to.”

“But that’s not a problem” the third mathematician retorts, “at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-”

“I know how limits work” interjects the barman

“Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a barman would be familiar with such advanced mathematics”

“Are you kidding me?” The barman replies, “you learn limits in school, they aren't that hard. What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?”

“HE’Zzz ON TO USZzzz”   the first mathematician buzzes

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. “FOOLS” it booms in unison, “I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PLANET WITH MALARIA”

The barman stands fearless against the hoard. “But wait” he inturrupts, thinking fast, “if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!”

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. “My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!” and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the barman. “How did you know that that would work?”

“It’s simple really” he says. “I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative.”

[roboticanary]

if you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN

....

 

they get really annoyed

[AromanticAardvark]

What do you call a goth flightless bird?

#Emu

[Alaska Native Manitou]

Columbus knew he wasn't in India, but to fool his investers he called us "Indians" anyway. At least he wasn't trying to discover Turkey.

[DeltaAro]

New definition of aromanticism: "When your girlfriend regrettably is not imaginary."

[Alaska Native Manitou]

The Mayflower full of Pilgrims landed at Provincetown (not Plymouth Rock) in 1620. The local tribe saw it & I bet somebody said "There goes the neighborhood."

[roboticanary]

My grandfather was shot with a Canon.

...

 

The picture came out really well.

[Alaska Native Manitou]

In 1866 Captain William J. Fetterman bragged "Give me 80 men and 80 horses and I will ride through the whole Sioux nation!" He was half right. He got halfway through. ☠️

[roboticanary]

A rich Yorkshire man is mourning the loss of his dog.

He decides to memorialize it by getting a cast made of it. He goes to a jewelers and asks for a gold statue of its likeness.

The jeweler asks, "Do you want it 18 karat?"

He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone."

[Alaska Native Manitou]

I hear that Custer has reincarnated. He goes by the name "Leeroy Jenkins" now.  

 

[that halo nerd]

why can't jedi sent photos... because attachments are forbbiden

[roboticanary]

A guy is moving to australia

he gets to immigration control and his details are checked. An immigration officer takes him into a room and begins to ask a series of questions about his move.

The officer asks him if he has a criminal record

'oh' he replies, 'I didn't know you still needed one'

[Alaska Native Manitou]

[Alaska Native Manitou]

[roboticanary]

A polar bear walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman says "that'll be 6 pounds 99 please"

The bear sits down on a bar stool and starts drinking.

After a while the barman says  "You know, we don't get many polar bears drinking here"

The bear turns to the barman and replies "with those prices I'm not surprised".

[DeltaAro]

On 10/6/2022 at 10:41 PM, 2 Spirit Cherokee Princess said:

When I see those, I just think "VLC player"... 🤪

[Alaska Native Manitou]

[Storm_leopardcat]

(would love to revive this, but I don't have a joke on my mind right now).

[Alaska Native Manitou]

[Harvest-Unity]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg3t6G7cS5g

Edited December 10, 2022 by Harvest