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Aroace Confusion : Amatonormativity and Maturity

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I’m currently a high school student. All throughout middle I genuinely couldn’t wrap my head around students being romantically and/or sexually involved. I thought we were ‘too young’. At that time, I thought I’d be “ready” by high school, and that things would be clicking. They never did. I still look around at students and think about how small we all are. Maybe this can be partially attributed to the fact that romantic and sexual pursuits are associated with coming-of-age and maturity- and that while I always heard students talk about those sorts of shenanigans, I was terrible at picking up on actual romantic and sexual relations (typically) unless directly stated. It came off as bluffing to me.

That in mind, I think when I see all these high schoolers, I just imagine tiny people trying too hard to be adults. I hear them talking about romance or sex and that’s one thing, but the actual involvement doesn’t cross my mind all too often. It’s like my mind has no problem with it in theory, but actually putting name to those actions? Seeing those events unfold in reality? It doesn’t click. It feels immature, but maybe that’s because most of the romantic relationships I bear witness to are with short-lived, straight-passing couples who are waist-deep into cisheteronormativity. The rules of amatonormativity are hardly logical either.  

But it just doesn’t add up for me. Maybe it’s because I can easily see myself being one of those people. I was one of those people for awhile. I knew how to pick a “decent” crush, knew how to sit through all those stupid sessions of “Kiss, Marry Kill”, fawn, all that fun middle school jazz that (regretfully) didn’t seem to die out in high school. Maybe it’s so confusing to me because I went through all the hypothetical notions; I could talk the talk but couldn’t walk the walk, so seeing other people carrying that stuff out is.. boggling ?

I dunno. Anyone else have any thoughts on this? 


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Oh yes, I’ve definitely felt this. When I was around 16, my friends were all dating and ‘fooling around’. When pressured, I would indeed ‘choose’ a crush, preferably someone who was already taken (that felt safe because nothing would come of it) And I just figured I was a late bloomer, surely when I would go to study at the art academy I would find ‘the one’?

I found a lot of friends at the art academy, but once again I felt like I had to choose someone to have a crush on and it was just so tiring? People around me were dating and breaking up like it was so simple but I just didn’t get it. Was i so immature?

And when I graduated and started working I still thought I was going to bump into someone special. So this whole ‘you will find someone when you’re older’ thing really stuck with me for a long, long time.

Because how was I supposed to know that falling in love and having sex are things you can also not want?

I am really glad there are places like this forum, so others don’t have to think they are a late bloomer for such a long time.

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12 hours ago, Nix said:

So this whole ‘you will find someone when you’re older’ thing really stuck with me for a long, long time.

I kept thinking that I would settle down when I was older. Start valuing this ideal of romance and the long term relationship.

Took a long time to listen to that little voice in my head saying 'mate, you ARE older'

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